You're not alone

Friday, December 25, 2009

Happy Christmas

He he I wore this to a highschool dance about4 years ago! I took this at my family xmas party two days ago

Nothing more or less to say than: I love you all and thank you for your support. Enjoy your holiday!!

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Twas the night before

This picture I was a little surprised to see my collarbone. I'm starting to feel more and more bones these days.
A much cuter person :) Agyness. Love her

Happy Holidays everyone!
drama happened yesterday morning....

I went to work for about two hours
I was completely exhausted, the drive to work was scary for me
I had to go pick up last minute pictures for my family's gifts
then drive an hour to meet with my mom

Well I didn't do that exactly. I stopped at J's place to visit. I decided I'd take an hour nap, I could still make it up to my bro's in time. My alarm went off, my phone rang. I nudged J to turn off the alarm and I turned off my phone.

Sweet and glorious sleep. I needed it. I sleep well when I'm near J. Its just because I got so used to it.

Four hours later I decided to turn on my phone as J got ready to go to work. 5 voice mails, 5 messages. I checked my text messages first. Then my sister called and told me my Mom was FREAKING out. She called EVERYONE to see if they knew where I was, she even called P and asked him to see if I was at my apartment. P was worried. All for naught because that is how my mom is.

I went up to my parents and had a pretty good time. I didn't really eat dinner, fixed up a bowl of rice and veggies, ate a couple veggies, and a couple bites of rice. Threw the rest out. We did a talent show and I played a song I wrote for P 3 years ago. They voted me as the winner ha ha. I think my little bro was equally if not better. So i'm going to share my iTunes giftcard with him.

I did a lot of people's hair, but I didn't mind it because it was a nice distraction from all the screaming children. Sometimes my anxiety hits at the wrong time :) I am on my period, feel so grosssss but in control. I drove home and am now at P's house. waiting for him to get home with his dad.

I am on el Period. Bleh. I love it this time though because I can hardly eat anything :). My parents gave me my 'stocking stuffers'. I love new socks! They also gave me edible stuff. I already threw most of it away and am giving the rest to P's family. I don't need it. I don't want it. I look at myself and still don't see what I want.

A few nights ago P and I were talking, and he said "You're too skinny". The other night, when I cut on my rib, I texted him:
"I'm too skinny?"

He said he was joking, but I wasn't laughing. I don't know what 'skinny' means. I will never be happy enough, but I am not complaining either! I am so happy I'm finally back down. I look at pictures taken of me recently and am a little shocked at the difference! My goal is to be 110-113 by new years. It will be done :)

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

its hard to stop

with the break of skin comes the release of pain
and the new ones are hidden
my shoulder
my rib cage

I hate periods!!
All day yesterday I thought I gained like 5 pounds
So I was really stressed but I HAD to get on the scale

Only up 1.2 pounds.
I can handle that :) he he

Happy Holidays!! I am going to have internet on my laptop this evening. I look forwarded to FINALLY catching up on your blogs

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

cross my heart and hope to

My life has been too busy for my liking
Last week I had two swim meets, work, boy, shopping, party
I am looking forward to the year 2010

It has been such a long and tiring year.

I'm ready for it to be over.

Things with P and I are slowly developing, and I adore it. I adore him. I keep having flash of random memories. Remembering when I was 17 and him and I shared our first kiss.

Or when we first exchanged "i love you"

A couple nights ago he kissed me, with a lot more..whats the word..passion i suppose. I was afraid he would recoil and not touch me for a long time(he wasn't allowed to do anything more than shake a girls hand while away). Last night I was proved wrong. I think we both want to marry each other. Its foreign for me to seriously be saying, " I could be getting married soon". I know some of those who blog(reese) are married. Is it scary? I've known P for 4 years now and before we left we used to talk about being married. But now its so surreal.

And unfortunately on top of all that I still have feelings for J. I know I just talked about being married to P, obviously I'm not ready for that anytime soon. I love and hate romance. I don't believe in "The One". Which I think plays a part of my shitty feelings running all over the place. Wanting P, missing J. Missing P, wanting J back. F. M. L.

Alrighty I'll try and read a few of your blogs now!!! I'll post again soon. Avoid the sweets!!

Friday, December 18, 2009

Dance with Me

Sorry this was a little late. I've put up a new thinspo poll


Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Wishing Today was Tomorrow :)

How can you not love agy? freak. I love love love love love her

Firstly: Comments for some blogs that I can't post on:

Ana's girl: I started to smoke when I got down to a low weight. In my mind it was to kill my appetite. It worked for a little bit. But also made it hard for me to exercise. My energy levels also decreased quite a bit. If you have an addictive personality..just be careful k? Smoking really is bad for you, and my guess is you are trying to use it for weightloss? It doesn't cure your self control, you have to find it yourself. I just want you to be healthy :) I'm proud to say I've quit for good! I feel so much better.

Lyndee. I love you girl. I don't know if you'll still read my blog. Stay strong with what your current goals are. Don't forget I'm here for ya!

Thinspo For tomorrow will be....Dance!! I've already started lookin up pics. I hope all likey
I'm not sleeping very well and I'm definitely not cute. I didn't go to bed last night because I was texting some pretty racy things with J while he was at work. I knew that the following was going to happen when I picked him up and drove him to his house:
J and I kind of made out this morning. big time. it was kind of a final goodbye, ending that physical relationship. You know how break ups feel, and those emotions you carry. I thought I would feel guilty a little, but I don't. P isn't my boyfriend. I am no one's girl. And from this point forward J and I will be friends only.
BUT speaking of P :). We are going on our first official date since he's been back :)
He is so sweet.
Today I sent him a text about how I was having a minor anxiety attack(more like caffeine overload mixed with adderol because I really haven't gone to bed. i took an hour nap with J this morning)
He called me up shortly after.
"Ms. Mindy, how can I spoil you?"
I told him about a dream I had a few nights ago.
We had our 3rd first kiss(1st kiss, broke up for 2 months, 2nd first kiss, left for two i'm just hoping for a third first kiss....hehe)
It felt so real, and breath taking
I am really realizing how much I do care and love him.
I know you all might think i'm a whore. J was a wonderful boyfriend, and I still have feelings for him(obviously, holy moly was that a heated make out session). But in the long run I know that we don't want the same things. So there is no point in getting deeply attached, living part of our lives together and discovering what we knew wouldn't work all along.
So yup i'll post dance thinspo tomorrow. I'll let you know how our date goes thursday. Thanks for your support and comments. Stay strong. Never give up on yourself, and never forget you are worth more than the stars, you just have to try and convince yourself of that!!!

also: I'll be taking those pics down soon. probably not the legs one. but yup yup

Monday, December 14, 2009


i've had a very emotional weekend. I cried all day saturday, missing P, not feeling important to him. We Finally got to talk yesterday, and I told him about what happened while he was gone, explained some things that was making it hard for him to want to try and be 'us' again.

After a long talk he said that he now feels more hopeful, and thats a good start for me. We are going to go on a date this week. I just want to be his again, but it will take time.

Yesterday i weighed in at 116. I have eaten some food. Too much in my mind, but i need to keep tricking my body. I am feeling sick in bed right now though.

I'll read your blogs when i have a computer. I'm on my phone. Thanks for all your support!

Thursday, December 10, 2009

yay nay

this is a headshot I took yesterday for my agency so they could have a current look
My nephew took the photo as I was getting P his favorite spicy chicken

I will be fixing up his bushman brows, i don't like this pic of me

below: My legs!!! I'm slowly getting there.

I'm floating above and beyond what I ever knew i was capable of, and it scares me.

Yesterday was crazy!! I waited all day to get ready to drive up to the airport to pick up my best friend. I don't know if any of you know about/ are mormon. But P has been serving a mission in africa for two years. Anyway i'm trying to calm my nerves 4 hours until his arrival. I receive a call on my phone. It was P's dad, or so i thought. It took me 30 seconds to realize I was takling to P! Nerves, butterflies, naseua. The works. His flight was delayed a couple hours. You are probably confused as to who P is...let me go find his story..crap I can't find that post. Long story short. We dated a year and a half before he left, he is my bestfriend, i stopped going to church for a long time, so we're going to have to talk about lots of things.

In my religion when boys serve missions they have many many rules. One is no hugging opposite sex(non family). Yes I know this will be so foreign for most of you, but I've known this even before he left. So last night when he came out of the terminal everyone was all hugs, when he approached me I received a hand shake. Because his flight was delayed he couldn't be released. i didn't sleep really. but i just got off the phone with him and I'll be going over around 7..thats 7 hours. UGH I really missed him.
I had a doctors appointment this morning. I've been wanting to get on adderol forever..and it finally happened!!! It really does help me focus and I've been taking it the past two weeks from a friend. I love it. I may have gone overboard a couple times, resulting with absolutely no sleep. Now that I know I can be more responsible. My favorite part is the appetite suppresant. I haven't eaten since that burrito on tuesdsay. I had a coffee yesterday morning, and am about to go get a coffee with J. I know I should eat. I don't want to lose too fast. Especially since I've lost 4 pounds in 3-4 days. I weighed myself this morning. 117.2
Don't get me wrong I'm totally estatic! But since i've gotten back down to this smaller size again people have been throwing comment around again. I just have to be careful. When will I eat? Thats yet to be determined.
Its almost the weekend!! Stay strong!! I'm going try and post on if my computer will let me.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Lots to say, only a little time

First: About the poll I made. I made that when I wasn't in a good mood. I felt useless, lonely, and nobody cared about me waa wa wa. So I aplogize, just deleted it. I know I do help some of you that read, and I will continue to do so. I guess if you want me to delete this blog(because one person really did vote on it) then stop reading my blog eh? Doesn't matter. Other than trying to help others, mainly why do we all blog? For ourselves. I know that this has been a lot of help to me, and I love the support from everyone. I do my best to support you back. My work computer doesn't always allow me to post on some people's blog. Know that I do read yours and post when I can!

And also THANK YOU for your thinspo input. I think I'll make a poll and gather thinspo for a week depending on which category is highest. And then at the end of it I'll post.

Yesterday I got a call from my agent.
I signed with an agency maybe 6-9 months ago.
I never got a job, and eventually stopped hearing from him.
Yesterday he left me a message saying I had a job opp.
So I called him back.
I'm 99% sure that I'll be an extra for an Olympic Commercial(winter 2010)
oh and I'll be making 250 a day
minus 15-20% commission
i will cry if this falls thru
It would be an answer to my prayers to receive a good chunk of money
especially since I don't know if I'll be able to get anyone anything for xmas

Guess how happy I am today
really happy
I've been quite the insomniac the past two weeks
I felt pretty guilty for eating that burrito yesterday
but it did some good
I slept for 6 hours, waking up once briefly
Ladies and Gents(if any. I'd love to find some male bloggers. anyone know of any?)
This is a record for the past two weeks. I either don't sleep
sleep but wake up so often i'd almost rather have just stayed awake

Another reason I'm happy is because of this
One of my texting ana buddies(non blogger) told me her goal weight
i was bored and went to
i calculated how much she could eat
and still lose by the date she wanted
then. I did me! Sheesh.
Start date: 12.9.2009
Start weight: 119
End date: 1.31.2009
Goal weight: 110
Calories I can eat: 852
its nice to see reasonable things like that, and realize...i can reach my goals
I'll be going to the gym more, this week has just been way to busy.
plus no sleep
And now for the other happy thing
My best friend is coming home tonight
I'm driving up to the airport to welcome him home
So I must go
Clean my apartment(he might be over tonight)
make myself beautiful
remember to breath
and avoid food :)
Weaselbee- that will be my next blog
How a two pound gain turned into 17...stay tuned
OH! almost forgot. I'm going to the doctor tomorrow morning.
I got off my anti dep. med. Totally making me crazy
I want to get on adderol. I know it would help
I'll explain why if I get them
if not.
eek I gotta go!!!!

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Themed thinspo

I first want to ask my followers what kind of thinspo they'd like to see. My goal is to post lots of thinspo more often. In the past i've done gothic, halloween, legs, hip bones, shoulders..yadda yadda. So please! Tell me what YOU want to see.

I wasn't planning on posting tonight but i couldn't wait! I'll post in the morning again about some things on my mind. But for now:

Intake: Water
Candy cane 80(low blood sugar)
Soy mocha 180 at most (horribly mixed so all the sweet stuff was at the bottom BUT i didn't finish it)
3/4 of a bean(no cheese) burrito ?????
Hershey kiss: 35
Total: 295 + ????
Since i've been doing mostly liquids the past few days that burrito felt like a binge, but j helped me eat it. I'm sure i ate less thab 3/4. I just hate not knowing how much calories, including that partial mocha. Oh well. I decided i have to allow myself higher cal days, and sweets now and then(i argued with myself the whole way home wether or not i should buy more sweets, the skinny me stayed strong)

WEIGHT: 119.4 LBS , 54.15 KG, 8 st 7

I couldn't believe it. I'm most likely fasting again tomorrow, but i'll post more tomorrow. Love you all!!!

monday: stomach eating itself

Diet mt. Dew 0 cal
soup at 10 and 1 during work with black coffee in between: 220 Cal.
White chocolate raspberry Soy mocha with an extra shot. I'm guessing around 200. The coffee shop i went to uses low cal soy

Total 420, maybe more?

I had a busy day and way too much caffeine. But staying strong, thinking off you all. Thank you to those who take the time to leave a comment, weaselbee, Sar, sarah, flushed, thinner, fallen angel, jo(pro ana) you rock! And if i forgot to mention you, tell me!


Saturday, December 5, 2009


sometimes when i say how long i want to fast i epically fail. So instead i'll just go with the flow and update my (hopeful) progress. I'll try to put up some before and after pics

1:00 am sw; 122.2(55 ish kg, 8 st 12 :()

Friday, December 4, 2009

Friday's blog

To my followers/people I follow comments:
weaselbee- stay strong hun. I'm sorry about all the drama you're having to deal with. I love your blog!
Ana's Girl: Try to start exercising. You will see results! Just stay patient. It doesn't always show on the scale, but sometimes your body begins to shrink. I take pictures of my body frequently. Also try on smaller close to see how you're progressing
i'm sorry I can't be perfect: again, so glad you're back! Stay strong and keep up your motivation
My computer also is being stupid and I can only comment on some people's blogs
A lot has happened and I only have 13 minutes to post.
Wednesday Night: J and I broke up. But we both decided we wanted to try and be friends.
I cried, hard.
He has been such a strength in my life.
I slept over 10 hours
I went with my Mom to figure out the bills for the apartment my Dad and I are renting
She got me an early christmas present. A new phone which I love and really needed
She also bought me some seeds to start sprouting!
I spent sometime with J and honestly it wasn't too bad.
I redid my roots( I still need to tone the color)
Then I went back to J's and we watched our fav t.v. show
It was hard not to lean on his arm. cuddle up close
But I'd rather be with him than without
We are both in a good enough place in life that we were mature enough to realize
we need eachother still
even as friends
I woke up bright and early.
Burned 500 cals at the gym.
I'm about to leave work.
I'm a little lonely, but I'm still doing well.
I forced myself not to get on the scale.
If I do it too much I'll probably self sabatoge.
Intake today: Rice/Hemp protein shake w/ almond milk. 200 cals(but I burned it right off because I drank it before and at the beginning of my workout)
Stay strong! don't give up. Keep smiling!

Thursday, December 3, 2009

almost the weekend :)

This is me trying to post from my new phone. I was trying to comment on blogs but it might not allow it.

Intake: luna bar 180, homemade almond mocha 100, chips(4) and salsa 80, lemonade? It was sugar free homemade, toast with jam, 120.

Total: 480

I'm happy with it, considering my weight this morning was 120.8! My home scale is two pounds off i think.

I must sleep. Early morning gym! I'll catch up on your blogs when i get to work


Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Out of curiosity

I love this photo. Not sure if I've used it before but yum! lovely tummy

Monday ended up being the longest day of my life.
I didn't really sleep sunday night and I was emotional all day
I got home from coaching to find out my power had been shut off
I just laughed about it because my Dad and I are idiots
I went to my sisters because I would've froze in my apt
My nephew broke my charger
J got drunk and was pissed at me
I was crying all night
I got more sleep at least
went to the gym
got the electricity figured out
talked with J(we actually resolved the issue monday night)
went to my old place to retrieve the rest of my stuff(i still have a few more things to move..sigh.. its endless)
And out of curiosity I stepped on my home scale
for the first time in a while(note that I weighed myself monday morning at the gym and i never knew how accurate my scale was)
I was down .4!
And this was with me wearing a heavy jacket and shoes!
So I'll weigh myself next week sometime but at the gym
I'm feeling mostly better today, minus some hunger pains. P comes home in 7 days!! Gah. I can hardly believe it. My mom is going to get me a new phone tomorrow which will be nice since my charger broke and I can get an upgrade so it'd just be better to get a new phone than get a charger for 20-30 bucks and then a new phone next month.

I have a hard time thought with my Mom buying the phone. I told her that I was sorry I couldn't afford my life. I was really trying to pay for everything that I can. But alas I'm always scraping by. I've made a budget online, this is the first month, so we'll see if it helps.

I don't know if I'll go to the gym today. I finally got sleep last night but I'm really sore and tired. I'll just continue my restricting. 110 by the end of the year seems possible now


Monday, November 30, 2009

I've been busy

If anyone reads anymore. I've been trying to post on your blogs but I hardly ever have internet and my work computer sucks. I'm thinking of all you ladies.

I weighed myself and really felt happy with the results! I have to keep pushing it though. I won't give up. I can fit into my skinnies but I still see all the fat that needs to go bye bye. I feel more productive with myself lately and it makes a huge difference with my overall outlook. I decided to try and get more religious again. I have a new attitude and I really think I'll be able to stick with it. I love God and I love the beliefs I hold, and its nice to be surrounded by people who share the same beliefs. J and I are alright. I told him I wanted more space, not sleeping over anymore, but in the long run its for the best. My best friend will be coming home in 9 days and I still love him. I cried today after we chatted on email. I think its because today was my last chance to talk to him before I get to see him face to face. I haven't seen him in two years. Freak. I'm anxious, restless, but happy. I'm just trying to take everything one day at a time.

thin forver!!! So glad you're back. I'll post more tomorrow and try to comment on your blogs.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Thanks Giving was Happy for me!!

I got wasted last night. I think because I've lost weight I've turned into the biggest pot head. This morning I decided I wouldn't eat thanks giving dinner. Last year I binge and purged the whole day. I didn't want a repeat. Thanks to some lovely advice from Lyndee I was asked no questions and I'm still fasting. I am proud of myself for keeping in control, avoiding the pie and everything else that I can't eat (meat ha ha, potatoes I didn't want). I put on my old skinny jeans! They are a little tight but I definitely am getting there. Sorry this post is short. Have a happy day. Thanks for the support

Monday, November 23, 2009

Dramatic day

It goes as follows:

10:00 arrived at work. Nothing to do so I just checked my email, found out my best friend will be coming home from africa in two weeks and two days! I emailed my Mom about how depressed I have been feeling.

10:30 ignored a call from my old salon manager.

11:00 called back my old boss. Yesterday(sunday) I went into the salon to retrieve my blow dryer and straightener to do my sisters hair. Well when my I got on the phone with her she freaked out. "that was breaking and entering, that was trespassing, some of my stuff is missing, now i have to pay for new locks and i want you to pay for them". My boss has a very strong personality, very strong. I agreed to pay for the locks and then I bawled to J about how I didn't have money to pay for them, how I was afraid she might sue me. I talked to my Mom who said there was no way she would win a case if she did sue me and I shouldn't have to pay for the locks.

12:00 I wrote her a letter. Apologizing for upsetting her, explaining that my emotional issues were part of the reason for my less than professional choices, blah blah blah. I calmed down.

1:30 She called me back to tell me the amount it would cost to change the locks. I told her I couldn't afford to pay for it all and she said the only other option was to go through the police. One reason was because the building owners were wanting her to change the locks. But I told her if that was going to be the case I'd rather just go through the police.

2:30 I get to my own salon and there is a police officer there as well. He questions me "Did you take anything that didn't belong to you? Why did you come when anyone else wasn't here" My answer "I have no ill feelings and no reason to steal, I came at that time of day becuase my sister wanted me to do her hair last minute and I was in the area" I filed a police report, I gave her my nice letter. She seemed a little more chilled

I missed a swim meet because of the whole police and salon drama, i let him search my car and blah blah blah fuck fuck fuck shit shit shit.

My Dad called me while I was at the salon "No one messes with my little girl" So i feel confident if they do press charges that my Dad and his lawyer will kick ass.

5:00 got drunk until now. Holy shit this has been a dramatic day. Dramatic. Its bullshit. I didn't steal anything from her, and I can't believe she attacked me like that. It just makes me hate myself when I shouldn't.

So hopefully I don't have to have more drama with the court.

My raw food diet didn't start today, but my intake was low so tomorrow is a new day. I'm still drunk. I love you ladies and gents(if any?) stay strong!

Sunday, November 22, 2009


Yes I fake tan.

So its time to crack down on myself, push myself harder. I want to do this by eating raw foods only. I've been feeling in control lately, but I definitely could do better. Tomorrow I want to eat less than 200 cals.

Coffee with a bit of soy -20
banana 90

I shouldn't need anything more than that. I will also be pretty busy. I'll drink the coffee in the morning. An apple at work. Then go to the gym and have a banana. Now that my ankle is starting to feel better I can start running again. Running tones my legs pretty quickly, and I want them to be toned because: I WANT TO FIT INTO MY OLD SKINNY JEANS!! J bought me a new pair of skinnies yesterday. They are a size 25(so about a 2) My other skinnies are a size 24. I can fit into them, but its definitely tight and unflatering. I want to fit into them in two weeks. That is my goal. So raw foods it is. No more soda. No more junk(and by junk i mostly mean the food I've been eating lately, salad with beans and rice and stuff.

I can do this. I will do it because I've done it before. Its time to bring up my old phrases and excuses :

I'm not hungry
i already ate
No thanks

Ha ha. Stay strong everyone

Friday, November 20, 2009

That time of the month

Finally started el uterus bleeding. 4 weeks and 5 days.

I've been doing really well. Sorry I haven't been blogging. Its just that I have nothing to talk about. This whole week I've been mostly non productive. Ha ha. I do have one funny story:

[textfromMe] I'm just going to be straight with you.
My period is three days late
I think I'm pregnant
You're probably the father.
[jsays] why would you say that?
I didn't respond because I was about to see him face to face. It was a totaly joke, that is why I said "probably the father". Even if we were having sexual intercourse and there WAS a possibilty of me being pregnant..of COURSE he would be the father.
Welll I get to his new place and he looks at me and says(quite angrily) " Why did you say that?" I was like "fuck babe I was just kidding" We both let ourselves calm down and then I said "If there really was a chance I was pregant I wouldn't joke about it.
He is just funny.
My weight is back down, but my body is bloated, but boobs are sore. Fucking periods. Yes I'm going to bitch and moan about them because they suck.
My plan lately has been fast every other day. Never eating over 800. Its been working out pretty well. I've missed you all. I hope I still have some people who care to listen to my ramblings. REmember STAY STRONG!

Sunday, November 15, 2009


Battle of the bands.. Well it was really battle of the popularity. Unfortunately this really shitty band that had no talent(playing power chords over and over isn't very musical). I'm over it, we'll just have to rock it bigger! The Iso Principle is our blog. The songs with my cello haven't been produced yet, but I'll keep you posted.

I got in a major fight with J friday night though. I thought he was going to dump me. I was so scared. I am underage but I got a huge bottle of Vodka from my brother.
My plan was to get pissed drunk. The i decided to grow some balls and talk to J.
Long story short..we talked things over. We're better, but he said I needed to change.
Totally justified.


I gained 4 pounds over the week. I dropped one pound of so far, and I am keeping working hard. I'll be under 120 in two weeks.

Starting with a fast tomorrow.

STay STrong!!!

Friday, November 13, 2009

You are all so sweet

Thanks to those who comment on my last post. You were all so true! Flushed.. I love you! Wonderful words. I guess I'm not being hpocritical if I'm just trying to get him to be healthy, because I do love and care for him. And Sar I'm actually from Utah...but somewhat close to CA. I'm jealoust that you live in NY. Lets party.

For some reason I really love this picture. So creepy/beautiful. Maybe creepy isn't the right word. Mysterious Yes I like it.

So I've been feeling a lot better about life. I've been given new responsibilites at work and I actually feel like an important person as far as the work place goes. I'm valuable in that aspect eh? Feels nice. Especially since jobs can be somewhat foreboding, dulling, brain numbing, mind killing, life sucking and what not. He he. Okay i'm done. But yeah I'm enjoying work.

Coaching has been a blast this year! We have a meet today actually, I have to leave pretty soon. I'm so proud of my swimmers. They are all(most of them anywya) working their butts off! I'm excited to see how they'll do.

Lastly: My band is playing at a battle of the bands tonight!!!! I hope we win. If we win tonight we get to compete in the finals tomorrow. I'm excited!! Fingers crossed.

Stay strong everyone!!! Weekends can sometimes be hard, but keep motivated and focused!!

Thursday, November 12, 2009

So far so good


I ran a mile!! In heavy shoes, and i have shinsplints..but my ankle didn't swell!
I worked out with the team doing a lot of leg and abs
I got in a fight with J monday night. I freaked out, i think because i haven't been taking my medication. It was painful to be near him, painful to be away. We work together so that was fun. We're good now. I'm so stupid but he puts up with my shit. I also re touched my roots, and toned my hair. My hair is now a lavendar blonde. Its different, its weird..but so am I. I like it.
I made it to the gym :) I did about 45 minutes of cardio and 15 minutes of weights. I also went tanning. Shh. its a little secret, it makes you look thinner. Last night J came over to my new apartment. I made him some food and we played nintendo. While we were trying to fall asleep we started talking about food. He told me how much he'd eaten yesterday:
2 cups of coffee
a cup of noodles
5 taquitos
He then asked me "Do I have an ED?" I said the difference between him and a person with the disorder is that they conciouslly starve themselves. But you however just drink coffee and eat now and then. I told him he should spend money on food, not coffee. I told him how he needs to try and get way more than 1000 calories a day. at least double.
Can I really be talking to him like that?
I think I can. Because he is so underweight. His chest bone pokes me when we cuddle. He has no but, just bone. I love him and I want him to have energy, he is always tired.
Am I hypocritical? Bleh.
Stay strong everyone! THanks for your support.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Its a new week!

Today has been good. I've been lounging around with J. Smoking some great green. I thought I'd write a few of my goals

Quit Smoking [x](j and i decided we're done today)
Quit Smoking Pot[]
Cut back on coffee []
Go to the gym 6 days a week[]
Get under 120 before thanks giving []
Be more strict on my veganism []
Get to under 800 cals a day[]
Start running after my ankle can handle it again[]

Its good to write goals down on paper or put it out in the open. I'm doing alright with eating. I always tend to eat more when I smoke pot. But I've done well the past few days. All healthy low cal stuff. But i can't get comfortable. I've got to start restricting a little bit more. I know I can do it, and I will.

My best friend/ex boyfriend gets home in a month. Holy shit this is going to be drama. Girls I might really need a few shoulders to cry on. Stay strong! Don't give in to weakness.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Support Eachother

I started my blog to get my thoughts and feelings about my eating disorder out in the open. To help people feel support. To help people understand what an ED is. To gain support. To feel like I wasn't alone.

I want everyone that reads my blog to know I'm here for you. Everyone on here is beautiful and we all deserve more than what we know.

I had a fun weekend and was so excited to come home to my J. When he saw me he picked me off my feet and spun me around. He is my angel. I love him.

I am looking forward to this week
Gym everyday, no exceptions
at least one 24 hour fast
Stay strong everyone

Friday, November 6, 2009

Internet in my hotel room!

This is me, and its for my 115 followers!!! I love you all
I get to sneak in a blog tonight before I do room checks to make sure my swimmers are in their beds.

So plan for now is just to keep restricting more and more everyday. It may take longer for me to get down to 118 but because i've been slowly restricting I've been steadily losing or maintaining. I don't tend to binge.

But I do need to step it up at the gym. My ankle still swells which drives me mad. I'd be getting so much more toned even faster.

Stay strong this weekend everyone!! I'll catch up on sunday

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Nuts about berries

I am really sore today. Horridly sore. But it is the sore that hurts so good. The sore that lets you know you're building muscle and toning up.

oh and the sore
that makes your bf feel sorry
so he rubs your shoulders all day
hurts so good

I had a pretty good day today. I feel really in control. I went to the place called zupas to get din din for me and my boy boy. I ordered a berry salad and vegetable soup. While driving to pick up coffee I ate the piece of roll that came with the meal. I was starving. But I'm glad I ate it before meeting up with J because it gave my body time to digest and get over the ravenous/binge mode. When we finally started eating I finished my soup and felt completely satisfied. I saved my salad for lunch tomorrow.

I have a goal for this weekend but i want to know your thoughts and comments/motivation:

Alright so friday morning I embark on a over night swim meet.
we leave at 8:00 friday and get back late saturday.
i'm usually exhausted after this trip(this is my third year)
all i want to do is sleep when i get home.
last year i was restricting and at my lowest weight
last year i fasted the whole trip.
i want to do it again

What do you think? Doable? The bus ride is about 5 hours. Then we drop off stuff at the hotel. The first day of the meet last until dinner time. Then we go out to eat, but I don't eat fast food. Continental breakfast in the morning. I can put a plate together and then not eat it. No lunch during the second day. Coffee. And then dinner stay on the bus and sleep.

i can do this i think.
I have stayed around 125 but i want to get closer to 120 again. I got to get to the gym everyday, no ecxeptions. I've been doing a least 4-5 days a week. Time to bump it up. Thats the thing we all need to do, change up how we do things. Kick things up a notch. Keep pushing yourself, don't become degenerate, boring. Thats when we slip up, thats when we binge. We need to keep ourselves busy. Keep our minds focused. What inspires you? Answer for me is: my followers. You help me so much. I love you all


Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Missing People

I miss some of you girls who aren't posting, nads, steph. come back soon.

I worked out with the team this morning.
I led them in a lot of circuit workouts. Arms, abs, butt. the works
I was busy at the office today, 4 new hires.
I didn't eat all day, fell asleep with J for a while
we finished the last of the pot.
which is good because I really need to sober my mind

Girls and Boys never give up. Never let anyone tell you what to be. Find what makes you happy and hold onto it. When you mess up refocus, revisualize, re vamp. Go for a walk. Do a few crunches. There is always tomorrow. You are in control of your attitude, your mind, your control. Try and stay positive, I know its hard. I hate my life but most the time I can find a small amount of sunshine through people, music, blogging. I look in the mirror and see myself fat, even with my hipbones, collarbones and decreased weight. How strange my mind that loves to play tricks on me. I'm not perfect, but I'm not ugly. How is that? How about I know I'm beautiful? On the inside. I try to be a good person. Wow. I'm done rambling. You are all worth more than you may think. Thanks for your support. I'll post on thursday before I go out of town.


Monday, November 2, 2009

back to earth

So I'm going to begin my story with Saturday evening:
I picked up J and we got to my apt. We were planning on hanging out with David and doing robo, drinking alchy and what not. Well David was having a bad day so we had to figure out a sneaky way to get him to hang out with us. We went to subway and I got a guilty free salad. Once we'd gotten drunkish(i was empty stomached) we all popped a bottle of robo. We went outside to smoke and drink and chat and laugh. Well I was the first one to feel sick. I went into the house and laid on my bed. I was tripping majorly. I was dry heaving couldn't stand up. J and David went outside for a smoke. The door bell rang, children knocked. I went and answered the door completely high. I'm sure my neighbors think i'm crazy ha ha. Anyway i started leveling out the next few hours and i survived the roboville. i will never do that shit again.
Sunday: we woke up and got some coffee. Went to J's house and was so happy just to smoke a joint. A mild non crazy high. I ate some cereal to help with the hang over and and drug recovery. We watched Hanibal. Goodness I loved it. After that we went to target to get some edibles and what nots for J. When we got back I drank this huge screw driver. I got drunk fast. I ate the rest of my salad...then the freak out began.
I was seizing for probably an hour or two. Trying to throw up, my body jerking uncontrollably. J was so helpful in being a complete dick. He didn't know if he should be taking me serious or whatever. I couldn't help it.
I'm fine now but it was crazy. Needless to say I need to be sober for a few days and let my mind come back to earth. I love you all so much. Stay strong and thin!

Friday, October 30, 2009

Halloween Thinspo!!!!

Happy Halloween everyone! I love you so much. Avoid the candy and have a good weekend :)