You're not alone
Friday, December 25, 2009
Nothing more or less to say than: I love you all and thank you for your support. Enjoy your holiday!!
Thursday, December 24, 2009
A much cuter person :) Agyness. Love her
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
It has been such a long and tiring year.
I'm ready for it to be over.
Things with P and I are slowly developing, and I adore it. I adore him. I keep having flash of random memories. Remembering when I was 17 and him and I shared our first kiss.
Or when we first exchanged "i love you"
A couple nights ago he kissed me, with a lot more..whats the word..passion i suppose. I was afraid he would recoil and not touch me for a long time(he wasn't allowed to do anything more than shake a girls hand while away). Last night I was proved wrong. I think we both want to marry each other. Its foreign for me to seriously be saying, " I could be getting married soon". I know some of those who blog(reese) are married. Is it scary? I've known P for 4 years now and before we left we used to talk about being married. But now its so surreal.
And unfortunately on top of all that I still have feelings for J. I know I just talked about being married to P, obviously I'm not ready for that anytime soon. I love and hate romance. I don't believe in "The One". Which I think plays a part of my shitty feelings running all over the place. Wanting P, missing J. Missing P, wanting J back. F. M. L.
Alrighty I'll try and read a few of your blogs now!!! I'll post again soon. Avoid the sweets!!
Friday, December 18, 2009
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Firstly: Comments for some blogs that I can't post on:
Lyndee. I love you girl. I don't know if you'll still read my blog. Stay strong with what your current goals are. Don't forget I'm here for ya!
also: I'll be taking those pics down soon. probably not the legs one. but yup yup
Monday, December 14, 2009
After a long talk he said that he now feels more hopeful, and thats a good start for me. We are going to go on a date this week. I just want to be his again, but it will take time.
Yesterday i weighed in at 116. I have eaten some food. Too much in my mind, but i need to keep tricking my body. I am feeling sick in bed right now though.
I'll read your blogs when i have a computer. I'm on my phone. Thanks for all your support!
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
And also THANK YOU for your thinspo input. I think I'll make a poll and gather thinspo for a week depending on which category is highest. And then at the end of it I'll post.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
I wasn't planning on posting tonight but i couldn't wait! I'll post in the morning again about some things on my mind. But for now:
Candy cane 80(low blood sugar)
Soy mocha 180 at most (horribly mixed so all the sweet stuff was at the bottom BUT i didn't finish it)
3/4 of a bean(no cheese) burrito ?????
Hershey kiss: 35
Total: 295 + ????
Since i've been doing mostly liquids the past few days that burrito felt like a binge, but j helped me eat it. I'm sure i ate less thab 3/4. I just hate not knowing how much calories, including that partial mocha. Oh well. I decided i have to allow myself higher cal days, and sweets now and then(i argued with myself the whole way home wether or not i should buy more sweets, the skinny me stayed strong)
AND NOW THE REASON I COULDN'T WAIT TO POST:
WEIGHT: 119.4 LBS , 54.15 KG, 8 st 7
I couldn't believe it. I'm most likely fasting again tomorrow, but i'll post more tomorrow. Love you all!!!
Diet mt. Dew 0 cal
soup at 10 and 1 during work with black coffee in between: 220 Cal.
White chocolate raspberry Soy mocha with an extra shot. I'm guessing around 200. The coffee shop i went to uses low cal soy
Total 420, maybe more?
I had a busy day and way too much caffeine. But staying strong, thinking off you all. Thank you to those who take the time to leave a comment, weaselbee, Sar, sarah, flushed, thinner, fallen angel, jo(pro ana) you rock! And if i forgot to mention you, tell me!
Saturday, December 5, 2009
1:00 am sw; 122.2(55 ish kg, 8 st 12 :()
Friday, December 4, 2009
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Intake: luna bar 180, homemade almond mocha 100, chips(4) and salsa 80, lemonade? It was sugar free homemade, toast with jam, 120.
I'm happy with it, considering my weight this morning was 120.8! My home scale is two pounds off i think.
I must sleep. Early morning gym! I'll catch up on your blogs when i get to work
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
I have a hard time thought with my Mom buying the phone. I told her that I was sorry I couldn't afford my life. I was really trying to pay for everything that I can. But alas I'm always scraping by. I've made a budget online, this is the first month, so we'll see if it helps.
I don't know if I'll go to the gym today. I finally got sleep last night but I'm really sore and tired. I'll just continue my restricting. 110 by the end of the year seems possible now
Monday, November 30, 2009
I weighed myself and really felt happy with the results! I have to keep pushing it though. I won't give up. I can fit into my skinnies but I still see all the fat that needs to go bye bye. I feel more productive with myself lately and it makes a huge difference with my overall outlook. I decided to try and get more religious again. I have a new attitude and I really think I'll be able to stick with it. I love God and I love the beliefs I hold, and its nice to be surrounded by people who share the same beliefs. J and I are alright. I told him I wanted more space, not sleeping over anymore, but in the long run its for the best. My best friend will be coming home in 9 days and I still love him. I cried today after we chatted on email. I think its because today was my last chance to talk to him before I get to see him face to face. I haven't seen him in two years. Freak. I'm anxious, restless, but happy. I'm just trying to take everything one day at a time.
thin forver!!! So glad you're back. I'll post more tomorrow and try to comment on your blogs.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Monday, November 23, 2009
10:00 arrived at work. Nothing to do so I just checked my email, found out my best friend will be coming home from africa in two weeks and two days! I emailed my Mom about how depressed I have been feeling.
10:30 ignored a call from my old salon manager.
11:00 called back my old boss. Yesterday(sunday) I went into the salon to retrieve my blow dryer and straightener to do my sisters hair. Well when my I got on the phone with her she freaked out. "that was breaking and entering, that was trespassing, some of my stuff is missing, now i have to pay for new locks and i want you to pay for them". My boss has a very strong personality, very strong. I agreed to pay for the locks and then I bawled to J about how I didn't have money to pay for them, how I was afraid she might sue me. I talked to my Mom who said there was no way she would win a case if she did sue me and I shouldn't have to pay for the locks.
12:00 I wrote her a letter. Apologizing for upsetting her, explaining that my emotional issues were part of the reason for my less than professional choices, blah blah blah. I calmed down.
1:30 She called me back to tell me the amount it would cost to change the locks. I told her I couldn't afford to pay for it all and she said the only other option was to go through the police. One reason was because the building owners were wanting her to change the locks. But I told her if that was going to be the case I'd rather just go through the police.
2:30 I get to my own salon and there is a police officer there as well. He questions me "Did you take anything that didn't belong to you? Why did you come when anyone else wasn't here" My answer "I have no ill feelings and no reason to steal, I came at that time of day becuase my sister wanted me to do her hair last minute and I was in the area" I filed a police report, I gave her my nice letter. She seemed a little more chilled
I missed a swim meet because of the whole police and salon drama, i let him search my car and blah blah blah fuck fuck fuck shit shit shit.
My Dad called me while I was at the salon "No one messes with my little girl" So i feel confident if they do press charges that my Dad and his lawyer will kick ass.
5:00 got drunk until now. Holy shit this has been a dramatic day. Dramatic. Its bullshit. I didn't steal anything from her, and I can't believe she attacked me like that. It just makes me hate myself when I shouldn't.
So hopefully I don't have to have more drama with the court.
My raw food diet didn't start today, but my intake was low so tomorrow is a new day. I'm still drunk. I love you ladies and gents(if any?) stay strong!
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Friday, November 20, 2009
I've been doing really well. Sorry I haven't been blogging. Its just that I have nothing to talk about. This whole week I've been mostly non productive. Ha ha. I do have one funny story:
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Friday, November 13, 2009
For some reason I really love this picture. So creepy/beautiful. Maybe creepy isn't the right word. Mysterious Yes I like it.
So I've been feeling a lot better about life. I've been given new responsibilites at work and I actually feel like an important person as far as the work place goes. I'm valuable in that aspect eh? Feels nice. Especially since jobs can be somewhat foreboding, dulling, brain numbing, mind killing, life sucking and what not. He he. Okay i'm done. But yeah I'm enjoying work.
Coaching has been a blast this year! We have a meet today actually, I have to leave pretty soon. I'm so proud of my swimmers. They are all(most of them anywya) working their butts off! I'm excited to see how they'll do.
Lastly: My band is playing at a battle of the bands tonight!!!! I hope we win. If we win tonight we get to compete in the finals tomorrow. I'm excited!! Fingers crossed.
Stay strong everyone!!! Weekends can sometimes be hard, but keep motivated and focused!!