You're not alone

Monday, August 31, 2009

ready set go

What you are, who you choose to be.
Define. Life. Meaning. Less
But we're here.
What are you to make of it?
Make a good day?
Fear a bad day. Change.
You have the power.
The decision, yours.
Yet. Why?
Sinking. Not drowning. Inhale
Frozen and Shaking. In a blanket of warmth?
Beauty. Essence. Time.
the alarm keeps ringing. The snooze button repeatedly pressed.
All it takes is strength.
Open the blinds.
come out of hiding.
The blue above.
Did you notice?
Truth or dare? I dare you to try.
Once is all it takes, then you'll be hooked.
others might follow, so, come on
My attempts at being a Poet. I am going to dinner tonight with my Dad and younger sister. I'm not stressed. There is no reason to stress. I will be drinking a lot of water, and eating minimal food. As soon as the last bit of food hits my mouth i will start my watch....ready.. set..
I'm doing it just because I can. I dunno. Fasting is a personal choice. I do it for various reasons, but I don't think its the best way to lose weight. Sometimes it just feels good to have that control. Other times its nice to feel empty, you know the 'high'. I'll let you know when I start. I'll let you know how i progress. I want to get this dinner over with so I can go workout.
Stay hungry everyone :)

Edit: I started my fast at 8:00 pm. 3 hours down ha ha.

Dinner went well.[i ate a decent amount, swallowed some milk of magnesia afte] Afterward I went to the gym with my older sister. She was teaching me to box. I had so much fun! I bet if I keep it up I'll get toned! While we were there she saw what I'd written in permanent marker all over my thigh and a little on my stomach "FAT". I don't know if I told anyone that. Great you'll all think I"m crazy :( Anyway I did it on sunday. This is my older sister who has a blog called "KILLTHESCALE" She nearly was hospitalized for an ED. So yeah she is double suspicious of me now. I just told her that I have body dismorphia(which I do hella bad), "but I eat enough. don't worry"

Sunday, August 30, 2009

10 +

39 followers!! Wohhoooo!!!!! You guys are so awesome for reading and supporting me. I hope I do the same in return. I ended up going to the gym yesterday. I took today off, but will get back in routine tomorrow. I've got to really watch my intake as well. I want to start losing!

I think I weigh 300 pounds today. Its okay that I have eaten like shit though[of course its not okay i just tell myself that] because tomorrow is a new day. pshhh how many times have I told myself that? Oh wait. Everyday ha ha.

I asked J what to blog about today. He knows about my 'secret' blog. He said to tell you all this:

I started writing on him with a permanent marker. I drew some abs, gave him a +10 for those. Next I drew a smiley face on his chest and wrote "kiss me" with an arrow--> pointing at his nipple. I'm insane okay?

I really probably am crazy. Just a warning.

I had a pretty decent day. I woke up and made J laugh all day. He said I was acting so silly. I was singing, messing around, I think it was a mixture of many things that caused me to be so silly. Sometimes you just gotta be silly

I went to my younger sister's new apartment[I say younger, not little because she is way taller than me:)]
We made potatoes, vegetables and homemade blueberry cobbler(all vegan and gluten free)
I usually allow myself to eat around my sister. I don't want her to see me with my ED. I don't want
her to start developing one. I support her decision of becoming Vegan like me, but unhealthy, like me.

Tomorrow I have an interview for a head coaching job!! I'm really excited. My Dad wants to take me
and my younger sister out to dinner. I didn't answer him if I could or couldn't go. I guess it depends
on where they decide to eat. I really just can't wait to go to the gym. I don't want anything to do with
food tomorrow

Its a new week. Lets make the best of it!!!



Some days are good. Some days are shit. Just keep doing what you believe, and what makes you feel like YOU

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Fat loss = Constant Freezin

Yesterday i went to the gym for 3 and half hours. It felt good to work out my frustration(oh and my body :)) No weight loss, but no gain..So thats awesome!

I woke up this morning around 7 and looked outside. The sky was beautiful! I wrapped myself up in my blanket and took my camera outside. I snapped a few pictures and crawled back to bed. I am at work right now, but getting ready to go home. I don't have much to say, nothing much is going on. I think I want to go back to bed though. I feel exhausted. I've had 60 calories today. I am hoping the weight will start coming off soon. I don't know if I'll go to the gym, maybe just some lunges and stuff at home.

Stay strong everyone!!

Friday, August 28, 2009

I love the gym

Yesterday I had around 1000 calories. I would probably be down on myself, but I went to the gym for 2 and a half hours. I burned at least 1500 cals and I woke up this morning, did the normal routine with weighing in... No gain. I'm happy :)

today I've had 75 cals. I've been at work for almost 8 hours. I can't wait to get off. I have to deposit a check, send something in the mail(i'm finally applying for my cosmetology license..i'm a procrastinator) after that I think J wants to take me to the coffee shop. Then I'm going to go to the gym for at least 3 hours. Lucky me gets to spend my friday night at the gym. I'm a loner. I decided for every 100 cals I burn I get to spend $1 on new clothes :) I'm up to 30 dollars right now. When can I spend said money? Well ha ha. I have to be out of debt and under 120. I'll be under 120 hopefully sooner than I'm out of debt. And hopefully out of debt within the next few weeks.

I found out that I am going to need to find a new place to live. I can't afford food right now..and I'm actually kind of scared, but I'm sure something will work out. My mom offered to help me with rent somewhere, but I just don't want to accept it. I will if I absolutely need it..but thats got to be pretty extreme.

I am starting to see a subtle change with my body. Not as fast as I would like, but thats what I get for letting myself gain :) I will post pictures soon I think. I love working out. Its really been clearing my mind.

I hope everyone has a good weekend! Be careful with the parties. Remember you are strong! Stay hungry :) Have fun!

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Curvy Thinspo

Everybody has a different body shape.  We can't control how our bones shape us.  These are just some pictures of athletic bodies.  Megan Fox is gorgeous

Its in the Head

I hate facebook, mostly. I logged on yesterday and noticed my friend tagged me in some photos. These photos were from her wedding last summer. My stomach dropped in dread. That was when I was 147. 147. Sick sick sick. I was with J when I looked at the pictures. My mood instantly changed and I wouldn't tell him why.

Why was I upset? even at 127 pounds(currently) I still think I look fat and huge. I see myself as the same weight. I explained that to him and of course he couldn't understand. Sigh. Oh well.

Total intake yesterday was about 600 :) I ended up making grilled tofu, tofu noodles, and low cal veggies, threw it all together to make a wonderful stir fry!! I love low cal dinners. Guilt free dinners I should say. I played soccer for a bit with J, so I burned some calories. Today I'm going to do mucho cardio again :)

Stay Hungry everyone

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Bloody Knuckle

I cut my finger doing my friends hair yesterday. No one is perfect :)

I had a pretty good day yesterday. J didn't though, he stopped by and I cheered him up best I could. After he went back to work I went to the gym. An hour eliptical, half hour running, half hour eliptical. Then I did some stretching and abdominals. I felt sooo good. I burned at least 1500 cals. Thats almost half a pound! I was so estatic. Today I though I'd be so dead from doing it, but I'm not :)

I've had about 150 calories so far today. I stopped by J's placs this morning to surprise him with his favorite coffee drink. He is so cute and cuddly in the morning. It kills me ha ha. I'm having dinner with J tonight, well I'm attempting to make him something. Tofu, vegetables. Very low cal.

I hope everyone is doing well. I'll try to post some thinspo tomorrow when I have my own computer, and privacy. People sit by me now so they would probably be a little freaked if they saw me browsing a bunch of thinspo pictures. Oh and thanks for the interest to my new follower! I appreciate everyone's support, and I hope I can do the same in return


Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Migraine turned into the Flu

Yesterday I said I was getting that bad migraine...well I stayed at work as long as I could, and then right before I left I went into the bathroom and "threw up".  Except I hadn't eaten anything(drank some juice in the morning).  So I dry heaved.  I drove home and passed out.  J wanted me to come over but I couldn't move.  It hurt to open my eyes.  J surprised me an hour later and held me for a few hours.  I woke up feeling some what better.  As soon as I stood up though the head ache came back, he nausea also returned.  I told him I'd try to eat and then come over to his house.  I got some grapes, washed them, and then crawled back to bed.  I dry heaved before I could even eat.  A few minutes later I ate the grapes and tried to settle down.  I needed pain killer for my head, and J was still at the store across the street so he bought me some and came over.  I was on the bathroom floor when he came back. I threw up the grapes.  Told him I didn't want him to see me like this, but boys are caring and I loved that he was willing to try and take care of me.  

After I threw up the grapes(and continued to dry heave bleh) I swallowed some water.  Fell asleep for a few minutes but then dry heaved again.  I couldn't even keep water down. I was like "What the fuck body.  Do you want me to die?"  I wanted to just eat so I could at least throw something up, instead of dry heaving.  Anyway.  I finally woke up around 8:30 and was able to eat a bran muffin.  I swallowed some advil and water.  I still felt a little head ache, some naseua, but the worst was over.  I don't know how many of you believe in God.  But I was just praying non stop for the pain to ease up.  I feel 70 percent better today.  I'm just happy to not feel like I was feeling yesterday.

Yesterdays intake was therefore 340 cals

Today I've had  Saltine cracker : 120 cal
                            soy mocha         : 180 cal

I'm not going to push my body too much.  I will do my friends hair and then go home and clean.  Just take it easy.  I need to try and get my body healthy.  I hope everyone is doing well :)  This post was not so uplifting..but I'm doing better now. I'm so proud of everyone and their accomplishments.  Stay strong and don't give up!  You are all so wonderful.  Thanks for your support!  I got a new follower!  I'm so excited.  I hope to get more.  

Monday, August 24, 2009

pins and needles

Suffering from a major migrain right now. I'm betting its due to the fact that i've had no coffee today. That is sad because I should be able to function without it.

My period was a few days late than normal( which I'm not complaining about. The lighter I am the farther apart). But holy hell once it started.. I know this is TMI so maybe I'll stop. I've been feeling in control and I'm going to try out Einsteins Law of Attraction. I wrote what I want to be on some notecards and put them on my bathroom mirror. I can read them are just a few things I want/will be:

I am thin. I am in control. I am strong. I am beautiful. I am thin. I am in control. I am strong. I am beautiful. I am thin. I am in control. I am strong. I am beautiful. I am thin. I am in control. I am strong. I am beautiful. I am thin. I am in control. I am strong. I am beautiful. I am thin. I am in control. I am strong. I am beautiful. I am thin. I am in control. I am strong. I am beautiful. I am thin. I am in control. I am strong. I am beautiful. I am thin. I am in control. I am strong. I am beautiful. I am thin. I am in control. I am strong. I am beautiful. I am thin. I am in control. I am strong. I am beautiful. I am thin. I am in control. I am strong. I am beautiful.

Stay hungry

Friday, August 21, 2009

Fun times

Nothing like waking up at 6:30 am with J repeatedly hitting my hip with is knee. ha ha i just laughed. he was so out of it.

Yesterday was a good day. I stressed about recording my cello for a couple songs. I started playing with a band a few months ago. I'm happy to say it all worked out! Afterward I went to J's house and completely passed out.

Today I almost got ran over on my scooter. I was so scared I couldn't even react. I met J at the coffee shop all shaky and shit. I think part of it is the meds, no food. Bleh its been a long day. But I'm happy :) I am also happy to read everyone's posts. We may be stressed, happy, sad, lost, confused..but we're here for each other.


Thursday, August 20, 2009


thinforever I'm on Lexapro.  I had a lot more energy yesterday and I really do think its helping :)  I feel more like myself than I have since the beginning of this year. J and I are taking it really really slow.  He's been such a good friend to me, even through my freaking  crazy mood swings.  So yeah I dunno.  Its nice to have him around.  How are you and M?

I did my sister's hair last night :)  The color looked great!  I'm a genius and I don't know how I do it sometimes.  Afterward J and I rode our bikes to a coffee shop and I just got a black iced coffee.  Yesterday I had around 960 calories :(  But really the past couple of weeks I've been mindlessly eating for no reason.  It was nice to get some physical activity.  I should have practiced my cello for a a song I'm recording on...but I couldn't resist going to the gym.  Worked out my abs, did some cardio. 

This morning I stepped on the scale 126.4!!!  I couldn't believe it.  I weighed myself a few times.  Went the to gym and did the sitar climber, bike, and elliptical.  Before I went to work I was getting my coffee ready.  I wasn't planning on eating anything, but I have some apples that might go bad soon.  I also knew I had a long day today so I needed some energy.  I ate a little over half but couldn't finish it.  I wanted to finish it, but I couldn't.  It was really awesome.   Ha ha wow I'm twisted.   So today I've had about 150-200 cals.  I don't know if I'll eat much more today.  If I do it will be low cal :)

I am feeling like myself before my car accident.  The person that was in control of her life, emotions, and eating.  I pray that this continues. Thank you all for your support.  Stay strong!!

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

I've gotten a new follower! Thanks for the interest :) I hate my work computer, i can post to some blogs, and not to others. So here are my comments....

I'm sorry I can't be perfect don't be too hard on yourself girl! We all have days like that, and as long as you don't let them continue..we sometimes need it. Maybe go for a walk to get a little exercise. Do some stretching. I hope you feel better though

Lyndee thank you so much! I just read your blog and right now my work computer won't let me follow you, but I promise as soon as I can i'll add you. I hope your fasting goes well! Thats amazing. Make sure you drink lots of water

thinforever I miss you

meggy that picture isn't me (i wish though)

Tri thin yeah i hate when people harrass non meat eaters. I've just learned to walk away from it. You and I have similar stats. I want to be under 120 by october...not sure how things will work out right now..a lot of people are worried about me again. Thats the good thing about the cold weather, easier to hide.

Third day on medication. I'm noticing a few side affects. Loss of apetite, not feeling hungry at all. Naseua(mostly just the first day). Last night I came home from the salon and I felt like I was sleep walking. I knew I needed to eat something(only 150 cals though :)) and as I prepared my food I did it without thinking. I knew I was going to pass out so after I ate my food I went to the couch, for some reason the couch seemed more logical than the bed. Hmm. I woke up at 7:30 feeling absolutely starving, to the point where I thought I might puke. So I went to the kitchen and put some veganese on a rice cake, topped it off with a slice of tomoatoe. Guzzled down some water and called it good. If I still felt hungry I wasn't going to let myself eat more. I ended up going to bed and woke up at 10:30 when J called me. I still felt really weird, I had been texting him prior to the phone call. We talked for a while and then I asked if I could come hang out with him. I knew I was either going to fall back asleep, be up at 3 or 4 in the morning, or I wouldn't fall asleep until 3 or 4 in the morning. I was so glad I went to hang out with him. I've stopped spending the nights with him, but last night I was so uneasy, and we both wanted a massage, so I stayed with him..well by the time we finally were ready to fall asleep it was 4:30 am and I had to leave in three hours :) my bad he he.

It was weird though. I drive a scooter, and the ride home was pretty chilly(thats not the weird part). My body was mostly warm, except for my feet. J warmed them up, and even though he was holding me, and we had a fairly thick blanket over us, I was freezing. I am not sure if it was because of the scooter ride, or if its because i'm losing body fat(i'll settle for both, but i'd def love it if it were the latter)

Today I've had an apple and some coffee. I hope to have enough energy to go to the gym after work. If not i'll take a nap, do my sisters hair, and then go to the gym.

Don't forget to give yourself some credit now and then. Try and keep your chin up and don't beat yourself up too often.


Tuesday, August 18, 2009


I went to the doctors yesterday.  The doctor had me take a survey to try and determine what I could possibly be dealing with.  I wasn't enough of anything to really be diagnosed.  She said most likely I'm dealing with situational depression.  She gave me some mild anti depressants.  I told her I didn't want to gain weight, and I didn't want to be a zombie.  I googled the brand and looked at the reviews.  I felt really happy that most of them were positive, and only two reviews mentioned a weight gain.  In fact a read quite a few that they lost their appetite.  I'm still working out and if I noticed any gain I'll talk to the doctor right away..gaining would only make things worse.  I've been on it for two days, and its made me lose an appetite.  It will take a week or two to be more in my system but I already do feel as though I have more control.  With life, with eating.  Its great.

I worked out yesterday-forced myself to go the the gym, but once it was all said and done of course i was glad i went.  I went this morning as well 45 minutes on treadmill.  Abdominal work, and (something i'm horrible at) stretching.  I ate before i took my pill but  I haven't had an appetite since and I love it.  

I'm still at my hump..but i'll get past it soon.  I'm looking more and more toned and that means more than just weighing less.  I've done the skinny fat before, and its not pretty.  I've also done the skinny skinny and that just takes time :)

This lady was in at the salon today.  Told me "DON'T BE VEGAN"  I was pissed.  Very loudly she told me I was stupid, I would have health issues(hun you don't even know me), if I ever had kids(which I probably won't) will have issues.  Bitch, shut up.  I'm skinny, you're fat.  You're loud.  I know how to take care of myself.  I know about nutrition.  I know how to take care of myself.  And its enough that i struggle with an ED.  End of RANT

Don't let anyone push you around.  Be yourself.  

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Hopefully Tomorrow WIll Change Things

I'm hoping some type of meds will help me.  After I wrote my last post I think I turned a little manic the next day.  Thursday, Friday and yesterday I was happy again.  I don't know. I think part of it is PMS, but who knows.

I took the day off from the gym on friday. I think that was the first day off in a week!  I am looking a lot more toned and that makes me happy.  I am stuck at a plateau but i'm not going to stop trying hard.  I know I'll eventually break it.  Part of it is that I started lifting a lot more, I usually gain a little because I'm building muscle.  But its important to weight train so you have muscle.  

I am fasting right now.  Most likely for the rest of the day.  This post is un organized but I've missed you all!  I'm going to read everyone's blog now


Thursday, August 13, 2009

i am strong

Yesterday was amazing.  I got in another fight with J two days ago.  Its ridiculous.  We fixed things eventually(for now) but something he said to me hit me yesterday "Wake Up"  We were talking about my ED and how I just don't like myself at all.  How I am tired of fighting myself for acceptance, "Wake up" He said.

I did wake up yesterday.  I don't know if any of you remember A, the D-bag that tried to get up in my pants last week.  It seems that for the past year and a half I've confided in people like him.  People that I think I can trust, and in some way I get manipulated into Believing I NEED them.  I can't forget them.  I woke up yesterday.  I realized, I DON'T need him anymore.  I told him that too.  I said "I'm leaving everyone, no not killing myself, I'm just going to take charge of my life".  I am a strong woman.  I hope to continue this feeling of Strength and Courage.

I'm also feeling better with my control.  I was b/p and abusing laxatives again.  But since the beginning of this week I took a look at myself, at the way I've been behaving.  It is not how I want to do things.  Restriction is one thing, purging, bingeing.. I will not put my body through this.  I need to start thinking when I eat, and really listening to my body.  I am always sick and its mostly my fault.  I am strong though because I've been going to the gym everyday, I've been weight lifting, trying to get to bed at a decent time. 

Anyway I gained like 4 pounds the past little while, but this morning I got on the scale this morning, afraid, but pleasantly surprised by my results... and I'm back down to an acceptable weight.  I know I'll be back down soon. 

Thanks for reading.  I hope everyone knows they are worth something( i have to tell myself that everyday whether I believe it or not)

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Comments for People

Skinniness- you sound like you are doing so well! I am glad I found your blog :) You're an inspiration for me, and I'm sure many others. Can't wait to hear more from you!

Thin forever I really wish I could help. All I can do is give you my words and support. Nothing is permanent. Life is always changing. I can't stay "don't worry, be happy" because I worry all the time, I struggle daily to be happy. Honestly why can't we have some down time? Its healthy. But I hope things do eventually level out for you. Thank you for your positive vibe, your thinspo and support

I'm sorry I can't be perfect- I'm glad you didn't binge :) Way to go

I've three new followers! Thank you so much for your interest. I can't wait to look at your blogs as well.

Last night I got in a major argument with J. I've come to realize he is very selfish. He is a caring person, but selfish. Things were said that just proved it more and more. He's not all to blame. I've been dealing with so many issues that I'm beginning to crack. He found out that I started cutting again and obviously got mad. But the conversation then turned into him blaming me for all this random shit. I didn't expect sympathy, cutting is stupid, but for him to go off and blame an already emotionally unstable person..what do you think will happen? I cut myself again. BUT!! and a big But. I called a doctor today to see if I can get on any medication to help me. I'll see her on Monday. This is going to be a one time visit though, and I don't want anti depressants. After doing research i'm finding that what i might need is a behavioral med.

I did a great ab workout last night. I decided to give my body a break from cardio. This morning, however, I did an awesome cardio workout :) I burned 600 cals! I've consumed less than 200 cals today. I hope everyone has a lovely day

stay strong

Monday, August 10, 2009


I've gotten another follower! I don't know who it is because I never pay attention(but I will now). So thank you whoever has started following me :)

Yesterday was an interesting day. I ate too much, but went for a 2 and a half mile run and that felt really good. I probably looked like such a silly girl. I ran to the park and went around it 4 times(2 miles) without stopping. I ran those two miles it under 20 minutes, so at least I can still run somewhat fast. For my cooldown I continued to circle it while I did some stretches, plies, hand stands on the grass. It was the sky that made me so giddy. It was beautiful. Yeah I ate too much but at least I went for a run. oh and I did 5 days of workout last week! That is my minimal goal, and i'm glad I at least accomplished that.

Daily: Drink 64 oz of water a day(at the very least). Never eat more than 800 cals. Stretch my muscles.

Weekly: Work out at least 5 times a day, 6 ideally, the 7th day do a light walk or jog. Fast one day a week. Lose at least 2 pounds a week(until I get light weight then it will be harder to lose, so maintain what I've lost)

Monthly: Do a cleanse lasting at least 3 days.

Daily: I don't know how to daily reward myself. Any ideas?

Weekly: I love coffee but I've been spending too much money, and drinking sugar filled mochas too often. So I'm cutting back. If I work out at least 5 days out of the week and have fasted one day I can have a sweet coffee.

Week2: If I've lost weight, worked out, done my fasts I can go tanning(i know this is stupid, but it motivates me. When I'm not so white I look slimmer)

Week3: If I'm losing/maintaing, working out, and fasting I can treat myself to a new book, cd, writing stuff(i love notebooks, pens etc) or whatever as long as its no more than 10 dollars.

Week4: If I'm losing/maintaining, working out, fasting and I've done my month cleanse I can get a new article of clothing.

does anyone have other ideas? goals? rewards? is this stupid? he he love ya'll

stay hungry

Diente de Leon- for you

For some reason i couldn't post a comment on your blog. I tried twice and they were long posts.

I know the feeling of wanting to start fresh. Go somewhere you've never gone, be around people who have no preconceptions of you. In a sense I did this the past few months. I met new people, and even changed my name. I turned into another person essentially and now I don't know who I am ha ha. So if you do get the chance to travel, never forget that being yourself is the best way to be. I'm sure you already know that.

I have never been a flirtatious girl. I don't really know how. The two real boyfriends I have had were amazing though. I can honestly say that being able to trust someone 100% is WORTH it. When you find a connection, and share it deeply with someone, it is a very secure and safe feeling. I wouldn't trade it for anything. So I hope one day soon you'll be able to exprience that with someone special. Maybe bring yourself to a new scene(outside of the party scent) to meet someone new. You are lucky that you have the skills(and looks) to attract guys. I'm sure you'll be able to use it on someone special who will love and, adore, and do ANYTHING for you.

I'm sorry about your stepfather. It doesn't sound like a happy relationshiop. Do you get along with your mother somewhat better? I am often bothered by those people who are older than me. They think they know so much more just because they've been alive longer. Its bullshit. Age is just a number. I think what truly determines someone's maturity is through life expreience. Stay strong

As far as your weight and control. Just try and make each day better than the last. Keep strong, don't be too hard on yourself. We are all striving for a perfection, whatever perfect is for you, and its best if you try and stay positive.


Saturday, August 8, 2009

numb but there is a light at the end

it went down like this:

thursday i was depressed.  i couldn't pinpoint exactly what it was.  was this real depression?  wanting to cut. all day.  I was afraid to be alone.  I didn't want to go back to cutting.  I promised myself I wouldn't.  I went to a bbq at a friends house, it was so good to see old friends, but in my head I was dreading going home.  I've been reading this book called Impulse and one of the characters in the book is a cutter.  It made me want to release.  I got home and went to find my hair cutting tools.  NO, not to hurt myself.  But I totally cut my hair.  Honestly I look a lot better with it short, and i feel a lot more confident, like myself.  

I went to J's apartment to show him my hair.  He still thought I was cute.  We stayed up super late, I was sore and my stomach hurt.   While he was getting ready for bed I started crying, the type of crying that doesn't have tears.  I pulled myself together before he came to bed.  I don't remember what/if anything was said but I cried.  Hard.  He just held me.  And then we talked about maybe why i was down.  I told him how I wanted to cut all day, but didn't give in to the urge.  

Friday:  Great day at the salon.  I had a walk in, made a little money.  My fellow stylist fixed up my hair.  I ate way too much yesterday, I felt like shit.  I went to the gym, but they closed before I could do as much as I wanted.  I'd plan to go 3 hours but only was able to do a little more than an hour.  I went home, finished reading the book(which by the way has a beautiful ending and i loved it, emotional).  Then I frantically searched for my straight edge razor.  I'd used it on a photo shoot to clean up my hair.  I looked through my make up, hair supplies, no luck.  I decided I'd break apart my shaving razor and use one of those blades.  But where would i cut?  my wrist with the tattoo was a no go(Hey remember how that tattoo is supposed to stop you from cutting?).  I didn't want to cut my right arm. I didn't want new scars.  So, just below my elbow I reopened a scar.  Not too deep, just enough to bleed.  I took a shower and let it flow.  I went back and cut into it again.  

Today:  I don't feel guilt.  I feel better.  My arm hurts now and then, a comforting feeling.  I'm drained physically and emotionally.  I made some money today, and i've gone to the gym.  I feel like I will get better too. I know this sounds like a really depressing post, but there is light at the end of this shitty tunnel.  I will survive.  I've been reading a lot of books, and all of them have had some sort of survival.  After I cut last night I got this feeling, that things would be better.  J said to me "it seems like you've had to go through a lot of crud lately"  Its because I have, but I'm going to be okay.  I don't know when things will ease up, but they will.  

So if you've read this post thank  you.  I love you for reading it I know its long.  If you stopped reading it than I hope you'll read my happier posts.   

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Before and Afters