You're not alone

Friday, October 30, 2009

Halloween Thinspo!!!!

Happy Halloween everyone! I love you so much. Avoid the candy and have a good weekend :)

Thursday, October 29, 2009

help me

tonight i will forget what i've done

i will soon fall asleep

and not eat until saturday night

i just fucking want to cry right now. i normally don't post when i'm this low but i just need someone. J doesn't get off work for another few hours. fuck

Lovely Thursday

Hey everyone! Let me start with I love you!! 100 followers! I 'm thrilled and I'll be posting haloween thinspo tonight or tomorrow. I've been trying to post on your blogs but my computer is being really stupid..I've not forgotten you I promise! Here is a bunch of hugs and kisses to you all!! And Skinnies I'm so jealous that you got to go to MUSE!!

Okay my life: Tuesday was uneventful. Mostly just slept and probably ate a little more than I should have. I had a banana at 1:00 and then later that night some strawberries, and later that night something else, oh a sandwhich. I probably stayed around 800, but no workout that day so it was no bueno.

Wednesday: I stayed busy. I had cereal and a banan for breakfast. The head coaches son offered me a doughnut at practice..easily said no. I ate around 900 cals total but burned 800 minimum at the gym and I went tanning. You know I don't know why but being tan makes you look thinner. And i haven't gone forever so it felt really nice since its starting to get really cold here. I freaked out last night though after I ate dinner. Lets see two pieces of toast plus butter(the toast was pretty high cal but soo good) 300 cal though I'm guessing and then less guilty food; vegetable soup at 180 cal for the whole can!! praise the skinny goddess. But I was still freaking out. Good thing I got to go to the gym. Oh and Scotile posted about Colonic Massages. OMG such an amazing secret. Its been doing wonders for my bowels. I've been trying to avoid laxies and usually I only take them/drink(milk of magnesia) when I binge. Which has been a long time, but still they make me sick and the colonic massages help.

This morning I went to early morning dryland. We did wall sits, lunges, abs, shoulders. I ate another two pieces of toast to give me energy but hopefully with an hour of working out i burned most of it off :( maybe? I'm pretty confident I'll be okay. I got some coffee on my way to work. I haven't been to work all week :s not so good because I need the money but hopefully I can still get a bunch of hours tomorrow-sunday. I am going to be pretty busy the rest of the day hoping to finish the day off with just liquids and maybe some soup. Today's schedule:


nephews party(birthday cake :s I just need to say no)

band practice

gym? i think some more cardio sounds lovely

I'm really looking forward to the weekend. Tomorrow I might fast? Anyone want to join? Saturday I have a swim fundraiser, Imight participate to help raise money. We are doing a swim-a-thon, swim as many laps as you can kind of deal. I think I could go for a long time, and just think how many cals I'd burn! I'm going to carve pumpkins too :) Then saturday night J and David are going to come to my new apartment and we are going to have a mild haloween party. Get high and pissed most likely. I want to pass out candy to kids and watch Hanibal. Oh how I love sir anthony hopkins. I just need to get through the next 48 hours.

Stay strong my skinnies! And some followers asked what my next GW was. Its 120. It really helps that I don't weigh everyday. Even after seeing the scale at 124.4 I ate more the next two days(tuesdsay/wednesday). I think the next time I weigh will be next thursday. How does that sound to everyone? Bueno? I hope to be under 120 by thanksgiving and maintain low teens throughout the holidays. I've been pretty good with not eating too many sweets, it totally makes me look better. Sugar doesn't really make me gain a ton of weight, but it definitely makes me look fat. When I cut it out within a few days my love handles shrink. I've avoided binges and candy most of this month and I'm happy for that because september was purge galore month! ew. I don't know what my november plan is yet(mainly thanksgiving) but I've got to think up something soon. I love you all!! Don't forget.

Monday, October 26, 2009


I went to my old house where my scale has been...

Last weigh in was around 128

I stepped on the scale wearing my pants, socks, underwear, bra, undershirt, shirt, scarf and jacket...weighed 128

I might have lost my breathe. 128 with all my clothes on. I slowly stripped down to my skimmies weighing myself as the clothes came off. weighed 124.4!!!!

I am so happy because i've been wanting to be under 125 for so long. I won't weigh again for a while. I might fast on thursday. I will do a hard workout tomorrow. Time to get back down to 120! I finally feel real hope

Ah the feeling of being empty

Yesterday I had a banana at about 2:00 pm. Then some coffee. I went to work for a few hours which was good because I need money. J and I went back to his place and I was so grumpy, I needed food. My intake has been really low and I'm trying to recover from being sick, so food was okay for me last night.

We made homemade burritos. I started baking the tortillas, one for me, two for J. He started eating his and said "i'll be impressed if you can finish that". I wanted to eat the whole thing, my intake would have safely stayed around 500 even if I ate the whole thing. Well honestly I did have a screw driver and some spiked coffee, but anyway...I couldn't finish the burrito. I felt satisfied and no need to finish it at all!

This morning I've had a few strawberries, coffee, and a bite of a pb sandwhich. I feel great. I am feeling thin again and I want to keep it up. I stopped weighing myself everyday and I really think thats helping. When I don't know what I weigh I don't want to chance messing it up, so I stay stronger. Anyway... I love you all!!

Stay strong

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Hello Its ME!


Lovely day. I coached my swim team and it went faster than I anticipated. I met up with J for some coffee. He is a babe. Anyway. All I'd eaten before that was.. well honestly I can't remember. Maybe some type of fruit I think. Before going to the gym I had an apple and protein bar..240 ish cals. I burned 600 again at the gym.

My band played a show last night. Our band is The Iso Principle, thats the blog with some links to listen to the music. J came with his supervisor David. I was so glad they were there to support us! Really boost our morale. I drove J and David back to work and we stayed there and had some great bonda adderoll ge. I used something to the affect of.. I really need to get that prescribed to me.


I stayed awake through the night again.. because of the stuff. J and I haven't been able to kiss because he has a cold sore :(. Well we were sailing quite high and couldn't stop, I avoided the sore, washed my lips and what not. Its torture not being able to kiss each other. We talked for hours and hours, I feel so close to him. I had to go coach for a few hours this morning and we had some awesome swims!

I hadn't eaten since yesterday before the gym. I didn't want solid foods but I did need something to get rid of my headache. Fresh Fruit Smoothie? So delicious. I mixed up some orange juice, banana, strawberry and kiwi. I shared it with J. Probably about 150 cals total. I slept until the evening and my headache came back. J asked me to try and eat to feel better. So I basically liquid fasted before having a small portion of rice pasta. I can feel my collarbones starting to protrude a bit more!

Ladies and Gents. I love you!

Friday, October 23, 2009

Card E Yo

Yesterday I was fighting the urge to binge
I kept thinking what I would binge on
Then I quickly told myself No!

Instead I went to the gym
Used the eliptical for an hour, burned 600 cal
then I did some ab work and triceps

Instead of looking bloated from a possible binge
today i look thin!

Today haven't had any food.
I'm not sure how the rest of the day will go
but i'll keep my intake low

I promise to write a new post soon. And I've started finding halloween stuff!

90 followers!! You guys are the best

Wednesday, October 21, 2009


before miss flow decided to bloat me

I stayed up for 32 hours, slept for 2 and am awake again. So i'm doing a quick post.

I looked at some online job opportunities, as I mentioned in my last post the magazine job wanted me to send them some sample articles.. well I checked my email last night and received other good new. Another writing job I inquired about asked me to send in a Resume.

A resume for my writing skill
it was a sad resume

But guess what!!

They asked me to send in some sample writing as well.

Still on my period. Feel gross and bloated. I'm high. and need to pass out before i go on a munchie rampage.

Stay strong and i'll do a much better post when I'm off my period. I just am too grumpy ha ha.

oh p.s. look forward to some halloween thinspo!!

Tuesday, October 20, 2009


yup its here.

I've been up for almost 24 hours now or more.

IN good News:

I replied to a wanted writer for a new magazine coming out in my state

they replied wanting to read more of how i would write

i just sent them the email.

crossing fingers

OH and here is the link i tried to post the other day: Allergy

Sunday, October 18, 2009

I love being a hairstylist

And so I have baggy eyes and no make up..but I am now super blonde
He he go modeling poses!!!!

I had a very good day thus far. J and I went on an hour walk.
Sadly he had to go to work but I went and did some shopping.
I got that new shirt in my pic. I hardly ever buy color
I'm going to do some crunches and leg lifts before he gets back.

I wrote a personal essay yesterday: Allergy
After writing it I read the words and couldn't believe it was mine.

Not more to say. I feel the period coming
sore boobs all fucking day. its annoying

I love you all! Lets make this week awesome!!!

You'd think I learn by now

Thank you all for the lovely compliments. It really made my day. <3>

Thursday night J and I were falling asleep. I was clingy from our adventurous day, I felt his warm skin against mine, his arms were protecting me.
"I want to tell you something" I said quietly in the dark.
"What is it?" he asked sweetly.
"It will sound stupid"

I had been telling him all day how much I adored him. I thought about marriage and what not. I tried to explain to him about how close I felt to him. What I really wanted to say: I'd marry you

Which I indeed end up saying out loud! I blame sleep deprivation and pot.
"J. I'd marry you" I rolled to my side, being spooned by him
a few seconds(too many seconds) of silence
and more
"I feel like I should say I want to marry you"

My chest hurt as I fell asleep, and upon waking up in the morning. So yesterday I wrote him a letter. Explaining that I was somewhat delirious last night, but the way he responded made me sad. You see I didn't expect him to say anything, and I hadn't really thought about 'us' as married until two days ago. We would half heartedly joked about growing old together and swearing at each other as we decay(he he)

He wrote me a letter back. Saying it took him off guard, maybe the timing was wrong, he knew he should have not said anything, but felt bad for the silence. He ALSO said how he felt the need to cry, he felt like he wanted me to know he NEEDs me, as in he is able to trust me. He said we are GOOD together. We make things work. and
He would marry me too
He noted how we both know we aren't ready, but a possibility? Yes.
I really love him so much. I can't keep my eyes off him at times. I feel overwhelmed.

I re colored my hair last night!!! Its like grayish purple and then the ends are still a little dark so there is still some hint of yellow. But its a LOT better looking and I'll post a pic soon.
Ook so you'd think I'd learn a lesson about laxatives.. such as. They work for only so long. If you abuse them for too long your body begins to have the reverse effect. Like BM please dear GOD. TMI but today I finally look skinny again. I love my hip bones.

I'm thinking about fasting tomorrow. I don't think i have any reason to eat.

Stay strong everyone!!

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Love Calls

We had fun one night with his PSP camera
I swear he doesn't always look like that
Coffee!! We went there twice today ha ha
We went out to eat at this Raw Foods place. Its all organic, vegan, and raw. We shared this hummus pizza thing.. so good
Waiting for the food, I was playing mario cart on the nintendo DS. Go YOSHI!
And this is me in his arms

I remembered my game plan when I woke up this morning.
i was getting ready to go coach, and then go to work afterward
I made myself some coffee and then cuddled up to J for a bit longer
he got really sad
"What is it?" I asked
"I want to lie here with you" he said sadly
"I have to coach, I'm sorry"
We cuddled a bit more, and then he said,
"Here's the plan. You go coach, and then come back and I'll hold you"
"What about work? Babe you need to go to work, I need to go to work"
Then he just hid his head in the pillow.
"I don't want you to go"
I couldn't tell if he was over-exaggerating
trying to be silly/cute
then I saw the pillow had some wet spot
right by his eyes
My heart Dropped
"What is it hun?" I asked, I have never seen him cry(except when I tickle him, or we laugh about dumb shit when we're high)
He just buried his head more into the pillow
"Baby please. What's wrong?"
"I guess its not just you who hates life"[i was suicidal last night, got really scared, prayed, felt love, cried, thats another story]
He just started crying and crying.
"I can come back when I'm done coaching"
"Bbbut i have to work" he was still crying hard.
really. he has NEVER cried in front of me.
I wanted to cry
"Let me hold you. we'll figure something out"

I came up with the idea to drive up to SLC and just walk around. Go to a few boutiques, coffee shop, whateva. After I lightened his hair, and cut mine(i cut the back shorter, left the front long, i can't wait to be platinum) :), we ventured out. I wanted to fast today but seeing J sad like that, and wanting to make him feel better was first priority over fasting. I know that might sound weak, but today I am happy. J loves me. He thinks I'm beautiful, and today I just..God. My heart is seeping out of my body and just..loving him. I can't explain it. I think we really got even closer today.

We talked about moving to Oregon together. I have never seriously considered/thought about marriage with him, but today I thought about it. We care deeply for each other, and we always try to help each other out. I love him. I love him. I'm looking at him right now and my stomach is just doing flips. Today i've just been clingy. I feel selfish that I always cry about whatever, "You're not the only one who hates life sometimes".

So yes I didn't fast, I failed you all. But Love called. I have to take care of my babe sometime.


oh. p.s. fast starts tomorrow :) stay strong!

Wednesday, October 14, 2009


Fasting until Friday
Not posting until friday
will read your blogs
i bloody well better have news of success