You're not alone

Tuesday, June 30, 2009


All my troubles seemed so far away, now it looks as though they're here to stay, oh i believe in yesterday.

Over max -10(i blame my boyfriend)
Exercise +10
Encouraging +1
Water +8

Stay strong everyone.  My life is stupid right now. 

Monday, June 29, 2009

New Week

This morning: Fruit snacks, two hard candies: 180

Workout: 60 min spin, 15 minutes lifting, +5

Water: so far 32 oz :4

Blended Ice Soy Mocha: I'm guessing 200 cal
Work another 6 hours
Workout tonight: cardio again, some abdominal work.
I will be 125 by the end of this week.

Saturday, June 27, 2009


I've been busy this week and not really had time to post. I had my school graduation. I had to find a hair model and was stressing pretty bad because I couldn't find one. I finally did find someone though and it turned out well. I was at the salon all day thursday assisting, and then doing my model. I found out about MJ that day. My heart dropped. Michael will always be the King of Pop and everyone needs to quit with the jokes. I seriously will cut anyone that makes another negative comment about him.

Yesterday I was really scared to weigh in. I am pretty OCD about when I weigh in. It has to be in the morning right before I go anywhere, or right after I workout. I was at my bfs house though(it was his birthday yesterday). So I couldn't weigh in until late after noon. The scale said....130.2!!!!! I'm almost out of what I consider my "fat" zone. 125-129 is my "chubby zone". I probably won't weigh myself today though. After my graduation(I spoke at it :s I think I did well though) I made a bunch of Indian food for my bf. I have never cooked real Indian food and I discovered 7 green peppers in a Korma dish makes it hella spicy. I didn't really eat anything else yesterday other than that though. It still was a lot of food in my mind. But the good thing is that spicy food does a wonder for my digestive tract. Total flushing of the system :). I'm at work for a few more hours. I only got 7 hours this week and I'm totally broke. So hopefully when I'm done I can go workout for a couple hours. I'll weigh in tomorrow morning for the WLC and hope to be 129-130 still.

Have a lovely day!

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Go Orange!

I just want to give a shout out to the ORANGE TEAM!!  We are all strong and beautiful.  Don't give into defeat, or bad days, bad minutes, bad moments.  Rise above it and keep your head up.  Mind over body.  Keep strong.  Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.


Monday, June 22, 2009

The other

I talked to P(my best friend) earlier this morning. He has about 5 months left until he gets home. He sent me an email telling me how he still hoped deep down inside we could have another chance together. He also said that any guyfriends or boyfriend better be aware that he's coming home december 9th to take me back.
My heart is his in all honesty. I love my boyfriend, J, but part of me still belongs to P. I don't know who I'd be happier with. I don't know what the future will entail. I just know life is about to get rocky. I also know I'm going to continue losing weight.


131 :)

Just two pounds away from being out of the 13o's. I can't believe it! I've been doing a lot more exercise while I'm at home or at my boyfriend's to kill time. More sit ups, leg lifts. This week will be a good week at the gym. I am really wanting to be in the low 120's by the beginning of July. I'm taking a road trip with J. We'll be spending time with his old friends and I want them to see me skinny, not fat. His old girlfriend was this skinny asian.

I decided my ultimate goal : be skinnier than my boyfriend. Ha Ha he told me "I can't wait for you to look breakable" As in "fragile". Isn't that the best? When you are at a low weight and people see you as a porclean doll. I love it because I feel like I need protection. I need someone to wrap their arms around me. Sigh.

I get paid in 3 days. I can't buy my diet pills until then, and probably not any smokes either. I'm trying to quit with the smokes though so maybe its a good thing. Debt is a bitch but I'm determined to get out of it!

CW 131
Gw 128
GW2 125

Friday, June 19, 2009

fat girl in a pretty dress

I got some photos from one of the photographers I worked with last friday. I'm hoping the other photographer got some better shots, and did better editting. I just look so fat in all my pictures. It makes me wonder if I should even attempt to be a model.

Good news though. I stepped on my scale this morning and it read 132 before switching to 133. Bleh. Not bad. But I've been sitting at 133 the past few days. so I decided to try again. 132. And again 132. again? 132!!!! I know its not a huge loss. But I've lost 5 pounds in two and a half weeks. I'll lose so much more faster now that I've gotten more control back.

I've eaten roughly 350-400 today. I worked out after eating and burned aroudn 450. My boyfriend wants to have a lunch break soon. I might eat some vegetables or something. I'm staying strong. Xo xo

Wednesday, June 17, 2009


If people want to try and stop eatind disorders than the whole world needs to change. I'm speaking from the United States but tell me if you recognize such statements:

"You have to eat EVERYTHING on your plate or you aren't leaving the table"
"Two more bites"

So what causes an Eating Disorder? Why don't we just ask a physc. Screw them I don't believe in shrinks. If it works for you, good, but as for me I doubt I'll ever see one. Anyway. I believe there are so many factors causing Eating Disorders. I think it starts young, very young. When we are children we probably do need to be told how to eat, to an extent. I remember being told I couldn't leave the table until I was finished eating. So parents are teaching their kids bad habits. What if I was full? Truly "Too bad, you put it on your plate, you finish it" I say to an extent because my youngest brother wouldn't eat unless my mom forced him because he preferred doing other things, play games, watch a movie, and so on so forth. Yes parents should be responsible for children and making sure they get the proper nutrients. Why is it so hard to get kids to eat vegetables? I grew up having to eat vegetables or salad with every meal. Sometimes I wanted it, sometimes I didn't. My mom would make sure we at least ate the veggies and fruit before being excused. I have no problem with that because now I really love vegetables(aside from being vegan ha ha). So why is it so hard? Well we live in a very processed food world. Candy, fast food, frozen dinners, you name it. Going to fast food restraunts was rare when I was growing up. We would have to beg my mom to take us there. I'm so glad she didn't. We get our kids addicted(i'm saying this like I have children, I don't, hope I'm not offending anyone who does) to high fructose corn syrup, processed shit that has no nutritional value. Of course we don't want to eat vegetables.
Then comes puberty. Where I'm sure most people's ed's start to grow. Our bodies start chaging. We can't eat whatever we want anymore. We hear our parents say "I'm dieting". So why can't we? Instead of telling a young girl she is fine the way she is..maybe..just maybe..ask her why she thinks she needs to diet. If a young girl is having issues then the parent should instigate and encourage healthier EATING HABITS(not diet) and exercise. I don't think anyone is ever too young for that. Wow the world has a lot of work to do.

All in all though. ED's start and come from many different sources and I just felt like sharing my views to see if anyone agreed.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

No more lies

First off thank you all for your lovely comments. I am so down about my weight that I lose sight of how lucky my life has been going right now. I need to stay more positive.

Last night I told my boyfriend about my eating disorder. I don't know what compelled me to tell him, but there I was, texting him that I wanted to tell him something very personal. I told him how much I've hated myself and how much its killing me to try and be "healthy" or "normal". I was so used to being thing, fragile, weak, cold. The control I had was my addiction. I told him that I basically had to let that control go to recover from my accident. At first I just tried to go with it. Eat "normal" and be healthy. Then I told him that what is torturing me the most is the loss of control. I want that control, that high. I asked him if I creeped him out at this point"Not really. I'm actually not creeped out at all. I don't know what to make of it for sure but its not creepy. I don't know why you would want to settle into anything less than you are or enjoying being. so fighting to get it back is something I can understand. I ranted a bit more. I'm really not creeped at all. It makes sense to me in general. You're in control of your life and lifestyle, you're happywith it and yourself, and then something drastic happens and you're forced to let it slip away. You hae a chance to get it back and you're doing what you have to to get it. If I'm understanding correctly. I don't see what I would do different in your situation. I then said. you wouldn't stop me? Or tell me what I should or shouldn't do? Do you expect me to tell you waht to do ro stop you? I wouldn't stop you but I wasn't sure if you wanted advice. Everyone else has to get in my business. I respect your opinion. He then said he didn't see anything wrong with my eating. Thats where I told him..I don't eat enough. I don't care to eat enough. Then he said this. "So do you have a problem in your eyes with eating less like you did?" I told him no because I'm unhappy now. "I don't care. Whatever makes you happy. Other people shouldn't change that for you." I said thank you. I wanted to get this out of my head. I wanted you to understand me better. I don't have any more secrets now. His reply "You're welcome. I still think you're the most wonderful girl ever" One of the last things I said before drifting off to sleep was. It helps a lot that you didn't freak out, and you listened. "Thats because I get it."
He invited me to come over for smokes and coffee this morning before I went to the salon. I don't regret telling him. I feel like ana visited me last night. I feel like I can completely give my control back to ana. I think a big fear I had was that if I started losing, and started going back to my old lifestyle my boyfriend, the one who sees me the most, would stop me. But he isn't. He is just going to be there for me. I am confounded.

And I'm 132.8 lbs. I'll be out of the 130s this week for sure

Monday, June 15, 2009

digesting again

Tmi? Maybe. I'm digesting food again on my own. Its a good feeling because I have so many stomach problems, and I know an ED on top of it all doesn't help. I'll go through phases where I start taking too many laxatives. Then the lax bloats me..I slowly wean myself off them, but still have to take them. Then I have one day where I don't take hurts like hell. Then the next day I'm fine. I haven't taken any since friday and I'm feeling a lot better.

Last week was different. I was really busy all week. Work. Salon. Photoshoot(I'll post pics soon). The photo shoot was 8 hours and I at least got paid for it, but it always surprises me how sore and tired I get when I do long shoots. I love it though. Saturday I finished filming for the inide movie. The director wants to use me again for his next film. I also got a call from my agent saying I could be up for an extra in a film. 1500 dollars. And..get this..its another indie Zombie film ha ha. He should be calling me today or tomorrow. I could really use the money so hopefully its worth the time. Saturday and Sunday were lazy days though.

I hate lazy days. I smoked and drank both nights. Watched tv shows and what not. I got really really depressed though. Saturday night I was contimplating suicide again. Same with sunday. I don't know whats wrong with me. I need to be happy right? I had a flash back of 3 years ago. I was at this lds camp thing. I think it may have been the first time I ever made myself throw up. I just wanted to have a reason to go to my room and sleep. I truly have had this ED longer than I've known without fully realizing it. You know?

i'm going to be out of the 130's this week.

Thursday, June 11, 2009


I am going to break this cycle that I've gotten in . I'll be doing really well for a few days, and then one day I have a small slip up. Then the next day it gets worse. Tuesday and yesterday weren't the best days, but I decided I wasn't going to let those day ruin the other 4 days I have left in this week. I ended last night with a really long and hard workout. I probably burned around 1300 calories. If I don't break this cycle I'm never going to get anywhere. Today I've been good so far. I am going to work at the salon for a few hours, and then afterward I'm going to go play my cello for a band. They want me to record some parts for their album, and if I'm done with my photoshoot early enough tomorrow I'll play a gig with them!

Anyway I am going to the gym again tonight. I want to burn at least 1000 calories tonight, friday, and saturday.

Points so far
Monday: +26
Tuesday: +3
Wednesday: +6
Thursday: +5 be continued. :)

I'm never giving up

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

My Dreams

In response to "matilda's" blog(i believe) I'd like to share my future goals outside of my hellish ed mind.

I just finished cosmetology school. I am starting to assist in a salon, and once licensed I will be able to start building my clientelle. I hope to really start building trust with clients to create long term business. I am working at my office job, for the money. Its so hard to go in sometimes, but I basically don't do shit and get paid, so I need to try for 20 hours a week. Aside from those two things I just started getting into modeling. I really am trying to bust my ass back in to shape so I can do some awesome shots. I am doing a paid photoshoot all day friday!! Woot! My first paid gig. Who knows where/if modeling will take me. Maybe I'll be able to network with photographers for hair and make up.

Eventually I think I want to go back to college. Maybe within the next couple of years. I don't know if I'll get a degree, but I do want to study writing again, photography, graphic design. It would be so much fun, I'm young, no reason not to continue learning.

I want to get more involved with my Dad's humanitarian organization. I wen to the Congo in march and I for sure want to go again in August. I love helping those in need.

At the end of this year my best friend and first love comes home. This will change my life one way or the other. If we still want to try to get back into a relationship I know it will take a lot of work. If we do start dating I hope to get back into music with him. We share such a deep connection I know we'd make a great little band. He plays drums and records. He also plays guitar and has a decent voice. I just love him. I could be married within the next year and a half, or I could be single and ready to take on the world.

I want to be a mother, but I will adopt. I've decided against physically having my own children. So within 5-6 years I'll adopt my first baby. Then maybe a year or two later a second.

These are just a few of my dreams.

I will not give in

My body wants to binge and be a fatty. I will not let that happen. Today I am not eating anymore.

Thursday 100 cal liquid
Friday 100 cal veggies or fruit 200 cal liquid
Saturday 200 cal fruit/veggie/rice 300 cal liquid
Sunday 300 solid 400 liquid(maybe or just a fast)

Tonight I'm going to be working out a long time. Its much needed. I hope everyone is doing well. I'm tired and I just got to work. I need the hours so bad so I'm going to try and stay around 8 hours today. We'll see how it goes.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Week 2 of the Competition

I am going to do so much better. I feel so ashamed that I failed to help my team as much as I could have. I was finally strong on saturday and sunday, keeping under my max intake. Yesterday I went to a movie with J's parents. They then asked if we wanted to get some food. I just lied and said I wasn't very hungry. We went anyway(to a sports grill. ew I really don't like grill's. First they smell of meat, and second, they are too loud. I don't like them, people can enjoy watching tv while they eat their meat..whatever.. i just hate them) when we got there his mom kept fussing about me eating. I heard his dad say "you can't change her mind and make her hungry" J says to her "don't be like her mom and make her eat" I love him.

J did feed me a couple cranberries, and a tomato from his salad. But I stayed strong. When we got to J's apartment I decided I should probably eat something. So we went to Target and tried to find a little bottle of v8. No luck. So we went back and smoked some peace. This is where I get weak. But my stomach was growling so loud, and as sweet as he could be he talked me into letting him buy me some cereal and soy milk so we coudl eat. I hate a huge bowl. But told him not to let me eat anymore. Once I came down off my high I still felt hungry so I had some veggies and then some more cereal. Still staying at about 700 calories. So even though I would have preffered not to eat...I don't like worrying my boyfriend.

Go ORANGE Team! Its a new week. Stay strong

Saturday, June 6, 2009


I filmed today for a indie zombie film. I wish I was skinny for this film, but thats why I'm seriously cracking down on myself. We were working from 5:00 in the morning and finally got home at Midnight. It was a fun experience and I didn't want to eat this much, but because we were out in the heat, and then running around I had to make sure I was staying energized. After one of my last scenes where I had to run from A to B with 3 takes..I nearly passed out. Still I am doing a lot better than the rest of this week.

Breakfast: Rice cake (35)
Celery (18)
Tomato Juice (25)
Gross coffee with some caramel sweetener (30)
Lunch: Apple, Grapes (120)
Carrots (25)
Fruit Roll up(100)
Dinner: Celery Carrots Broccolli (50)
Chips (50)
Coffee with some sweetener(30)
Total somewhere aroudn 560-600 :)

Friday, June 5, 2009

I'm working on a

Seasons they change
colors in may
but the beautiful girl stays the same
fades to gray
if she could talk
what would she say?
what would she say?

where did the light go
soft skin and glowing face
eyes turn to black
drying up and sinking in

if she could talk 
what would she say?
if you could listen, what would you do?
walk away, walk away

some think its selfish
she knows what might happen
working for a perfect world
but it doesn't change a thing

she knows you would listen
what would she say
what would you do?
she knows what will happen
but it doesn't change a thing

seasons they change
colors in may
but the beautiful girl stays the same
fades to gray

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Looking Healthy

Here are some tips on how to appear healthy as the weight goes down. Tanning. Outdoor or indoor, it really helps make the skin look healthy. Wear the hair down. Make up: yellow concealor to cover up dark parts, all over concealor, and then powder foundation. Add some blush or bronzer to the cheeks. Its hard not to wear clothes that are skin tight. You've worked hard for your body, why can't you eh? When I was at my lowest weights I didn't wear certain clothes that showed off my bones around the family. Everywhere else though I woud wear whatever I thought I looked good in. On the opposite side wearing too baggy of clothes might make you look even smaller.

This is so random, but seeming how I'm in the weightloss competition maybe someone will read it and it could be helpful. Plus I'm going to get my weight back down so its a good reminder. If anyone has anything to add it would be great!


Wednesday, June 3, 2009

The truth

Have you ever heard people say when you're drunk or high you are really honest? Yeah that happens. I'm surprised I haven't flat out told my boyfriend about my ED. Last night I was basically in tears when he started to kiss me. In my head I was thinking how disgusting it must be to kiss me. This was so stupid, but what started it was "looks like your make up has run a bit'. I tried to fix it, but he said to stop, it didn't matter. I was on the verge of tears when I asked him to make me look good. He was holding my arms back and not letting me wipe my make up. He was trying to get the point across that he didn't care, but holy hell. Being stoned makes me freak out.

This is a stupid blog. I'm sorry. Yesterday was a complete failure, other than me passing my test. I'll write a better post tomorrow

Cals today: 560. gross

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

State Boards

I took my practical for cosmetology/barbering today.  I woke up late, cut my finger replacing my razor, hit bad traffic, I got there 10 minutes before we started, my finger started to bleed again, I looked like a noob trying to curl the hair, totally looked like a noob during the shaving. At that point I thought I'd failed so my last and final thing, the male hair cut, I just did it as fast as I could, probably the worst haircut I've ever done. Result: PASS! 

Stay Hungry

Monday, June 1, 2009

103 16.1..cw134.4

103 That sounds like a beautiful weight, and 16.1 a beautiful BMI. I'm at 134.4 and 21. Yuck Anyway. I bought a new scale yesterday. It supposedly calculates your Body Fat % and water weight, as well as weighing my fat body. It said my body fat percent was 19. I remember when I was 13%. Okay nuff said
Last night my boyfriend weighed himself...116.6. So not fair. I told him I remember when I was 116. I'd be there again. He said "I'm not going to encourage anything, but I'm sure I'll be jumping you when you get there". He has got to be the one person who doesn't care if I go underweight. Maybe a little strange, but hey, if I'm still with him when I get back down that will be great. No griping.

I'm not going to binge. I will not binge. I will not binge. Ok. I think I'm good.

Gw by the end of this week 130-132

Why I am doing this.

Did I choose ana? Did it choose me? I think that is a debateable question. Do people one day wake up and decide to have an eating disorder? Why do I want to be thin? Becuase I think its beautiful. I feel more self worth. What force is driving me to hate my body? I didn't always. That was before, however, my body decided to change. It took me 4 long years to finally realize I had an ED. Now that I've accepted it ana has taken me on a journey. I've gotten to my lw before and I was nearly at bliss..just a few more pounds, just a few more. I've since gained, and for a while I thought maybe I'd let ana go. I don't feel like that is an option though. I hate myself for ever gaining, and even though I tried to be happy, I wasn't. So I'm working my way back down the scale. The lighter I get, the happier I am. I'm not doing this for attention(although once you do start getting people to envy you..the attention drives me on), I'm not doing this to impress people, I'm doing it because it makes me happy. It brings me to a place that gives me complete control. So when people tell me I'm wrong, unhealthy. Or when they whisper behind my back "is she ana", I ignore it. They are just jealous they don't have the will power. It is my choice and its no ones business. I will be thin, and no one can stop me(except myself).