You're not alone

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Binge free Weekend

Usually my weekends are binges
I'm happy to report I stayed in control
I had a piece of bread yesterday at noon
Then i got crunk with J
At like 3 in the morning i was almost passing out and sick(from the alc and no food)
J begged me to eat a little
So i had some dry cereal, two strawberries and some olives

I haven't eaten yet today
just finished some coffee
I might just fast the rest of the day

So I am going shopping on Friday with my parents. Last Christmas they gave each of us a weekend to do whatever we want with them. I haven't updated my wardrobe for three years. We are going to be hitting some outlets malls and I am pretty nervous. I just don't know what to shop for. I dress like a tom boy, lost of graphic t-shirts, or long sleeve under t-shirts. Plus I was hoping to weigh a lot less, so probably major restriction is in order. Any suggestion? What should I be looking for? I know I'll hate my body no matter what is on me. We'll see how it goes. I definitely want new skinny jeans.

I'm sitting next to the cuttest thing, J sleeping. He is a snuggler when he firsts wakes up. Last night when we fell asleep I told him how it hurt for me to lay on my side(becuase of my hipbones). He said he has the same problem. He said I'd get used to it. Well I have been used to it, I'm just so happy the hipbones are choosing to show and stay

I can't wait to get back to the gym. I've missed it tremendously. Bleh I just squished the fat on my sides. Patience.

66 followers!! You all rock. When/If I get to 100 I'll post a picture of myself. I'm not going to look fat either, that would be a disappointment to you all.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Good Weekend

In regards to food anyway. Today I've had a piece of bread. I feel fine too. I don't know if I'll eat anymore when I get off work. I just feel like food is a chore. I don't enjoy it. I don't crave it. If I feel like I need the energy I'll eat some. And its a waste of any money I do have. This is kind of my routine for food.

Wake up. Drink coffee.
On my way to work I stop at the store
Buy a piece of bread(or sometimes the nice man gives it to me for free)
If it isn't bread its, an apple, a protein bar
Drink coffee.
Maybe eat if J wants me to
My mom gave my sister money for dinner the other night. Its not like I'd over eaten that day. Or that I'd even consider what we ate a 'binge'. But I did have more gluten than normal, and a bit of ice cream. I, sadly to say, purged. I just didn't want it in my system. I knew I would feel like crud the next day. Purging doesn't make me beautiful. I'm working hard to stop it. I'm happy to say that I haven't binged for a long time. I've stuffed my face with carrots, making me feel full, but not sick.
Next week I'm going to be going back to the gym. My ankle was pretty swollen yesterday from standing on it all day, driving around and such. I'm just going to be doing some lifting and ab work, maybe try a bit of cardio, but I'll be careful.
I feel so weird lately. I want to be close to J, but I don't at the same time. I feel so insecure. I don't like it when he touches me too much. I know he thinks I'm cute and I know he is attracted to me, but I can't help feeling the way I do.
Anyway I'll comment on your blogs later tonight!! Stay strong!!

Friday, September 25, 2009

Shoulder Thinspo!!!!

Now is the time to be what you want
change it now
not tomorrow

Try this

I, MJ, deserve to be 120 pounds.
Water will give me healthy skin and keep me hydrated.
Water will help me get to 120 pounds
Fruit will give me an energy boost
So I can work real hard to get to 120 pounds
Veggies will give me the vitamins and minerals I need
So I can maintain some type of healthiness as I reach 120
Protein(rice, beans, and tofu), will fuel my muscles when needed
So I will be toned when I reach 120
I don't always need food.
Bingeing won't make me beautiful
Purging won't make me beautiful
I will be 120 because I deserve it
I will use the gym to help me
I deserve to be 120 pounds

So. Thats me trying to think more positive. I don't believe you can lose a lot of weight, JUST WITH YOUR MIND(i read that in a book), but I do believe attitude makes a big difference. I didn't start losing weight again until I changed my attitude. I'm not too far off 120. I'm just going to continue working toward it. My ankle will probably take another week to heal :( boo.
! Not much going on really. I've just been busy with coaching and work. I started packing :) I can't wait to get to my new apartment.
Stay strong this weekend! I'll comment on your blogst later tonight
Thanks for the support

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

MIA no more

And by that I mean.. Missing In Action

J said to me last night "I love it when you're sweet"
We almost got in a big fight sunday night.
"Let me know when you're over your PMS"
"Oh fucking hell you did not"
I think I told him to leave me alone
and he did for ten minutes
then he asked me if I was being serious
i didn't text him back
when my sister dropped me off at his apartment so I could pick up my scoot
he was there, smoking on the balcony.

he's a sneaky one, knew I'd try to avoid him
yes. i'm a bitch sometimes, and i don't know why he puts up with it.
but we're good, good, good. he is so cute
and he is going to try and put on some weight. Which I'm in full support
i'm probably so hypocritical.
maybe i'll save this story for another day.

The curses of being a girl Seriously. What do guys have to deal with other than blue balls? Girls have to deal with the monthly, tender chesters, fat(not lean muscle). Sheesh moneesh!! But I will admit that I prefer girl bodies over if I were to choose my sex, I'd be a girl. My lovely Period has begun. My new meds are definitely making them different. Like this is the third time in my life I've gotten cramps, but the second time in a row. I just wish I could do some cardio. I think I'll be going to the gym tonight for some lifting though! Keeping off my ankle as much as possible. I want it to heal. Oh and Nads it says hi back. Crazy girl. xD

I don't know if I told you all,
but I started taking piano lessons at the beginning of this month.
It has been so awesome!
I've been working on Claire de Lune(lune, not luna)
its a rather daunting piece, and i have issues playing in flat keys
I'm also working on some Bach! Its really awesome
I was going through my pieces before my lesson this morning
and after doing a pretty decent job on the bach
i smiled. i felt..proud of myself?
a strange phenomenom. That is for sure.
Did I tell you I got my cosmetology license in the mail last week?
Forgive me if I'm repeating.

This week is going to be good, becuase I need it to be a good week. I was talking to my mom last night, she was trying to cheer me up. "I know its hard to be positive sometimes" she said. I told her "I know, but seriously with everything that has happened this year. I don't TRY to be negative, but car troubles, physical injuries, one right after the other" She was trying to make me feel better, and I love her for that, but yeah. I just had nothing to say. I am trying to keep going forward with life. I want to write a book called "The worst year ever: 2009" :

Quick recap
Major accident in January
Leg injured
Gained weight until June
Broke up with J(that was stressful)
Got in a huge fight with my mom for a while
0 Money
Accident (my fault, i'm retarded)
0 Money
Accident (not my fault)
0 money
sprained ankle

lots of tears were shed in 2009

But guess what.
Life is life
And I'm going forward
Trying to not look back(its hard sometimes)

Intake so far:

Luna bar 180





p.s. I have a poem about insomnia Imaginative Writing

Monday, September 21, 2009

i love green

I'm proud of myself. I've stopped a lot of binges today. Why do I want to binge in the first place? Unknown. But here is some of my distractions:
Clean my dishes
Coach swim practice
Drink some coffee
Take a nap
Chew some gum
Clean J's dishes

What I didn't eat:
Muffin Top
Candy bar
More chocolate
Peanut Butter
Go Me.

What I did eat:
250 cals of pb and h sandwhich
50 cals apple sauce
An oatmeal cookie(but i avoided others)
Lots and lots of coffee

My ankle is healing up
I coached today, made me pretty tired to stand
but i'm off crutches
it hurts right now, but the 'healing' kind of hurt

My period is MIA. The longest I went between periods was 6 weeks..back in february; at that point I had to protein overload my body to try and get it started. Since I gained, my periods were as short as 3 and a half weeks. When I started losing weight again they started getting farther apart. Its been 4 weeks and two days. I've had definite PMS, but no M. AND I've been craving meat the past week?!? WTF. I dunno. Its been a year since i've had chicken, pork or beef. Almost a year since I've had any meat.

Have a lovely night! 61 followers!?! You're the best. Chin up everyone.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

no thanks

PBandH sandwich 300
Coffee and some brownie(which I threw up after driving to my parents)

I went to my parents, dreading it. The car ride here made me sick though. I got to the house and had to hobble into the bathroom. When I came out my Mom asked if I wanted food. "No. I just threw up" So she gave me some water.

Usually when I go to my parents I binge and sometimes purge. I've had water. I don't feel like eating food. This is the first time my mom hasn't bugged me "eat. eat. eat." It wasn't hard to just ignore the food. My appetite disappeared after i threw up.

I was feeling restless so I took off on a 4 wheeler and smoked a laced cigarette(i've been smoking the M a lot this weekend and, but it helped calm me down!

Good news! I can kind of walk on my foot!
So if I just keep taking it easy I think it will continue to heal quite nicely.
I'm sore from using crutches ha ha! Its a plus.

This week I start coaching
I'll be really busy with that
I'm also signing the contract for my new apt!
I've got to get packing :)

GW 122 by next friday

Love you all

Saturday, September 19, 2009


I'm feeling quite better today.
The swelling has gone down quite a bit.
I can put a little pressure on the heel, but I'm using crutches
:) at least my arms could get some work out
I'm not going to weigh myself until next saturday.
I will be down 5 pounds
Have a lovely weekend!!
Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame
Be my friend Hold me,
wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe
Be my friend Hold me,
wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Friday, September 18, 2009

i think its BS

My plan today was going to be good. Wake up in the morning. Get some coffee with J. Go to work for a few hours. Come back and have a fun friday.

Well things change
In less than 10 seconds
I was kick starting my scooter
One kick, Two Kick, Three Kick..Four Bam!
What just happened? Ow My ankle. I'm okay. Nope. Not okay
I was crying when J came back out. My ankle instantly started swelling.
I couldn't walk into the house
J had to carry me

Good thing is that I don't think it broke. But a very bad sprain. I've been icing it. The pain eventually subsided after some IB800. Greens. and Spiked coffee.

I've eaten 600 calories. Right now I feel kind of sick. I don't want to eat anymore today. I don't know how long it will be until I can do cardio. I'm so depressed at the moment because the gym really gives me release.

I believe in God
I don't blame God for things like this
or car wrecks
But sometimes... I just wonder
is this punishment?
am I being tested to see how much I can deal with?
because i'm wearing thin
(figuratively speaking. i am a fat lard)

I want to step it up. I want to just be back down to 120. I will be. I just don't
want to resort to fasting, but sometimes it feels so good. I have a family dinner
sunday. Will i eat? Will I fast the rest of today and tomorrow.

Sorry this post is a downer. I need some uplifting. I'm going to go try and sleep
for a big

For Ana's Girl THINSPO

Because you are always an amazing support to everyone: hope you like these