You're not alone

Friday, July 31, 2009

At the parents

I don't like being here.   Counting down the hours until I go home.  4 more hours.  I am supposed to hang out with J tonight, but I don't know if I want to.  I have been sick and unable to workout, and today I feel like i could do a light workout.  sadly enough i'd rather do that over hanging out with j

I hope everyone is doing well.  stay strong this weekend

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Starving is not pain, it's the cure

I'm currently dealing with some illness. I'm not sure what it is. Possibly stomach flu is what I'm guessing. I can't get stuff to help me get better until I get paid tomorrow. So for now I'm just roughing it at work. I started a juice fast yesterday, but becuase I started feeling super sick I thought to try and eat some cooked veggies. Well it didn't settle in my stomach. The best thing I can do for myself is just get through today..hope for the best tomorrow :). Bummer thing is that I can't go to the gym and I really want to do some cardio :( Maybe if I feel up to it I'll go for a stroll around the block

THINSPO FOR YOU ALL themed around hip bones

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Happy Tuesday

I don't know myself anymore

Today: 0 cals thus far.  I'm starting a lemonade cleanse.  I got really sick over the weekend.  I've turned into the biggest pot head :(  I don't recommend it.  So hopefully with this cleanse I'll be able to quit smoking both cigarettes and pot.  

I need to get my life back on track.  Being stoned 24/7 is really non productive and makes me depressed. At least I've still got my control with food:)  

Friday, July 24, 2009

thinspo and stuff

to my best friend, P: I feel really lost right now. I wish you were here. i'm scared for you to be back in December. I'm not the same girl you used to know. All I can think about is how I wish I could go back to her. But I'm lost. Alone. I don't even know if you'll be my friend when you get back. I hope. I pray. Becuase I need someone to hold me, to talk to me; tell me it will somehow all work out or make sense in the end..

Enjoy some thinspo everyone!

muscles holy shit!

i love skinny bodies!


Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Dancing Thinspo

down again :)

I weighed myself this morning and i'm down .6 a pound :). I'm very happy. Yesterday I stayed strong, went to the gym twice. I'm sore, but yeah I don't stretch.

Tomorrow will be my fast I decided. I'm not sure if today will be 300 or 100. I've eaten a single strawberry so I guess we'll see how I feel later. I'm tired today, that makes me 1) weak, susceptable to eating more than I want 2) hesitant to workout. So I think maybe my compromise will be 100 cal today, yoga tonight. If I think I am going to eat I'll go to sleep.

Yesterday J said "we haven't really talked much about whats going on between us". I guess we came to an agreement to be "together". I told him I still needed to take things slow. I just don't know how to feel about the whole situation. Something I realized when I hang out with him is that I get very..lazy. We stay up late, wake up late, go to work late. I don't really like to be that way. It makes me to tired to focus on anything. So my resovle is that I won't let it happen. We stayed up until 2 in the morning last night. I tried to get up at 8 but fell asleep until 9, but then left shortly there after. I don't want to get into our old cycle, because thats partly why I couldn't lose.

Anyway. Hope everyone stays strong with their goals. I'm going to put up some thinspo now

stay hungry

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

What is driving me?

I have been cotemplating as to why I finally got my control back. 4 long months of fighting myself..and then snap. Here it is. Yes I still struggle with the control, but not at all in comparison to the hell I felt just a few months ago.

So I feel somewhat proud of myself. I'm losing almost daily and I couldn't be happier! I do have to keep telling myself "What goes off, can easily come back on". So I keep having to raise the bar on myself, push myself harder. I think a big reason as to why I have my control is that I'm being more positive. I'm not focusing on failure.

Today was going to be 300 cals. I've had about 150-200. J wants to go get an iced mocha with me, so to be on the safe side I'll change my intake for today to 400 and my intake for the rest of the week goes as follows:

Wednesday: 100
Thursday: 300 or Fast
Friday: 300 or Fast
Saturday: 150
Sunday: 200

To raise the bar on myself this week I want to workout everyday. No skipping. I won't push myself like I once could, I have to build myself up to that. If I push myself to hard I am usually to tired for the rest of the week. Lame excuse I know.

4 lbs until my first GW!!! :)

Monday, July 20, 2009

Day 6

Week plan: 200

Current Weight: 125.8!

Today: Chai latte 70 cal
diet Soda with flavor shots... 30?

Yesterday was a little mess up, but not a complete failure. I ate more than 100 cals as I planned, but I just switched it around a bit. I'm very determined to not lose control. I think its been easier to have my control now that I'm starting to get my weight back down. I think about eating one thing and in the end I know it won't really satisfy anything. So I'm stronger.

Saturday was so stupid. I hadn't really eaten all day and I went to hang out with my brother and his girlfriend. We were going to drink a little so I told myself only one and a half glasses of wine at most, which I did. I also allowed myself an apple and some butterfree popcorn. But what was really annoying was my brother(and mostly his girlfriend) offerring me food over and over and over again. I wanted to be very serious and say "Ok look. I said no. So stop asking becuase the more you ask the less I'm going to want to even be around you." But I stayed strong.

Yesterday I ate around 500 cal. I think what triggered it was the alcohol from the night before, and finally being sober from the peace(i think I was stoned from friday night until sunday evening). I did go on a walk though! 2-3 miles. It felt good to be moving. I was so happy to get on the scale today! 125.8. Its been a while.

Stay strong everyone. You have the control.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Good afternoon

Staying strong as far as the ABC goes 

400 today:
Its almost 2pm.  So far:

hershey kiss(20-40)
swig of OJ  20

I hung out with J last night.  Smoked a lot and stayed up watching batman.  But  I woke up this morning completely on fire, weak, wanting to throw up.  It was probably because I needed some sugar, food, whatever.  So I had a small bit of orange juice and then we fell back asleep until now.  So I had a hershey kiss, still feeling weak, but thats all I needed.  I'm drinking some cold water now and I'm feeling great.  

I need to make it a new goal to stretch everyday!  I'm the worst.  I had a good leg/cardio workout last night, but I didn't stretch.  So now I'm all stiff.

Stay strong this weekend everyone!

Friday, July 17, 2009

Some thinspo for the weekend push

I know weekends can be hard. Parties, family time, and what not. So I hope everyone can stay strong!
You know the phrase "when it rains, it pours". Its pouring for me. Mostly yesterday. I don't really want to go into detail but i made a fool of myself the whole time I hung out with J. I was just really depressed around him due to events that happened yesterday. But we were hanging out and he started playing video games. So I left. And somewhat scared to ask..i sent him a text saying "was I so boring that you'd rather play games the rest of the night". bleh. I hate drama. The only thing good that happened yesterday was my control. I stayed in control! Even after my dad picked me up and was driving me home, he asked if I was hungry. Truthfully I was famished, but i just told him I wanted water.
Today 300 cal.
So far: Rice cake 35 cal
V8 50 cal
I'm without my car for a few days or weeks so I might not be able to play with my band tonight. I have my scooter(which I prefer to drive anyway, but you can't carry an amp and cello on that ha ha). I'm not to worried about this weekend though. I'll def stay in control.

Thursday, July 16, 2009


I had an awesome work out last night.  30 minutes of lifting, an hour of cardio.  Burned at least 500 on cardio alone.

Today has been a little bit of struggle with control, as it usually goes getting back with restricting.  But if I can make it through the middle of the day(lots and lots of water) then I usually get past the temptation of eating at night.  Gotta love cold water.  I have band practice in a few hours and after that I hope to go to the gym.  I haven't decided what I'll do.  I know there is a Yoga class tonight so maybe i'll do some cardio and then go the class after.

Toast w/ jam( but i didn't eat the bread): 30 cals
Rice cake: 50 cals
Coffee with a small amount of soy milk: 20 cals
Small piece of banana bread: 30 cals
that puts me at...130..rounding to 150 cals.   Maybe i'll round up to  200 because i might be missing something. I don't think i'll eat much more today.  Maybe an apple, or another rice cake.  

Life:  Well yesterday I went to go visit J while he was working.  We sat outside and talked about nothing.  Then he said "Do you have any idea whats going on with us?" My response was "no".  So yeah i still don't know whats going on, or what I want.  My bestfriend gets home in 4 and a half months...he also wants to date me.  Ha ha.  Man.  I swear if I don't end up with one of the two I'm never going to fall in love again.

Stay hungry ladies!

Wednesday, July 15, 2009


I'm seriously considering the ABC diet. If I started tomorrow I would have a plan until september 3rd. Thats not really far away. I really want to be close to 110 by then. My UGW is 103..if I don't start looking too skinny. Thats something I can't let happen. So many people already think I have a problem, and once I do start losing the weight it gets harder to make up excuses. I just get angry when people bring it up. So for now I'm going to say 110 by september/october. Its perfect timing to be getting thin, cold weather, lots of layers. My best friend gets home in december and I want to look good for him, but I can't look too thin. He's always known me at my weight of 137 ish(gross).

So the rest of this weeks plan is as follows:

Thursday: 500 cals or less
Friday:300 or less
Saturday: 400 or less
Sunday: 100

I plan to use OR LESS often. I'm just getting back into the swing of restricting. I don't want to over do it and freak out and binge. But that plan is totally doable. I remember when I was fasting every other day. I'll get there again. I hope we all stay strong! Its humpday!! The rest of the week is almost done ha ha.

I have about an hour left of work. Then I'm going to go clean, workout, or workout and clean. I need to burn at least 500 calories, easy feat. But I have been tired lately. I can't wait to go though!! I can't wait to be 120 again! Its been way way WAY too long

Tuesday, July 14, 2009


I drove over to J's last night. Shaking inside. We said hello's and then had a long hug. We didn't say much. We told each other how our previous week had been. We smoked some peace and he held me. I then got a call from my agent informing me that if I was invited for this interview I would be sent an email. I'd recalled getting a random text about some dinner. I'd just smoked and I was scared to drive non-sober to the location. I made it there and saw a bunch of other models. Scantily clad. When models get together all wanting the same job, I've noticed they can be the biggest bitches. But right away I found out how bad of an idea it was for me to be there. No one seemed to be in charge, they were serving alcohol to minors. I got in touch with my agent and he was PIsssed. He had warned the client not to have any crap like that. I left right away. Annoyed that I wasted so much time. Bleh.

I then went back to J's and we smoked some more peace. Kissed for the first time again. I didn't mean to stay over, but we woke up around 10 this morning. Both of us are a little timid. I told him I would need time and we would need to take things slow.

Weight 127.8. I need to get the gym tonight, and if not def. tomorrow morning

stay thin

Monday, July 13, 2009

Oh Geeze. I'm sorry ladies :p

I've been reading too many books the past little bit. I sort of turned my last post into a mini novel :s. I'm doing SOOO much better. I stepped on the scale today. 127.4?!?!?!? I know its true because i weighed myself over and over and over again. Ha ha. I won't feel like i'm safe until I get under 125. 127 is too close to 130.

J left yesterday to come home, but last night he texted me saying he wasn't going to make it the rest of the way home due to rain. I called him and found out he had fallen asleep on his motorbike on the freeway! I was so pissed/scared/happy/shocked. I wanted to kick him. We had a long conversation last night about 'us'. I don't know what will happen but I do know things will take time.

So what say you to staying hungry today? Isn't it a great feeling? To me its knowing that I'm on the right track.

Thanks everyone for being here for me


Sunday, July 12, 2009

I've missed you all!

So I left wednesday night to go camping by myself.  It was indeed what I needed to pull  myself back together.  I had a fun time setting up my tent in the dark, but I was excited to finally be alone.  Thursday morning I woke up and went for an hour and a half run.  I returned to my camp and waited for the sun to heat up.  I spent most of the day by the water.  I swam a few times, drying off and reading inbetween.  I applied sunscreen continuoulsy but managed to forget random places on my body.  It took me forever to get a fire started that night.  In defeat and frustration I thought "fuck it" and kicked the wood together.  Then i noticed the fire started to go! Ha Ha.  I played my guitar until I ran out of wood and went to bed.  I slept soundly.

  So to avoid further burning I decided against going swimming on friday and instead drove to a touristy town near my camp and saw a movie, bought more wood, determined to make a better fire than the night before.  I went on a shorter run before I decided to make my fire.  I started to get a head ache.   I had bought an apple and decided to bake it in the hot wood.  After eating it and drinking some coffee I got a major head ache.  I realized I hadn't had enough water that day, but soon after the migraine my stomach started hurting.  I tried to fall asleep, but drunken neighbors kept me awake.  I went to the bathrooms and made myself throw up(I knew it was going to come up eventually).  I still felt so ill so I asked my ex if he would call me. I just was worried not knowing what to do.  I knew he couldn't do anything to help but it was distracting of my sickness.  We got off the phone and I leaned out my tent and threw up again.  This time tasting bile.  They locked the gates at 10:00 but I still tried to drive out, I planned to go to my parents.  But to no avail.  When I got back to my camp I laid my car seat back and held my stomach.  It was much quieter in my car.  I wanted to kill my neighbors.  I brought my sleeping bag into my car and finally fell asleep.

Yesterday I was planning on packing up camp and swimming for a few hours, but it was windy and cloudy.  So I drove to my parents and dropped off the camping supplies.  Anxious to get home and get ready for the show I'd be playing.  I was scared to weigh myself.  I had found food to eat here and there the past couple days but I was still anxious.  I was 133-134 when I left.  After taking a shower I stepped on the scale.  129.4.  Satisfied that I was under 130 again I decided I should eat something a little nutritional.  It resulted in a binge and followed with a purge.  Very disappointed in myself I wanted to cry.  Crying would do nothing.  I found my skinny jeans that I bought a few months back.  "I should have already been able to fit in these by now.  If I only would control myself"  I struggled with the first pair and threw them at the wall.  The other pair I could get on, and am currently wearing :).  I am going to continue with new vigor.  

My lifestyle is a sacrifice.  Its not easy to have the will power to deny yourself of what your body "needs".  I've done it before though, and so many of you girls are so strong.  I feel worthless.  Self absorbed with my own failure.  No more.  I'm staying strong.  For me, for you, for anyone.  I don't want to be a failure.  I am getting back to a happier weight.  I am going to continue losing.  Stay strong ladies.   I know we all go through hard times, we all live different lifestyles.  But truly I understand how most of you feel.  We are all striving for the same thing, prefection, thiness, beauty, being a size 0, whatever you want to claim.  I know I feel so alone at times.  I feel bad that I've secluded myself from my friends, faimly, and lovers.  But its just part of the sacrifice.  I can't give up my control, not even to myself.  I'm happier this way.  


Wednesday, July 8, 2009

I need a break

Monday was the break up. Monday night. Tuesday day. Tears non stop. Last night my ..ex.. got to oregon(I was supposed to go on the trip with him). He sent me a text "Excuse me if I'm out of line for saying this, but I let you go too easy. I usually never give up on things like that. Its filling me up with a lot of regret" I told him that yesterday morning I wanted to hug him, but I could barely look at him because I'd start crying again. "I wanted to kiss you. I don't have a clear memory of our last kiss. I wanted to ask you to come with me anyway. I probably would have cried the whole time with you holding on to me(we were going to take is bike)" And he forgot his phone charger so we have been sending each other random texts. He said he might call me tonight on his friends phone. I really am so confused. I love him. I feel disfunctional. He told me he wishes I were with him. I looked at buying a flight. No money. Bleh.

So I'm going to go camping by myself for two days. It will be by my parents house, on the beach. But I told my mom I want to be alone. I'm not going to eat anything either. I get off work in about an hour and I'm going to go buy a few different kinds of coffee, a coffee press, some sunscreen. After that I'm going to go do my sisters hair, go for a run with her. She told me I can stay for dinner(i'm not eating) and at first I was riffling through excuses, but now I have one. I'm going to leave tonight. Hopefully I can get into the camping site, if not I'll just stay in a cabin at my parents until the morning.

I'm sick of complaining. I am so selfish. I complain about my horendus body and how much I hate it. For that I apologize. I'm doing a lot better with control as opposed to a few months ago. But I have to do even BETTER. I have to step it up. If I really want to be perfect, and thin. So I am not going to eat this weekend. I'm not going to look like a fat mess when my ex comes back on sunday. I'm not going to complain about my fatness. I'm going to get rid of it.

While I'm camping I'm going to also go running and swimming. I don't care if anyone sees my ugly body. I don't know them. I'm going to read books. listen to music. Drink water, coffee, cry, sleep. I don't care. Anything to get away from people. Anything to lose a few pounds. I really need this. I need some R&R of solitude. Hopefully it will prepare me for when J gets back on sunday. I've no idea whats going to happen. I do know that I'll be a few pounds lighter. I won't be posting until saturday. I love you all. Thanks for your support. Stay strong!!!