You're not alone

Wednesday, April 17, 2013


-this is me

I had a pretty good therapy session today. I thought it was going to be a lot harder than it was. I want to tell you all what he explained to me, and then I will continue to ramble. BUT READ THE FOLLOWING PARAGRAPH!

He compared to adolescent males. The first one is exposed to pornography in some way. At first this behavior is just a way to relieve tension. And then, something emotional in his life happens. Let's say he..breaks up with his girlfriend or something, instead of talking about it, he turns to pornography to control his emotions. He is never able to talk about his feelings, overtime pornography becomes an addiction in dealing with his emotions. Maybe overtime he also feels guilty or ashamed of his addiction, he can't talk about it, so it's an endless cycle. He called this Mal-adaptive.
Now, boy number 2 looks at porn, decides he doesn't want to go down the path, and talks to someone about it. His girlfriend breaks up with him, he talks to someone about it. He feels stressed at school, talks about it. He is able to adapt to his emotions by talking to others.
But the other boy never learned how to do that.

It is very comparable to my Eating Disorder. Although the actual food restriction didn't really start until I was 18, I definitely think I internalized my emotions at a young age. I love my mother very much, but she was sometimes very critical toward me (but as I have grown up I realize this is how she is with everyone). So rather than acting out in rebellious ways, I internalized everything. Rather than tell her how I felt about my father being gone, I internalized. I never learned how to vocalize my feelings. I started cutting when I was 16. I had low self esteem and self worth at a young age.

I guess it was really good to have him explain that to me in front of my husband. It made me feel like, hey I am not so screwed up after all. There is nothing 'wrong' with my brain. I just am tightly bonded to a Mal-adaptive behavior
Last time we met, our therapist asked us to think about what direction we wanted to go in, because he might be leaving the office we go to. P and I originally went in to get marriage counseling. Last summer we were pretty rocky. Most of it attributes to losing our baby.

Anyway, we have hit the one year mark of losing her, and I survived that pretty well. Our last few sessions have always seemed to land on my Eating Disorder. This topic became more prevalent after my family found this blog and my Instagram account. But just as I sometimes express myself pretty harshly on here, I sometimes do in therapy when I am on my own. I am able to speak my mind. So we have decided that I will go every other week for now.
I told my therapist I did not want to find a new person, I didn't know if finding someone who specialized in ED would be better(he is a sex therapist more or less). But he said, they find most therapy is successful because of the relationship and trust you build with your therapist. So I am pleased.

Unfortunately I am struggling. I have lost almost 10 pounds the last 4-6 weeks. Some of it is normal, some is because of restriction.

How the hell

How in the hell am I supposed to connect with anyone these days? My younger sister has started using Herba Life supplements and shakes. Every other fucking day is a post of how she has lost weight, progress pics, blah blah blah. She has gotten my other two sisters to join her. I am not raining on their wellness parade. (Well maybe I am a little). It's just like, agghhhghhhhhhhh Shut up. Please.

She invite me to her "shake" party.
Me: sorry that stuff is way to triggering for my eating disorder.

Two weeks later my other sister invites me.

I gave the same response.

I just am so triggered. I am already teetering on relapse mode. When I see the obsession and constant focus from them, it makes me want to puke. It also makes me think
why am I not trying to lose weight? I should be trying to lose weight. I should be only eating once a day and drinking shakes like they do

You get bet that I get the worst anxiety just thinking of what we would talk about if we got together " weight loss. Weight loss weight loss weight loss."

I love them. But I can't be around them right now. I just can't. I am happy they are achieving what they want. I truly am.

But I have to set boundaries. And I wish I didn't

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