Wishing Today was Tomorrow :)

How can you not love agy? freak. I love love love love love her


Firstly: Comments for some blogs that I can't post on:

Ana's girl: I started to smoke when I got down to a low weight. In my mind it was to kill my appetite. It worked for a little bit. But also made it hard for me to exercise. My energy levels also decreased quite a bit. If you have an addictive personality..just be careful k? Smoking really is bad for you, and my guess is you are trying to use it for weightloss? It doesn't cure your self control, you have to find it yourself. I just want you to be healthy :) I'm proud to say I've quit for good! I feel so much better.

Lyndee. I love you girl. I don't know if you'll still read my blog. Stay strong with what your current goals are. Don't forget I'm here for ya!

Thinspo For tomorrow will be....Dance!! I've already started lookin up pics. I hope all likey

I'm not sleeping very well and I'm definitely not cute. I didn't go to bed last night because I was texting some pretty racy things with J while he was at work. I knew that the following was going to happen when I picked him up and drove him to his house:

J and I kind of made out this morning. big time. it was kind of a final goodbye, ending that physical relationship. You know how break ups feel, and those emotions you carry. I thought I would feel guilty a little, but I don't. P isn't my boyfriend. I am no one's girl. And from this point forward J and I will be friends only.

BUT speaking of P :). We are going on our first official date since he's been back :)

He is so sweet.

Today I sent him a text about how I was having a minor anxiety attack(more like caffeine overload mixed with adderol because I really haven't gone to bed. i took an hour nap with J this morning)

He called me up shortly after.

"Ms. Mindy, how can I spoil you?"

I told him about a dream I had a few nights ago.

We had our 3rd first kiss(1st kiss, broke up for 2 months, 2nd first kiss, left for two years...now i'm just hoping for a third first kiss....hehe)

It felt so real, and breath taking

I am really realizing how much I do care and love him.

I know you all might think i'm a whore. J was a wonderful boyfriend, and I still have feelings for him(obviously, holy moly was that a heated make out session). But in the long run I know that we don't want the same things. So there is no point in getting deeply attached, living part of our lives together and discovering what we knew wouldn't work all along.

So yup i'll post dance thinspo tomorrow. I'll let you know how our date goes thursday. Thanks for your support and comments. Stay strong. Never give up on yourself, and never forget you are worth more than the stars, you just have to try and convince yourself of that!!!

also: I'll be taking those pics down soon. probably not the legs one. but yup yup

yay nay

this is a headshot I took yesterday for my agency so they could have a current look

My nephew took the photo as I was getting P his favorite spicy chicken

I will be fixing up his bushman brows, i don't like this pic of me

below: My legs!!! I'm slowly getting there.

I'm floating above and beyond what I ever knew i was capable of, and it scares me.

Yesterday was crazy!! I waited all day to get ready to drive up to the airport to pick up my best friend. I don't know if any of you know about/ are mormon. But P has been serving a mission in africa for two years. Anyway i'm trying to calm my nerves 4 hours until his arrival. I receive a call on my phone. It was P's dad, or so i thought. It took me 30 seconds to realize I was takling to P! Nerves, butterflies, naseua. The works. His flight was delayed a couple hours. You are probably confused as to who P is...let me go find his story..crap I can't find that post. Long story short. We dated a year and a half before he left, he is my bestfriend, i stopped going to church for a long time, so we're going to have to talk about lots of things.

In my religion when boys serve missions they have many many rules. One is no hugging opposite sex(non family). Yes I know this will be so foreign for most of you, but I've known this even before he left. So last night when he came out of the terminal everyone was all hugs, when he approached me I received a hand shake. Because his flight was delayed he couldn't be released. i didn't sleep really. but i just got off the phone with him and I'll be going over around 7..thats 7 hours. UGH I really missed him.

I had a doctors appointment this morning. I've been wanting to get on adderol forever..and it finally happened!!! It really does help me focus and I've been taking it the past two weeks from a friend. I love it. I may have gone overboard a couple times, resulting with absolutely no sleep. Now that I know I can be more responsible. My favorite part is the appetite suppresant. I haven't eaten since that burrito on tuesdsay. I had a coffee yesterday morning, and am about to go get a coffee with J. I know I should eat. I don't want to lose too fast. Especially since I've lost 4 pounds in 3-4 days. I weighed myself this morning. 117.2

Don't get me wrong I'm totally estatic! But since i've gotten back down to this smaller size again people have been throwing comment around again. I just have to be careful. When will I eat? Thats yet to be determined.

Its almost the weekend!! Stay strong!! I'm going try and post on if my computer will let me.

staying Focused

The pictures above were me around my lowest weight. I loved my arms back then. It frustrates the hell out of me because my arms take FOREVER to slim down/tone up. Ah well. All in due time. These pictures keep me motivated. I know I've been there once. I can get there again.

And I'm on my way there already

So yesterday I went to the gym as I said I would.

I did 30 minutes of weights

Triceps, biceps

lower back, obliques

circuit, no stopping

I still can't do cardio because of my ankle

but I'm going to keep going to the gym/ doing stuff at home

J and I had a really bonding night last night. I made us some veggie tofu stirfry, i ate about 3 bites before feeling full(which blew my mind) We almost made love, but I was too scared. I'm not ready, I know it. I felt sick to the stomach. My throat was all gross. I went to the bathroom and purged a little to get the gunk out. Then we were outside and I said I'm a horrible girlfriend.

"Whats worse than being a horrible girlfriend, which you aren't, is you putting yourself down"

"I want to throw up"

"Want or need?"

"Want. I feel so gross, my stomach hurts"

"Will you eat after?"

"No I don't want more food"

"Then I'm not going to let you"

"It hurts"I started rocking back and forth.

"Well do what you gotta do. Doesn't make me happy, but if it makes you feel better I'm not going to stop you"

I walked into the bathroom, turned on the sink and spit up more gunk, a little bit of the 3 bites of stir fry. I did feel better. Then we watched some episodes of the show "Its always sunny in Philadelphia(so funny)" He knew I was upset and he wasn't going to let me hide my head this time.

"Why would you say you are a bad girlfriend?"

"I feel like I disapoint you"

"How? With sex"

Shake my head yes. He forces me to face him, lifts my chin up.

"You are worrying about it too much. I think you have formed what you believe to be my expectations for us. Sweety, I don't need to have sex with you to know I love you. If you want to tone things back okay, if you want to go further, okay. I don't want you to do anything you don't want to do"

I wanted to cry.

"What else?"

"I'm sorry I put myself down"

"I am sorry that you don't see yourself as I see you. You are beautiful, gorgeous. I can see and feel your hipbones, and your rib cage. and well, your breasts are nice as always"

"I just feel so insecure next to you."

"you're beautiful"

"i'm sorry i threw up here"

"? as opposed to throwing up at your house? I just don't want you to keep it up. I just worry because you said you were throwing up a lot last week. Just be careful baby."

"I won't keep it up. I've been doing a lot better"

He. Is. Wow. The most understanding person in the whole world.

Today I'll be fasting again. Although veggie/tofu stir fry is a pretty low cal dinner. I mean for real. When I do decide to eat again and not feel like throwing it up, I'll probably eat that.

I won't know my weight until friday but I def look thinner. My stomach is flatter.

I feel pretty sick though. My throat is all gunked up. Bleh. I'll take some get well pills. Unfortunately I must go for now. I love you all. Thanks for being a support. 27 more followers and i'll post an updated photo of me

and by then I'll be under 120

thinspo and stuff

to my best friend, P: I feel really lost right now. I wish you were here. i'm scared for you to be back in December. I'm not the same girl you used to know. All I can think about is how I wish I could go back to her. But I'm lost. Alone. I don't even know if you'll be my friend when you get back. I hope. I pray. Becuase I need someone to hold me, to talk to me; tell me it will somehow all work out or make sense in the end..



Enjoy some thinspo everyone!


muscles holy shit!

i love skinny bodies!

<3<3<3>

Why are you going emo on me?

Yesterday was frustrating.  I woke up next to J to hear him tell me with a sigh "You have a beautiful body".  I felt beautiful all day.  It was just long.  By the end of the night I was so tired.  We were having a good time and then something in my brain switched and I just shied away from J and curled up in a ball.  He went to the bathroom to get ready for bed and I stayed there.  Motionless.  He climbed in bed, I got under the covers, back to him.  I couldn't move.  I couldn't talk.  "Why are you doing this?  Why are you going all emo on me?(bad thing to say to me.  I hate when people call me 'emo'.  its just a rude connotation toward any human)  You shy away from me and don't talk to me for a half hour, what am I supposed to say?  What am I supposed to do.  Can you try and understand how frustrating this is?  You do it so often.  I don't know what to do anymore"  My response was "It doesn't have anything to do with you, its me"  

That was the basically it the rest of the night.  What was going through my head?  Him seeing my body.  Him seeing my imperfect body.  How could he enjoy that?  How?  I don't even feel like I can please him anymore.  I'm useless.