You're not alone

Friday, March 27, 2009

Hip Bones

I don't know how I ever lived without seeing them! I have gained some weight to recover from a car accident, and I'm glad that I haven't gained enough that they disappeared.  Yet I remember when they showed most wonderfully.  I will get that back.  For now I am content that I can still see them.  I have this weird thing when falling asleep I hold my hip bone.  Its just a habit I started a long time ago, even before I started losing all my weight.  So can you imagine how I feel when I don't really have to feel for them, they are just there.  I like it when the boy holds them too.   Goal: get weight down so they are showing even more.   The boy will like that too. Woot woo!

Monday, March 23, 2009


My heart is hurting.  I thought I gave my heart to one person 3 years ago.  In fact up until about a month ago I was still very much his.  This new boy has made me realize that your heart truly can love more than you think.  I don't know if I 'love' this new boy.  We just barely started spending time together.  He makes me happy, he helped me get out of my zombie self destructive mind.   Isn't that more important?  Being happy?  Being yourself?  Well duh.  Self destruction is a horrible life.  Cutting is only one part of my self destruction.  My ed is a whole other chapter.  I feel so ugly right now, but the new boy must like me anyway so that helps a little. It motivates me to try hard.  What I'm afraid of is the months ahead.  I know i'll be torn between two different people.

Shit.  What was I thinking?  

Friday, March 20, 2009

keep breathing

Keep Breathing

The storm is coming but i don't mind. People are dying, i close my blinds.
All that i know is i'm breathing now.

I want to change the world...instead i sleep. I want to believe in more than you and me.

But all that i know is i'm breathing.
All i can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

Ingrid Michaelson

I don't really understand my feelings. Last night I told the boy about my bestfriend(who I dated for a long time). I was so nervous.. I puked. I cried. I was a wreck. But..he stayed. He still wants to try and date. I can't believe it. I'm very happy. Very at peace. I just ate way too much food but hopefully I'l be able to move on and up. I've been doing strong. I want to be 103, and with patience it will happen.


Nothing replaces it. For a while I was drinking so much diet coke. I feel so much better now that I have stopped. Right now I'm craving a cool glass of water.

Monday, March 16, 2009


I fasted from friday night until today(monday) afternoon.  It was much needed.  I am starting to feel so much better with myself.  I would have kept fasting but I am going to go workout today with my trainer.  Things are going well with the boy.  He offered to make me Vegan Lasagna!  He is so sweet.  He isn't a vegan, but he is willing to try my kind of food.  He is also great motivation for me to stay strong.  Thats all for now

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Control whilst drinking

Last night I had soo much fun.  I ended up going to a party where I knew I'd be smoking and drinking.  It was almost like a test for me.  After smoking I'd tell myself that gum, chapstick and water could cure the dry mouth.  I didn't want to throw up in front of the boy from over drinking, so that was easy to keep in control.   I tell you what though, it is nice to drink on an empty stomach.  If I want alcohol to affect me I'd rather have to drink less of it and avoid the calories.

I've almost gone 24 hours without food.  Lots of liquids and water though.  I'm feeling more in control.  I need to keep this up.  I can't lose control because thats where I get depressed.  I hate myself, I want to hide from the world.  I think that everyone is looking at my flaws.  So its better this way.  I don't mind it.  In some sick way I need it.  I'm messed up no?

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Last night was horrible.  I probably ate close to 2000 calories and I was so upset.  One of the reasons I ate more than I planned was because I got upset about something.  I WILL NOT BECOME AN EMOTIONAL EATER.  I've never been that way and I will never let myself start getting that way. I don't like the idea of taking comfort in food.  I have so many issues with food, aside from my ed, that if anything, when emotional, I lose my appetite.  I don't eat meat.  I can't eat dairy or wheat.  I'm not complaining either!  I love eating natural raw food!  I feel way better when I cut out all the processed junk.  
Today I feel a lot better.  The sun is out and that helps my mood.  I need to get the the gym, but I've been so tired I'm afraid of getting sick and then being out from the gym for even longer, so for now I just need to watch what i'm eating.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Cigarettes and Wine

Boy came over yesterday so I could make him some fresh cookies.  Which, according to him, were amazing.  I myself do not really enjoy eating cookies, but I'm always happy to make them for someone.  I invited him to watch a movie and we eventually ended up snuggling.  He is so slim I love it, it motivates me to get in shape.  After he left I was getting ready to go to bed when he says "you should look on your porch".  At first I thought there might be a bunch of fliers or something because I never use my front door.  So I was skeptical.  I asked him if I was going to be attacked by something, after all it was really late.  I went to go look out side and when I open the door I hear a glass bottle fall over.  I looked down and see a rose, cigarettes, wine, and a note.  I was so shocked!  I really wasn't expecting anything.  We had talked about how much I loved drinking wine and smoking in the rain.  I couldn't stop smiling.  I am looking at the flower, in a ghetto plastic quart jar, and thinking..what boy does such sweet things?
I decided it was really good he started talking to me more, because its helping me snap out of my weird funk.  For the past month I've basically let myself.  I look like i just got out of bed half the time.  When the boy first started coming in my office I was always thinking "no not today I look so ugly".  Now I want to look good, not just for him, but for everyone.  I am very happy right now.  I hope it rains soon so I can enjoy my lovely surprises with a lovely boy.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Oh boy

Saturday night I didn't want to spend time alone.  I cut myself, just enough to feel, to try and get rid of the pain.  After that I went to the gym, went tanning, and shopping.  I was just trying to avoid being home alone.  I decided to venture to a siblings place planning on having some fun.  It was a non stop trip basically.  I feel a lot better that I did decide to not be alone.  I cleaned all day and fasted 18 hours!  Something else that really helped...

The boy asked me to hang out tonight, which we did..for many hours.I quote him when I say 'how much sooner is sooner, than later?'  I think when we hung out for the first time i said something like..hope to see you sooner than later.  He stayed a  lot longer than I even thought.  We jammed, watched a movie and talked.   Nothing romantic has happened yet.  I was still pretty out of it.  He is so beautiful, skinny, and shy.  He complimented me on my skirt.. that made me happy.  I don't really know a whole lot about this dating game.

 I plan to continue my control and then maybe I can deserve him.  I want to learn a new song on my guitar so next time we jam i can sing something new for him, maybe i'll write a new original song.

 gw 125
gw2: 120
gw3: 110
ugw: 103

Saturday, March 7, 2009


I strive for something that I know I can never have in the long run.  Its an up and down climb.  I love and hate myself on and off.  Right now I'm starting to love myself..but only because i've slipped back into self destruction.  How twisted is that?

My weight is going back down along with my fat.  I'm starting to feel cold again due to fat loss.  I used to complain about always being cold.  Yet now that  I'm starting to feel cold again I love it.  I let my body recover from its physical injuries by gaining back some weight.  Now that I can handle more exercise  I will be working on getting my figure slim again.  I'll deal with the cold