You're not alone

Friday, December 31, 2010


I was told to make sure I take a break from my thoughts, job, etc. So I had a fellow anonymous recoverer re teach me how to crotchet. When I started messing up, I improvised and made something that resembles a ghost.

I had a pretty good day today. I received some good feedback from people. I just need to start believing in he strengths others see I have.

I feel out of shape. Not fat. Just....lazy. I might go snowboarding tomorrow! But I am a little sick in he throat so we'll see.

My new years plans will be to go to a show that my husbands band is playing in. I really hope I get some sleep tonight.

Anyone doing anything fun?

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Reinforcing the Behavior

I am not getting my needs met right now at treatment. I go there for 9 hours a day. I do what I'm asked. I work on challenges they give me.


I need to start working. I told my therapist the urgency. I'd still be going all day 3 days a week. We'll see what happens tomorrow.

I wish they would treat me as an individual, believe what I say, listen! Do I have to restrict, cut or purge to get your attention???? If I come tomorrow with bandages will you finally give me the treatment that my Parents are funding. I feel like it's reinforcing my behavior.

I'm not going to hurt myself. I'm going to sleep. Tomorrow is a new day.

My husband painting my toes Christmas day :)

Monday, December 27, 2010

What a depressing last post!!

I apologize.
Right after I posted, P and I had a long talk about what was going on in my head.
Its still going on

Why do I look at things like this:
It triggers me. I purged on christmas day for the first time in...2-3 months. I am sure watching the documentary "Thin" didn't help. P started getting on my case when he used my phone and saw that I was watching other triggering videos online.

I didn't go to treatment today and I'm so happy. P(my husband) had the day off and my therapist ok'd it. I didn't tell him about the 'slip up', but I did admit i had a hard day. I have to do an cause analysis for him.

I think there are great things I'm learning from treatment, but it has its flaws. I have a hard time knowing what to eat on the weekends, so I always feel like I'm just eating constantly. I hate it. I also feel confident about working out more, in a healthy way, but they pa poo it almost entirely.

I will live

Days go by

It's so much more than losing weight. It's a way of punishing myself. That's why I hold on o an eating disorder, cutting, and so on. I don't want this to be my life anymore, but sometimes it's hard to kick it to the curb. It's hard to say no to the impulses because they bring some relief. Yet, they don't solve the real struggle.

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Friday, December 17, 2010

5 weeks

5 weeks of treatment and this is my first weekend of really wanting to engage in restricting. Will the demon ever go away?

I think of you all so much!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone