You're not alone

Friday, December 25, 2009

Happy Christmas

He he I wore this to a highschool dance about4 years ago! I took this at my family xmas party two days ago

Nothing more or less to say than: I love you all and thank you for your support. Enjoy your holiday!!

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Twas the night before

This picture I was a little surprised to see my collarbone. I'm starting to feel more and more bones these days.
A much cuter person :) Agyness. Love her

Happy Holidays everyone!
drama happened yesterday morning....

I went to work for about two hours
I was completely exhausted, the drive to work was scary for me
I had to go pick up last minute pictures for my family's gifts
then drive an hour to meet with my mom

Well I didn't do that exactly. I stopped at J's place to visit. I decided I'd take an hour nap, I could still make it up to my bro's in time. My alarm went off, my phone rang. I nudged J to turn off the alarm and I turned off my phone.

Sweet and glorious sleep. I needed it. I sleep well when I'm near J. Its just because I got so used to it.

Four hours later I decided to turn on my phone as J got ready to go to work. 5 voice mails, 5 messages. I checked my text messages first. Then my sister called and told me my Mom was FREAKING out. She called EVERYONE to see if they knew where I was, she even called P and asked him to see if I was at my apartment. P was worried. All for naught because that is how my mom is.

I went up to my parents and had a pretty good time. I didn't really eat dinner, fixed up a bowl of rice and veggies, ate a couple veggies, and a couple bites of rice. Threw the rest out. We did a talent show and I played a song I wrote for P 3 years ago. They voted me as the winner ha ha. I think my little bro was equally if not better. So i'm going to share my iTunes giftcard with him.

I did a lot of people's hair, but I didn't mind it because it was a nice distraction from all the screaming children. Sometimes my anxiety hits at the wrong time :) I am on my period, feel so grosssss but in control. I drove home and am now at P's house. waiting for him to get home with his dad.

I am on el Period. Bleh. I love it this time though because I can hardly eat anything :). My parents gave me my 'stocking stuffers'. I love new socks! They also gave me edible stuff. I already threw most of it away and am giving the rest to P's family. I don't need it. I don't want it. I look at myself and still don't see what I want.

A few nights ago P and I were talking, and he said "You're too skinny". The other night, when I cut on my rib, I texted him:
"I'm too skinny?"

He said he was joking, but I wasn't laughing. I don't know what 'skinny' means. I will never be happy enough, but I am not complaining either! I am so happy I'm finally back down. I look at pictures taken of me recently and am a little shocked at the difference! My goal is to be 110-113 by new years. It will be done :)

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

its hard to stop

with the break of skin comes the release of pain
and the new ones are hidden
my shoulder
my rib cage

I hate periods!!
All day yesterday I thought I gained like 5 pounds
So I was really stressed but I HAD to get on the scale

Only up 1.2 pounds.
I can handle that :) he he

Happy Holidays!! I am going to have internet on my laptop this evening. I look forwarded to FINALLY catching up on your blogs

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

cross my heart and hope to

My life has been too busy for my liking
Last week I had two swim meets, work, boy, shopping, party
I am looking forward to the year 2010

It has been such a long and tiring year.

I'm ready for it to be over.

Things with P and I are slowly developing, and I adore it. I adore him. I keep having flash of random memories. Remembering when I was 17 and him and I shared our first kiss.

Or when we first exchanged "i love you"

A couple nights ago he kissed me, with a lot more..whats the word..passion i suppose. I was afraid he would recoil and not touch me for a long time(he wasn't allowed to do anything more than shake a girls hand while away). Last night I was proved wrong. I think we both want to marry each other. Its foreign for me to seriously be saying, " I could be getting married soon". I know some of those who blog(reese) are married. Is it scary? I've known P for 4 years now and before we left we used to talk about being married. But now its so surreal.

And unfortunately on top of all that I still have feelings for J. I know I just talked about being married to P, obviously I'm not ready for that anytime soon. I love and hate romance. I don't believe in "The One". Which I think plays a part of my shitty feelings running all over the place. Wanting P, missing J. Missing P, wanting J back. F. M. L.

Alrighty I'll try and read a few of your blogs now!!! I'll post again soon. Avoid the sweets!!

Friday, December 18, 2009

Dance with Me

Sorry this was a little late. I've put up a new thinspo poll


Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Wishing Today was Tomorrow :)

How can you not love agy? freak. I love love love love love her

Firstly: Comments for some blogs that I can't post on:

Ana's girl: I started to smoke when I got down to a low weight. In my mind it was to kill my appetite. It worked for a little bit. But also made it hard for me to exercise. My energy levels also decreased quite a bit. If you have an addictive personality..just be careful k? Smoking really is bad for you, and my guess is you are trying to use it for weightloss? It doesn't cure your self control, you have to find it yourself. I just want you to be healthy :) I'm proud to say I've quit for good! I feel so much better.

Lyndee. I love you girl. I don't know if you'll still read my blog. Stay strong with what your current goals are. Don't forget I'm here for ya!

Thinspo For tomorrow will be....Dance!! I've already started lookin up pics. I hope all likey
I'm not sleeping very well and I'm definitely not cute. I didn't go to bed last night because I was texting some pretty racy things with J while he was at work. I knew that the following was going to happen when I picked him up and drove him to his house:
J and I kind of made out this morning. big time. it was kind of a final goodbye, ending that physical relationship. You know how break ups feel, and those emotions you carry. I thought I would feel guilty a little, but I don't. P isn't my boyfriend. I am no one's girl. And from this point forward J and I will be friends only.
BUT speaking of P :). We are going on our first official date since he's been back :)
He is so sweet.
Today I sent him a text about how I was having a minor anxiety attack(more like caffeine overload mixed with adderol because I really haven't gone to bed. i took an hour nap with J this morning)
He called me up shortly after.
"Ms. Mindy, how can I spoil you?"
I told him about a dream I had a few nights ago.
We had our 3rd first kiss(1st kiss, broke up for 2 months, 2nd first kiss, left for two i'm just hoping for a third first kiss....hehe)
It felt so real, and breath taking
I am really realizing how much I do care and love him.
I know you all might think i'm a whore. J was a wonderful boyfriend, and I still have feelings for him(obviously, holy moly was that a heated make out session). But in the long run I know that we don't want the same things. So there is no point in getting deeply attached, living part of our lives together and discovering what we knew wouldn't work all along.
So yup i'll post dance thinspo tomorrow. I'll let you know how our date goes thursday. Thanks for your support and comments. Stay strong. Never give up on yourself, and never forget you are worth more than the stars, you just have to try and convince yourself of that!!!

also: I'll be taking those pics down soon. probably not the legs one. but yup yup

Monday, December 14, 2009


i've had a very emotional weekend. I cried all day saturday, missing P, not feeling important to him. We Finally got to talk yesterday, and I told him about what happened while he was gone, explained some things that was making it hard for him to want to try and be 'us' again.

After a long talk he said that he now feels more hopeful, and thats a good start for me. We are going to go on a date this week. I just want to be his again, but it will take time.

Yesterday i weighed in at 116. I have eaten some food. Too much in my mind, but i need to keep tricking my body. I am feeling sick in bed right now though.

I'll read your blogs when i have a computer. I'm on my phone. Thanks for all your support!

Thursday, December 10, 2009

yay nay

this is a headshot I took yesterday for my agency so they could have a current look
My nephew took the photo as I was getting P his favorite spicy chicken

I will be fixing up his bushman brows, i don't like this pic of me

below: My legs!!! I'm slowly getting there.

I'm floating above and beyond what I ever knew i was capable of, and it scares me.

Yesterday was crazy!! I waited all day to get ready to drive up to the airport to pick up my best friend. I don't know if any of you know about/ are mormon. But P has been serving a mission in africa for two years. Anyway i'm trying to calm my nerves 4 hours until his arrival. I receive a call on my phone. It was P's dad, or so i thought. It took me 30 seconds to realize I was takling to P! Nerves, butterflies, naseua. The works. His flight was delayed a couple hours. You are probably confused as to who P is...let me go find his story..crap I can't find that post. Long story short. We dated a year and a half before he left, he is my bestfriend, i stopped going to church for a long time, so we're going to have to talk about lots of things.

In my religion when boys serve missions they have many many rules. One is no hugging opposite sex(non family). Yes I know this will be so foreign for most of you, but I've known this even before he left. So last night when he came out of the terminal everyone was all hugs, when he approached me I received a hand shake. Because his flight was delayed he couldn't be released. i didn't sleep really. but i just got off the phone with him and I'll be going over around 7..thats 7 hours. UGH I really missed him.
I had a doctors appointment this morning. I've been wanting to get on adderol forever..and it finally happened!!! It really does help me focus and I've been taking it the past two weeks from a friend. I love it. I may have gone overboard a couple times, resulting with absolutely no sleep. Now that I know I can be more responsible. My favorite part is the appetite suppresant. I haven't eaten since that burrito on tuesdsay. I had a coffee yesterday morning, and am about to go get a coffee with J. I know I should eat. I don't want to lose too fast. Especially since I've lost 4 pounds in 3-4 days. I weighed myself this morning. 117.2
Don't get me wrong I'm totally estatic! But since i've gotten back down to this smaller size again people have been throwing comment around again. I just have to be careful. When will I eat? Thats yet to be determined.
Its almost the weekend!! Stay strong!! I'm going try and post on if my computer will let me.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Lots to say, only a little time

First: About the poll I made. I made that when I wasn't in a good mood. I felt useless, lonely, and nobody cared about me waa wa wa. So I aplogize, just deleted it. I know I do help some of you that read, and I will continue to do so. I guess if you want me to delete this blog(because one person really did vote on it) then stop reading my blog eh? Doesn't matter. Other than trying to help others, mainly why do we all blog? For ourselves. I know that this has been a lot of help to me, and I love the support from everyone. I do my best to support you back. My work computer doesn't always allow me to post on some people's blog. Know that I do read yours and post when I can!

And also THANK YOU for your thinspo input. I think I'll make a poll and gather thinspo for a week depending on which category is highest. And then at the end of it I'll post.

Yesterday I got a call from my agent.
I signed with an agency maybe 6-9 months ago.
I never got a job, and eventually stopped hearing from him.
Yesterday he left me a message saying I had a job opp.
So I called him back.
I'm 99% sure that I'll be an extra for an Olympic Commercial(winter 2010)
oh and I'll be making 250 a day
minus 15-20% commission
i will cry if this falls thru
It would be an answer to my prayers to receive a good chunk of money
especially since I don't know if I'll be able to get anyone anything for xmas

Guess how happy I am today
really happy
I've been quite the insomniac the past two weeks
I felt pretty guilty for eating that burrito yesterday
but it did some good
I slept for 6 hours, waking up once briefly
Ladies and Gents(if any. I'd love to find some male bloggers. anyone know of any?)
This is a record for the past two weeks. I either don't sleep
sleep but wake up so often i'd almost rather have just stayed awake

Another reason I'm happy is because of this
One of my texting ana buddies(non blogger) told me her goal weight
i was bored and went to
i calculated how much she could eat
and still lose by the date she wanted
then. I did me! Sheesh.
Start date: 12.9.2009
Start weight: 119
End date: 1.31.2009
Goal weight: 110
Calories I can eat: 852
its nice to see reasonable things like that, and realize...i can reach my goals
I'll be going to the gym more, this week has just been way to busy.
plus no sleep
And now for the other happy thing
My best friend is coming home tonight
I'm driving up to the airport to welcome him home
So I must go
Clean my apartment(he might be over tonight)
make myself beautiful
remember to breath
and avoid food :)
Weaselbee- that will be my next blog
How a two pound gain turned into 17...stay tuned
OH! almost forgot. I'm going to the doctor tomorrow morning.
I got off my anti dep. med. Totally making me crazy
I want to get on adderol. I know it would help
I'll explain why if I get them
if not.
eek I gotta go!!!!

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Themed thinspo

I first want to ask my followers what kind of thinspo they'd like to see. My goal is to post lots of thinspo more often. In the past i've done gothic, halloween, legs, hip bones, shoulders..yadda yadda. So please! Tell me what YOU want to see.

I wasn't planning on posting tonight but i couldn't wait! I'll post in the morning again about some things on my mind. But for now:

Intake: Water
Candy cane 80(low blood sugar)
Soy mocha 180 at most (horribly mixed so all the sweet stuff was at the bottom BUT i didn't finish it)
3/4 of a bean(no cheese) burrito ?????
Hershey kiss: 35
Total: 295 + ????
Since i've been doing mostly liquids the past few days that burrito felt like a binge, but j helped me eat it. I'm sure i ate less thab 3/4. I just hate not knowing how much calories, including that partial mocha. Oh well. I decided i have to allow myself higher cal days, and sweets now and then(i argued with myself the whole way home wether or not i should buy more sweets, the skinny me stayed strong)

WEIGHT: 119.4 LBS , 54.15 KG, 8 st 7

I couldn't believe it. I'm most likely fasting again tomorrow, but i'll post more tomorrow. Love you all!!!

monday: stomach eating itself

Diet mt. Dew 0 cal
soup at 10 and 1 during work with black coffee in between: 220 Cal.
White chocolate raspberry Soy mocha with an extra shot. I'm guessing around 200. The coffee shop i went to uses low cal soy

Total 420, maybe more?

I had a busy day and way too much caffeine. But staying strong, thinking off you all. Thank you to those who take the time to leave a comment, weaselbee, Sar, sarah, flushed, thinner, fallen angel, jo(pro ana) you rock! And if i forgot to mention you, tell me!


Saturday, December 5, 2009


sometimes when i say how long i want to fast i epically fail. So instead i'll just go with the flow and update my (hopeful) progress. I'll try to put up some before and after pics

1:00 am sw; 122.2(55 ish kg, 8 st 12 :()

Friday, December 4, 2009

Friday's blog

To my followers/people I follow comments:
weaselbee- stay strong hun. I'm sorry about all the drama you're having to deal with. I love your blog!
Ana's Girl: Try to start exercising. You will see results! Just stay patient. It doesn't always show on the scale, but sometimes your body begins to shrink. I take pictures of my body frequently. Also try on smaller close to see how you're progressing
i'm sorry I can't be perfect: again, so glad you're back! Stay strong and keep up your motivation
My computer also is being stupid and I can only comment on some people's blogs
A lot has happened and I only have 13 minutes to post.
Wednesday Night: J and I broke up. But we both decided we wanted to try and be friends.
I cried, hard.
He has been such a strength in my life.
I slept over 10 hours
I went with my Mom to figure out the bills for the apartment my Dad and I are renting
She got me an early christmas present. A new phone which I love and really needed
She also bought me some seeds to start sprouting!
I spent sometime with J and honestly it wasn't too bad.
I redid my roots( I still need to tone the color)
Then I went back to J's and we watched our fav t.v. show
It was hard not to lean on his arm. cuddle up close
But I'd rather be with him than without
We are both in a good enough place in life that we were mature enough to realize
we need eachother still
even as friends
I woke up bright and early.
Burned 500 cals at the gym.
I'm about to leave work.
I'm a little lonely, but I'm still doing well.
I forced myself not to get on the scale.
If I do it too much I'll probably self sabatoge.
Intake today: Rice/Hemp protein shake w/ almond milk. 200 cals(but I burned it right off because I drank it before and at the beginning of my workout)
Stay strong! don't give up. Keep smiling!

Thursday, December 3, 2009

almost the weekend :)

This is me trying to post from my new phone. I was trying to comment on blogs but it might not allow it.

Intake: luna bar 180, homemade almond mocha 100, chips(4) and salsa 80, lemonade? It was sugar free homemade, toast with jam, 120.

Total: 480

I'm happy with it, considering my weight this morning was 120.8! My home scale is two pounds off i think.

I must sleep. Early morning gym! I'll catch up on your blogs when i get to work


Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Out of curiosity

I love this photo. Not sure if I've used it before but yum! lovely tummy

Monday ended up being the longest day of my life.
I didn't really sleep sunday night and I was emotional all day
I got home from coaching to find out my power had been shut off
I just laughed about it because my Dad and I are idiots
I went to my sisters because I would've froze in my apt
My nephew broke my charger
J got drunk and was pissed at me
I was crying all night
I got more sleep at least
went to the gym
got the electricity figured out
talked with J(we actually resolved the issue monday night)
went to my old place to retrieve the rest of my stuff(i still have a few more things to move..sigh.. its endless)
And out of curiosity I stepped on my home scale
for the first time in a while(note that I weighed myself monday morning at the gym and i never knew how accurate my scale was)
I was down .4!
And this was with me wearing a heavy jacket and shoes!
So I'll weigh myself next week sometime but at the gym
I'm feeling mostly better today, minus some hunger pains. P comes home in 7 days!! Gah. I can hardly believe it. My mom is going to get me a new phone tomorrow which will be nice since my charger broke and I can get an upgrade so it'd just be better to get a new phone than get a charger for 20-30 bucks and then a new phone next month.

I have a hard time thought with my Mom buying the phone. I told her that I was sorry I couldn't afford my life. I was really trying to pay for everything that I can. But alas I'm always scraping by. I've made a budget online, this is the first month, so we'll see if it helps.

I don't know if I'll go to the gym today. I finally got sleep last night but I'm really sore and tired. I'll just continue my restricting. 110 by the end of the year seems possible now