You're not alone

Monday, November 30, 2009

I've been busy

If anyone reads anymore. I've been trying to post on your blogs but I hardly ever have internet and my work computer sucks. I'm thinking of all you ladies.

I weighed myself and really felt happy with the results! I have to keep pushing it though. I won't give up. I can fit into my skinnies but I still see all the fat that needs to go bye bye. I feel more productive with myself lately and it makes a huge difference with my overall outlook. I decided to try and get more religious again. I have a new attitude and I really think I'll be able to stick with it. I love God and I love the beliefs I hold, and its nice to be surrounded by people who share the same beliefs. J and I are alright. I told him I wanted more space, not sleeping over anymore, but in the long run its for the best. My best friend will be coming home in 9 days and I still love him. I cried today after we chatted on email. I think its because today was my last chance to talk to him before I get to see him face to face. I haven't seen him in two years. Freak. I'm anxious, restless, but happy. I'm just trying to take everything one day at a time.

thin forver!!! So glad you're back. I'll post more tomorrow and try to comment on your blogs.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Thanks Giving was Happy for me!!

I got wasted last night. I think because I've lost weight I've turned into the biggest pot head. This morning I decided I wouldn't eat thanks giving dinner. Last year I binge and purged the whole day. I didn't want a repeat. Thanks to some lovely advice from Lyndee I was asked no questions and I'm still fasting. I am proud of myself for keeping in control, avoiding the pie and everything else that I can't eat (meat ha ha, potatoes I didn't want). I put on my old skinny jeans! They are a little tight but I definitely am getting there. Sorry this post is short. Have a happy day. Thanks for the support

Monday, November 23, 2009

Dramatic day

It goes as follows:

10:00 arrived at work. Nothing to do so I just checked my email, found out my best friend will be coming home from africa in two weeks and two days! I emailed my Mom about how depressed I have been feeling.

10:30 ignored a call from my old salon manager.

11:00 called back my old boss. Yesterday(sunday) I went into the salon to retrieve my blow dryer and straightener to do my sisters hair. Well when my I got on the phone with her she freaked out. "that was breaking and entering, that was trespassing, some of my stuff is missing, now i have to pay for new locks and i want you to pay for them". My boss has a very strong personality, very strong. I agreed to pay for the locks and then I bawled to J about how I didn't have money to pay for them, how I was afraid she might sue me. I talked to my Mom who said there was no way she would win a case if she did sue me and I shouldn't have to pay for the locks.

12:00 I wrote her a letter. Apologizing for upsetting her, explaining that my emotional issues were part of the reason for my less than professional choices, blah blah blah. I calmed down.

1:30 She called me back to tell me the amount it would cost to change the locks. I told her I couldn't afford to pay for it all and she said the only other option was to go through the police. One reason was because the building owners were wanting her to change the locks. But I told her if that was going to be the case I'd rather just go through the police.

2:30 I get to my own salon and there is a police officer there as well. He questions me "Did you take anything that didn't belong to you? Why did you come when anyone else wasn't here" My answer "I have no ill feelings and no reason to steal, I came at that time of day becuase my sister wanted me to do her hair last minute and I was in the area" I filed a police report, I gave her my nice letter. She seemed a little more chilled

I missed a swim meet because of the whole police and salon drama, i let him search my car and blah blah blah fuck fuck fuck shit shit shit.

My Dad called me while I was at the salon "No one messes with my little girl" So i feel confident if they do press charges that my Dad and his lawyer will kick ass.

5:00 got drunk until now. Holy shit this has been a dramatic day. Dramatic. Its bullshit. I didn't steal anything from her, and I can't believe she attacked me like that. It just makes me hate myself when I shouldn't.

So hopefully I don't have to have more drama with the court.

My raw food diet didn't start today, but my intake was low so tomorrow is a new day. I'm still drunk. I love you ladies and gents(if any?) stay strong!

Sunday, November 22, 2009


Yes I fake tan.

So its time to crack down on myself, push myself harder. I want to do this by eating raw foods only. I've been feeling in control lately, but I definitely could do better. Tomorrow I want to eat less than 200 cals.

Coffee with a bit of soy -20
banana 90

I shouldn't need anything more than that. I will also be pretty busy. I'll drink the coffee in the morning. An apple at work. Then go to the gym and have a banana. Now that my ankle is starting to feel better I can start running again. Running tones my legs pretty quickly, and I want them to be toned because: I WANT TO FIT INTO MY OLD SKINNY JEANS!! J bought me a new pair of skinnies yesterday. They are a size 25(so about a 2) My other skinnies are a size 24. I can fit into them, but its definitely tight and unflatering. I want to fit into them in two weeks. That is my goal. So raw foods it is. No more soda. No more junk(and by junk i mostly mean the food I've been eating lately, salad with beans and rice and stuff.

I can do this. I will do it because I've done it before. Its time to bring up my old phrases and excuses :

I'm not hungry
i already ate
No thanks

Ha ha. Stay strong everyone

Friday, November 20, 2009

That time of the month

Finally started el uterus bleeding. 4 weeks and 5 days.

I've been doing really well. Sorry I haven't been blogging. Its just that I have nothing to talk about. This whole week I've been mostly non productive. Ha ha. I do have one funny story:

[textfromMe] I'm just going to be straight with you.
My period is three days late
I think I'm pregnant
You're probably the father.
[jsays] why would you say that?
I didn't respond because I was about to see him face to face. It was a totaly joke, that is why I said "probably the father". Even if we were having sexual intercourse and there WAS a possibilty of me being pregnant..of COURSE he would be the father.
Welll I get to his new place and he looks at me and says(quite angrily) " Why did you say that?" I was like "fuck babe I was just kidding" We both let ourselves calm down and then I said "If there really was a chance I was pregant I wouldn't joke about it.
He is just funny.
My weight is back down, but my body is bloated, but boobs are sore. Fucking periods. Yes I'm going to bitch and moan about them because they suck.
My plan lately has been fast every other day. Never eating over 800. Its been working out pretty well. I've missed you all. I hope I still have some people who care to listen to my ramblings. REmember STAY STRONG!

Sunday, November 15, 2009


Battle of the bands.. Well it was really battle of the popularity. Unfortunately this really shitty band that had no talent(playing power chords over and over isn't very musical). I'm over it, we'll just have to rock it bigger! The Iso Principle is our blog. The songs with my cello haven't been produced yet, but I'll keep you posted.

I got in a major fight with J friday night though. I thought he was going to dump me. I was so scared. I am underage but I got a huge bottle of Vodka from my brother.
My plan was to get pissed drunk. The i decided to grow some balls and talk to J.
Long story short..we talked things over. We're better, but he said I needed to change.
Totally justified.


I gained 4 pounds over the week. I dropped one pound of so far, and I am keeping working hard. I'll be under 120 in two weeks.

Starting with a fast tomorrow.

STay STrong!!!

Friday, November 13, 2009

You are all so sweet

Thanks to those who comment on my last post. You were all so true! Flushed.. I love you! Wonderful words. I guess I'm not being hpocritical if I'm just trying to get him to be healthy, because I do love and care for him. And Sar I'm actually from Utah...but somewhat close to CA. I'm jealoust that you live in NY. Lets party.

For some reason I really love this picture. So creepy/beautiful. Maybe creepy isn't the right word. Mysterious Yes I like it.

So I've been feeling a lot better about life. I've been given new responsibilites at work and I actually feel like an important person as far as the work place goes. I'm valuable in that aspect eh? Feels nice. Especially since jobs can be somewhat foreboding, dulling, brain numbing, mind killing, life sucking and what not. He he. Okay i'm done. But yeah I'm enjoying work.

Coaching has been a blast this year! We have a meet today actually, I have to leave pretty soon. I'm so proud of my swimmers. They are all(most of them anywya) working their butts off! I'm excited to see how they'll do.

Lastly: My band is playing at a battle of the bands tonight!!!! I hope we win. If we win tonight we get to compete in the finals tomorrow. I'm excited!! Fingers crossed.

Stay strong everyone!!! Weekends can sometimes be hard, but keep motivated and focused!!

Thursday, November 12, 2009

So far so good


I ran a mile!! In heavy shoes, and i have shinsplints..but my ankle didn't swell!
I worked out with the team doing a lot of leg and abs
I got in a fight with J monday night. I freaked out, i think because i haven't been taking my medication. It was painful to be near him, painful to be away. We work together so that was fun. We're good now. I'm so stupid but he puts up with my shit. I also re touched my roots, and toned my hair. My hair is now a lavendar blonde. Its different, its weird..but so am I. I like it.
I made it to the gym :) I did about 45 minutes of cardio and 15 minutes of weights. I also went tanning. Shh. its a little secret, it makes you look thinner. Last night J came over to my new apartment. I made him some food and we played nintendo. While we were trying to fall asleep we started talking about food. He told me how much he'd eaten yesterday:
2 cups of coffee
a cup of noodles
5 taquitos
He then asked me "Do I have an ED?" I said the difference between him and a person with the disorder is that they conciouslly starve themselves. But you however just drink coffee and eat now and then. I told him he should spend money on food, not coffee. I told him how he needs to try and get way more than 1000 calories a day. at least double.
Can I really be talking to him like that?
I think I can. Because he is so underweight. His chest bone pokes me when we cuddle. He has no but, just bone. I love him and I want him to have energy, he is always tired.
Am I hypocritical? Bleh.
Stay strong everyone! THanks for your support.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Its a new week!

Today has been good. I've been lounging around with J. Smoking some great green. I thought I'd write a few of my goals

Quit Smoking [x](j and i decided we're done today)
Quit Smoking Pot[]
Cut back on coffee []
Go to the gym 6 days a week[]
Get under 120 before thanks giving []
Be more strict on my veganism []
Get to under 800 cals a day[]
Start running after my ankle can handle it again[]

Its good to write goals down on paper or put it out in the open. I'm doing alright with eating. I always tend to eat more when I smoke pot. But I've done well the past few days. All healthy low cal stuff. But i can't get comfortable. I've got to start restricting a little bit more. I know I can do it, and I will.

My best friend/ex boyfriend gets home in a month. Holy shit this is going to be drama. Girls I might really need a few shoulders to cry on. Stay strong! Don't give in to weakness.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Support Eachother

I started my blog to get my thoughts and feelings about my eating disorder out in the open. To help people feel support. To help people understand what an ED is. To gain support. To feel like I wasn't alone.

I want everyone that reads my blog to know I'm here for you. Everyone on here is beautiful and we all deserve more than what we know.

I had a fun weekend and was so excited to come home to my J. When he saw me he picked me off my feet and spun me around. He is my angel. I love him.

I am looking forward to this week
Gym everyday, no exceptions
at least one 24 hour fast
Stay strong everyone

Friday, November 6, 2009

Internet in my hotel room!

This is me, and its for my 115 followers!!! I love you all
I get to sneak in a blog tonight before I do room checks to make sure my swimmers are in their beds.

So plan for now is just to keep restricting more and more everyday. It may take longer for me to get down to 118 but because i've been slowly restricting I've been steadily losing or maintaining. I don't tend to binge.

But I do need to step it up at the gym. My ankle still swells which drives me mad. I'd be getting so much more toned even faster.

Stay strong this weekend everyone!! I'll catch up on sunday

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Nuts about berries

I am really sore today. Horridly sore. But it is the sore that hurts so good. The sore that lets you know you're building muscle and toning up.

oh and the sore
that makes your bf feel sorry
so he rubs your shoulders all day
hurts so good

I had a pretty good day today. I feel really in control. I went to the place called zupas to get din din for me and my boy boy. I ordered a berry salad and vegetable soup. While driving to pick up coffee I ate the piece of roll that came with the meal. I was starving. But I'm glad I ate it before meeting up with J because it gave my body time to digest and get over the ravenous/binge mode. When we finally started eating I finished my soup and felt completely satisfied. I saved my salad for lunch tomorrow.

I have a goal for this weekend but i want to know your thoughts and comments/motivation:

Alright so friday morning I embark on a over night swim meet.
we leave at 8:00 friday and get back late saturday.
i'm usually exhausted after this trip(this is my third year)
all i want to do is sleep when i get home.
last year i was restricting and at my lowest weight
last year i fasted the whole trip.
i want to do it again

What do you think? Doable? The bus ride is about 5 hours. Then we drop off stuff at the hotel. The first day of the meet last until dinner time. Then we go out to eat, but I don't eat fast food. Continental breakfast in the morning. I can put a plate together and then not eat it. No lunch during the second day. Coffee. And then dinner stay on the bus and sleep.

i can do this i think.
I have stayed around 125 but i want to get closer to 120 again. I got to get to the gym everyday, no ecxeptions. I've been doing a least 4-5 days a week. Time to bump it up. Thats the thing we all need to do, change up how we do things. Kick things up a notch. Keep pushing yourself, don't become degenerate, boring. Thats when we slip up, thats when we binge. We need to keep ourselves busy. Keep our minds focused. What inspires you? Answer for me is: my followers. You help me so much. I love you all


Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Missing People

I miss some of you girls who aren't posting, nads, steph. come back soon.

I worked out with the team this morning.
I led them in a lot of circuit workouts. Arms, abs, butt. the works
I was busy at the office today, 4 new hires.
I didn't eat all day, fell asleep with J for a while
we finished the last of the pot.
which is good because I really need to sober my mind

Girls and Boys never give up. Never let anyone tell you what to be. Find what makes you happy and hold onto it. When you mess up refocus, revisualize, re vamp. Go for a walk. Do a few crunches. There is always tomorrow. You are in control of your attitude, your mind, your control. Try and stay positive, I know its hard. I hate my life but most the time I can find a small amount of sunshine through people, music, blogging. I look in the mirror and see myself fat, even with my hipbones, collarbones and decreased weight. How strange my mind that loves to play tricks on me. I'm not perfect, but I'm not ugly. How is that? How about I know I'm beautiful? On the inside. I try to be a good person. Wow. I'm done rambling. You are all worth more than you may think. Thanks for your support. I'll post on thursday before I go out of town.


Monday, November 2, 2009

back to earth

So I'm going to begin my story with Saturday evening:
I picked up J and we got to my apt. We were planning on hanging out with David and doing robo, drinking alchy and what not. Well David was having a bad day so we had to figure out a sneaky way to get him to hang out with us. We went to subway and I got a guilty free salad. Once we'd gotten drunkish(i was empty stomached) we all popped a bottle of robo. We went outside to smoke and drink and chat and laugh. Well I was the first one to feel sick. I went into the house and laid on my bed. I was tripping majorly. I was dry heaving couldn't stand up. J and David went outside for a smoke. The door bell rang, children knocked. I went and answered the door completely high. I'm sure my neighbors think i'm crazy ha ha. Anyway i started leveling out the next few hours and i survived the roboville. i will never do that shit again.
Sunday: we woke up and got some coffee. Went to J's house and was so happy just to smoke a joint. A mild non crazy high. I ate some cereal to help with the hang over and and drug recovery. We watched Hanibal. Goodness I loved it. After that we went to target to get some edibles and what nots for J. When we got back I drank this huge screw driver. I got drunk fast. I ate the rest of my salad...then the freak out began.
I was seizing for probably an hour or two. Trying to throw up, my body jerking uncontrollably. J was so helpful in being a complete dick. He didn't know if he should be taking me serious or whatever. I couldn't help it.
I'm fine now but it was crazy. Needless to say I need to be sober for a few days and let my mind come back to earth. I love you all so much. Stay strong and thin!