You're not alone

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Weight back down

P is trying to get me to eat
I ate about 1 out of 2 of those hard granola bars
He threatened to take away my computer
Becaue I am a child

I ate tod
ay, earlier
sugar(the top of a doughnut)
Veggie Sandwhich

I've been up since 8:00
did hair until 6:00
went to the library to do some studying with Perry
until now
i don't want to eat

In other news: I went to a masquerade ball last night :) I invited him(i'm his sugar ma ma), but he surprised me with a rose and original invite :)

sigh (a good one)

What Can I say? I'm not very lady like at times. Do you like his shirt/tie? We found the shirt a few days ago. I went back to purchase it and a tie.

"Cinderella in her party dress" - the killers
I also found matching shoe laces for my converse

I don't know what that is popping out of my arm

I have never been to a dance where I've danced fast and slow with a boy. Wow my life was pathetic

I had a blast though :) I really love P. I really love life. I love you all. Happy thoughts


Wednesday, January 27, 2010


I've been posting pictures of myself a lot. There was a post a few days ago of my legs. I am flattered that you all thought it was thinspo.

To answer some question: I got my tatto to help me stop from cutting myself. It did its job, but only for so long. And honestly I love my tattoo. I truly truly do. I don't regret getting it. But I wasn't myself when I got it. I was already caught up in some second realm, it was a very dark time for me. I will miss it. But I don't need it.

Rand115. When I first read your comment I was a little offended. But then I took a step back, and you are absolutely right. There is a fine line between the two, and one has to decide how far they will let themselves go. For me, I choose to try and maintain. If not to avoid the constant nagging to eat, or people whispering behind your back, it will keep me somewhat healthier. So thank you for saying what we are sometimes afraid to realize. Thank you

Hezza: you are cute and I'm going to find your blog right now

and to the others: don't be jealous please. it does take discipline, but you are the only one that can get you where you want to be

ana's girl: I love you. chin up babe

Today: Mocha, some cereal. That would be all. I've been at work for over 12 hours now. I am going to go and relax a little. Think happy thin thoughts


above: P's band. Left Colby(guitar), Kyle(bass), P(drums) Braden(guitar)

above: I took this picture today. I dunno. I need to do more cardio

Monday was alright. I went to the gym for almost two hours, burned 600-700 cals doing cardio, and then did some ab work.

I meant to go to the gym yesterday but I went to the coffee shop to use internet. Then I met this really interesting girl, and we talked for two or so hours. My intake was...I don't want to talk about it. I ate breakfast, and then went over to P's to cuddle/nap. When we woke up we were running around trying to figure out how to purchase tickets for a masquerade!! Yup I'm going on friday :). Then he offered to go to this tattoo removal place with me.

I have decided to remove my tat. Why? At one point in my life my tattoo served its purpose, it was a symbol of strength or control. But now when I look at it it holds painful and negative memories. so I began the process yesterday. And P was really amazing to be there for me. It took less than 5 minutes, but it was painful, and still is. I take the bandage off later today. It will start to blister and scab. Yum.

We got lunch afterward. I got a veggie vegan wrap and fruit. I ate half the sandwhich, 180 cals. Fruit? 50 cals? Then P convinced me to take a couple bites of ice cream(i am soooo lactose intollerant).

Mocha while P jammed with his band

Then I went to P's apartment to watch our fav t.v. show, the Office. DON"T DISCLOSE ANYTHING TO ME!! I didn't watch it for two years. We are finally to season 4, and almost to new material. Anyway. He didn't force me to eat, but he highly encouraged it. 1 piece of bread, peanut butter, and honey. I ate half of it and tried to get away with that, but he wouldn't really settle. I took an hour to eat the whole thing.

Last time I weighed I had put on 3 pounds.
I was feeling uber fat before I weighed myself last night
the results
- 2 pounds :)

huge relief. I'm trying to compromise with P and eat more, but not to the expense of me gaining a ton. And I haven't. I will continue to workout and keep my intake limited.

Stay strong!

Tuesday, January 26, 2010


Have a good day :) Stay positive and stick to your goals

Monday, January 25, 2010

Guten Tag

b: Soy Mocha (200 isher calories)
l: Veggie soup 220
I had a good day yesterday, and the night before.
Saturday night I got home from the weekend of coaching.
I was tired, but excited to hang out with P.
He informs me of a FREE show
guess who was playing
30 seconds to mars(a favorite of mine)
Okay if it wasn't outside, if I wasn't recovering from being sick
i would have been 100 percent there
but I'd seen these guys in 06
Well the understanding person in me says
"P I really don't think I should go, but I won't stop you"
Guess what happened.
I was surprised, and happy, and impressed.
Things are slowly getting back to what they used to be two years ago.
I can make him laugh :) things aren' always so serious
We are physically attracted to each other
holy crap
yesterday and the day previous he was a very horny dude
but its not always heated passion
the other night he was hugging me and out of no where he says
"Mindy, you're beautiful"
I started crying. Seriously. Why?
Because I believe him. Because before he left i believed him
and I haven't felt beautiful since he left
I do need to try and tell myself I am beautiful
he is the only boy that doesn't make me feel insecure
as much as I care/cared about J, i was ALWAYS insecure
Try and be positive everyone!! It makes the biggest difference.
I wish the best in all your current efforts. I'll comment on your blogs when I can
I already read them :) this computer is crap and won't let me comment

Saturday, January 23, 2010


I am fighting two battles:
There is the girl
still striving to be thin
There is the girl
listening to others advice
This girl doesn't know who to listen to
she knows if she tries to 'recover'
she'll gain
she'll get depressed
everyone will hate her
This girl knows she should listen
she knows taking care of her body
she'll gain
she'll be healthier
everyone will stop worrying about her
This girl can't stand the other
this girl wants to be fragile
this girl is still who I am
This girl loves the other
this girl is trying to please others
this girl isn't who i'm ready to be

So anyway thats whats going on. I have been busy with work/band/boy/coaching. So I am sorry that I haven't been better with the blogging world. Work: Well actually I sent an email on sunday explaining my frustration and almost leaving notification. I didn't go to work monday or tuesday. I spent Monday with P and his Band. We stayed up through the night. We kissed a lot. I kissed his chest, lips, neck. When we kiss like that it feels so blissful. He came to my place near 6 am. We agreed to not go to sleep in the same bed. A few hours later he came and cuddled with me anyway.

Wednesday I woke up 4 am, and it was not so good. I don't know what hit me; flu, food poisoning? It was horrid. I called P, I was scared. He was busy. I slept all day. I tried to go to work, but then I ended up at P's apartment. Not to be taken care of by him, but his roommate and E and his girlfriend. P is a little poopy, but thats not what I'm going to focus on.

I finally made it to work on thursday! I had a meeting with my managers and I'm getting a raise, plus some backpay! Oh do I need that chunk of money. I watched the film I was in, it was pretty good! I will post it when I can. I gave P a ride home after and he was back to his 'just friend' mood. Wanker. By his request I have been trying to eat more, and maybe gain a couple(and that is saying a lot for me). But why? I have no reason to be bowing to his wishes. I'm being so stupid. I truly am. I went home and browsed my phone photos. a picture of J came up. my first thought "I love him". And I do. And I can't handle it. Currently him and I wouldn't work out in the long run. But I still want to be his, to be with him. Is it because P is being such a moron? Am I incapable of being happy without someone 'loving' me back?

Well I am not going to try and gain for P anymore. I just got off my period. I usually don't weigh during that time. I am out of town for a swim meet and to kill time I worked out. I also forced myself to eat dinner. So this is my new plan:

I will allow myself more food, only if I work out. If not I am reverting back to 600 or less.
how about that P?

I weighed myself. Only up a couple pounds, not stressed.

My GW is 112 right now. Slow and steady

Sunday, January 17, 2010

A little bit of ribs/stomach

I love you a :)

Saturday, January 16, 2010


He he

How? I don't know. Last time I weighed I was between 118-120. And I thought I stayed up there. This is my lowest known weight. I know that I may have gotten a little lower last year, but I was really really sick and I didn't weigh at the time.

I'm only worried because people are talking. I'm torn between maintaining around 118 or not care and continue to lose. Its definitely difficult. Does anyone ever feel this way?

So yesterday was pretty good. I worked for a couple hours and then I filmed a short comedy for a film festival! I will post the video when I can. I went to P's band's storage unit. This is where they practice because they didn't have a location. I have been doing their blog, one of the singers loves my work! ha ha. I took pictures and got a feel for their music. I am actually impressed. I knew P would do well drumming as always. I know one of the singers from high school. It was fucking cold but totally awesome!!!!! I was impressed. Unfortunately P knows how to rock, unfortunate because its hot.

Today I tried to eat more, and I argued with P all day. He promised he'd try and be more positive about trying to get me to eat.

i don't care though

110 here I come