You're not alone

Monday, May 10, 2010

Qiuckie today, i'll have more time tomorrow

Whole oat/7 grain cereal with apples, raisins: my brain food
Iced coffee
fruit snack, two clementines(mini orange)
40 minute run, more details below
protein shake: made with fresh fruit and almond milk

I have a test tomorrow, after that I'll have time to do a real post, read and update on my lovely blogging friends.
Today on my run I dry-heaved, in the middle of it! and then when I got home. Part of it is because my throat is backed up with mucus....yuck!

C purged again last night. I've not said anything to her. What is there to say? I feel bad, purging sucks. I think part of the reason I purged the other day was because i heard her. Ugh. Lets no talk about depressing things.

P and I have possibly set a month to get married

goodnight, i'm passing out


Friday, May 7, 2010

My ADD is killing me

and today was an epic failure

non stop eating

purged for the first time in months


and i need to study but i can't focus on anything. I made it to my study review, went tanning. slept. tried to study

Instead I played Zelda on n64 for most the day :)

p got it for me yesterday.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Happy 21

I'm now 21. weird.

okay so i just moved into my new place. I share a room with L, we get along great. N is really funny, and C is probably the one I haven't quite clicked with. L is on a diet, average weight. N does workout videos, on the bigger side, but seems overall happy. C is taking a ton of credits, always the last in bed, and has a boyfriend, pretty face, and also a little bigger. I am the small little runt and don't feel I raise much suspicion with any eating issues.

C was just purging in the toilet. I recognized it instantly, the gag cough, gag. Maybe it was her brushing her teeth? No...her bathroom fan is going. Then it continued and I heard the bowl splash.

Do I ignore it? Talk to her? Tell N(who is her friend). We've only lived together for about a week. I am a little in shock. Advice?

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

down .8 of a pound

And thats weighing myself at night. i look forward to the scale in the morning.

b - 7 grain/oat cereal with apples and raisins (cooked it myself, unprocessed, so good for you especially because of the flaxseed)

- soy mocha

l - a few mouthfulls of veggie soup, and a fruit popsicle

d - brocolli, otter pop, less than half a banana and a clementine orange

I don't count calories anymore. I just eat slow, and try to moderate/balance my diet.

Does anyone have some good cleanse suggestions?

Monday, May 3, 2010

3 more days of school this week

Today was busy busy. I woke up at 8:00 am (oops I was supposed to wake up at 7) and have been pretty on-the-go, its now midnight. Class went well today. I'm taking a 'media writing' course and today we practiced interviewing, writing a good lead, and a short story. I was a little slow, its been a few years since I've been in school!

Beauty school doesn't count. I was learning how to properly place foils for highlights or the difference between graduation and layers.

....:0....what did i get myself into???......:0 I'll be okay. I just have to get used to it.

After my studies I decided to go on a run!!
Mile 1: 9-10 minute pace
Mile 2: rotating 100 m blast per lap(x4), walk 1 lap
Mile 3: rotate blast opposite(x4), blas last lap

Kicked my butt! I wanted to puke, but I feel really happy after working out. And after a long day of learning, some boy drama, I am here on blogger :) Anyone need some thinspiration? Check out Daily Thinspiration. She is rather lovely ,and awesome for taking the time to write tips and post pics.

Well, sleep well lovlies.

It takes a strong person to admit they need help

This is a happy post, but I just need to get a little rant out:

I don't approve of people gloating in their happiness. Its great if you can find happiness, and even mention it to others. But there is a fine line between being grateful, and then just being "Hey Look At Me! Oh my goodness I am so happy. I'm sorry you aren't as happy as me" Its called showing humility.

So anyway. I had a pretty good day. I'm getting a little bit better and my mood is improving because of that :) P came over today and we watched discovery channel, cuddled, and played match maker with my new roomie and his band member.

Tonight we went out to his car to make out. He he i love making out but pretty much we want to make love. I practice abstinence before marriage... geh. He had made a few comments about my body.

"you looked good when I came back, and you look healthier now. But I fell in love with you when you weighed whatever you weighed 4 years ago. Don't take this the wrong way, but I think you were sexier back then"

Before you blast the man I love, keep in mind, he is a man.

We grew closer together tonight, simply because I was very open with my eating disorder. I am amazed at how he handles the issues at hand. I love him dearly because he reminds me of what is important. I don't want to gain weight, I don't want to hate myself, I don't want to purge ( even though I nearly did last night out of old habit).

I want control, but I don't want to die. I feel like Ana is sometimes a demon inside me, telling me what to do. I don't like to say that, but its true.

So what am I going to do? Do I half-ass try? Because even if I'm not underweight, under-eating is bad for the body. The long term effects are dangerous. Do i get help? Talk to someone, like he suggested?

I'm just happy to have him again.

Date taken: 4/3

Saturday, May 1, 2010


5 days until my birthday. My mom called me this morning and asked if I wanted to go to some benefit concert for my Dad's humanitarian business.
No thanks mom. I am sure its convenient that they are on the same day, and you'll already be down. and no. I don't want you to buy me a new book for my birthday gift. I am waiting for one of my text books to come in the mail.. she offered to just buy it new.

I hate birthdays. I appreciate when people attempt to get me gifts, but usually it isn't anything I need or use. Ugh. I might sound like a brat ha ha. I'd rather just have people Want to spend time with me. Or just give me money.

Anyway. I've been sick the past few days. My throat is burning and i have a hoarse voice. its so sexy you know?

Speaking of sexy. MY BABY GOT A JOB!! P finally got a job :) Hopefully he likes it, he'll keep it, and he can start moving on with his life. Like, I dunno, marry me? He he. In my dreams. I swear its never going to happen.

I just got done studying for two hours, and am about to go take a nap. I'm supposed to be doing an 'stay at home get better date' with P. Surprise surprise he hasn't called.

Below: P took this pic of me, it was a long day of t-shirt making