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Wednesday, June 15, 2016

Tracking My Food Is


I am angry at the nutritional content in most of our food. I decided to start tracking my food to just get a general idea of my macro nutrients and less focused on calories (but also good to know in general how much I'm consuming).


And I'm ANGRY about that. The recommended daily intake for sugar is 25g.

Today I've had a banana (12g) and a Kasha bar (7g). I plan to have 4 mini cucumbers (2g) and Chunky Guacamole (1g).

Total: 23g

I have no idea what I'm going have for dinner, but I would love to have some blueberries tonight, and that would technically but me over the 25g. So here is what I really think: either nutritionists need to be more realistic with what is a reasonable amount of sugar to consume OR people that make the food need to reduce sugar. (Of course the power is all in my hands so I'm just complaining here.)

The natural sugar doesn't bother me (like from the cucumber, banana, and guac (there is tomatoes in the guac).

It's the sugar in the snacks I have. I am not afraid of sugar, I love sugar. I just want to be able to enjoy it when I want to enjoy it dammit!

I have been drinking diet sodas for years. And recently I decided to stop drinking them to see if it would help with some headaches I was experiencing. I didn't realize how much sugar is in 1 cup of regular soda:

To me, it feels like such a waste. Drinking juice feels like the same thing, a waste of sugar that doesn't really fill you up (I'm not much of a juice drinker anyway).

I guess this means hard work is ahead

Why do we make it so damn hard to get the right nutrition? I want this for me and my family. So I guess I'll be going on Pinterest to find "Home Made Granola Bars" and other such snacks to help me be healthier. Damn sugar. 

Tuesday, June 14, 2016

The Confrontation...

is done.

More Backstory

I had a comment on my last post from Bella about how usually abuse from young adults to children often occurs because it happens to them first. This is very true with my family. Unfortunately there is horrific, deep seeded abuse both internally and externally in my family. Most of it occurred on my father's side. My grandfather was a pedophile. I don't know how many children he abused, or where the abuse started  before him. And when I say horrific, I mean it. I don't know all the details but I know some of my siblings were given drugs while men would come over and rape them. Almost as if they were child prostitutes.

THANK GOD I did not have this happen to me.

So yes, there is the intellectual and systematic reason for why my sister decided to abuse me. And for that reason I have minimized the facts my whole life. But it needed to be called what it was. It was not just "acting out." She was a perpetrator that consciously decided to take advantage of another person.

The Confrontation Itself

Went well. It was anticlimactic but I did get an apology and she accepted responsibility. I understand why it was same sex now–she was abused by an older female cousin.

After I said what I needed to say and she accepted responsibility she said she could explain more about her abuse, and I told her I didn't really care to know at this time.

I told her I didn't want to talk about it further, I don't need to continue the conversation.

I told her if she felt like she needed to do further processing we could discuss it then.

I Still Want Control

For some reason I thought if I did this I would no longer want to be starving myself and controlling my food. But it is not the case.

Part of me knew this would not be the case.

I will do a follow up appointment with my therapist to process the confrontation and explore the control issue. I think being pregnant is definitely a contributing factor to where my head is currently at.

Thursday, June 9, 2016

I Had Another Therapy Appointment

Yay for Therapy. It's sad that I have to pay $$ to feel validated. JUST KIDDING (mostly). 

I think therapy is a very useful thing and I think more people she get it!

I'm actually doing a lot better after yesterday's session

Last week all the emotions came. I did a lot of different ways to process. I was able to discuss things with him, and I'm not feeling as anxious. 

Next Step: Confrontation

And that is the hardest part of this all. My therapist was a little worried that confronting her would be too stressful for my pregnancy. But I think not confronting her would cause even more stress. It needs to happen and my goal is for it to happen in the next two weeks. 

He said I could do it over the phone. Which instantly made me perk up. I really don't feel comfortable doing it in person. I have a hard time seeing her photos pop up on my social media. 

Plus, it's not like I hurt her and am trying to make amends. She hurt me, and I should be able to do it in a less personal way–since I'm the effect of the cause. 

I will have question 

I tried this whole week not to focus on the "why," but I think there are a few things. Like how could you think this was okay, knowing the effects abuse had on you? Did you know you were jump starting my sexuality without my permission? Why same sex abuse? 

Things she needs to know

It was not okay. It jump started my sexuality and has affected that as I've grown. It has made me question my sexual attraction. It has made intimacy with my husband hard a times, that is completely unfair. It affects my relationship with her at this time, and I need a lot of space to let this process. 

Gosh. This is going to be hard. 

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Time To Track Nutrients Again

The past year I have been in survival mode, mostly because of school (oh and that little human I now care for). I have eaten what is convenient, fast and cheap.

Before I got pregnant with this current baby, I FINALLY was losing weight. I had about 20-30 lbs I wanted to lose

But life doesn't always go as planned

In the long run, I'm actually not that made about being pregnant and not being able to lose weight before getting pregnant again. It would have been more ideal, but at least I didn't have to regain all over again.

I don't know my current weight (I was 154 at the start of my pregnancy–go ahead and puke now)/ It would be too much for me to handle. But I have decided to track my intake for the next few weeks to get a rough idea of how I'm doing. Yesterday I under ate (oops).

But at least it will help me try and get balanced nutrients. I want to cut back on sugars and carbs and up protein and good fats (gotta stock up the fat for breast feeding am I right?)


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Monday, June 6, 2016

Processing The Past...


I'm not traumatized by what I'm trying to work through. I'm not having PTSD or crippling flashbacks. What I experienced was mild to the horrors that so many people go through.

How I Do Feel

Angry and resentful. She (yes she) should have known better. She should have thought about what she was doing. She had no right to take advantage of a child (me) like that. She (having experienced abuse herself) should have known it was unfair to do the same thing to someone else (her own sister to make it worse). She should have controlled her own fucking impulses because SHE WAS OLD ENOUGH to consciously know what she was doing.

The Why Doesn't Matter

I've already justified why it happened (and therefore minimized it all) my entire life. So I don't really care why it happened. Bottom line–IT WAS WRONG.

to be continued.

Thursday, June 2, 2016

Need A Release

It's Been A Long Time

Holy cow. I can't believe it's been two years since I have written anything on here. Maybe that means I'm growing up? Or maybe it means I've been buys. (But seriously, no one blogs anymore and it depresses me.)

The Past Two Years

I went back to school
I started going back to school full-time in fall 2014. This was a huge step for me as I essentially quit working and moved in the basement of my families house. 

I had my first child
My husband and I decided to get pregnant the same time I went back to school. . . yeah. There was a plan in place, I would pretty much be done withs school by the time the baby came and all would be well. 

Except I got put on bedrest at 26 weeks and had to drop out of my classes my second semester back. That was discouraging but I made my husband promise me that he would help me get my degree–no matter what!

The baby girl was born a month early and spent 11 days in the NICU. But she is super healthy, smart, and I just love her so much. Motherhood has come very naturally to me. It's not always easy, of course. It is just a different way of living life, but I was ready for it. 

Surprise Baby #2
Okay so things were going great. I stopped nursing. I got back on adderall. And then in February I realized that I was well overdo for my period. I wasn't feeling any different–unlike previous pregnancies where I have had tender boobs, cramping, etc–but I thought, what the heck I'll take a test. 

To my utter dismay my test was POSITIVE. I was very pissed for the first little while. I didn't believe the tests were true until I had it confirmed with a blood test from my doctor. 

But, my husband was excited. And after a few days of being annoyed and a therapy appointment, I have mostly been fine with it. I was just worried this would affect my graduation plan. (Plus, this is what happens when you have sex. Nothing is 100% baby proof except abstinence.)

I Walked In My Graduation in April
I got to walk in my graduation! My husband also walked with his school and it was a glorious day. I can't believe I finally got to do it. The only thing I have left to do until I officially have my degree is finishing an internship (I'm halfway done).

I'm struggling. I've had some things from my past (that I've been avoiding and minimizing) surface. I don't know why it is happening now. I think it is partly triggered from being the weight I am, and not being able to do much about it. I had a visit with my therapist and I'm going back next week. He gave me some assignments but I'm scared to do them.

This is why I'm writing again. I need a place to release my feelings and hope that at least one person out there can relate. I'm so triggered right now. If I wasn't pregnant I would have already been relapsing. Heck, in my mind I'm relapsing, I'm just protecting my mind from my new baby (who, but the way, is another girl).

I'm 22 weeks along right now, and hoping this pregnancy is much smother than last. Last pregnancy I was put on bedrest at 26 weeks. And my very first pregnancy was a tragedy which you can read about here. 

Well that's all for now.