You're not alone

Friday, July 30, 2010

dress in the making

It has been a crazy few weeks for me. Its not an excuse, I owe you all so much more. I've been doing a lot of things wedding related; finding a reception venue, lunch with the inlaws/parents, bridal showers, apartment hunting. On top of it all I've started at the salon and working at my other job. I spend most of my free time with P so I can't really blog on here with him watching. I'm boring you, i know.

So now that the dress is on its way I've grown a little scared. As P lovely put it:

"Hopefully you don't gain 50 pounds before the wedding because that dress is fit for you"

He was just playing, but you know, he he. I'm an anoretic and we take those words a little more seriously than others.

Truthfully, I've put on two pounds. Two pounds too many for me. I went for a hard run today and did some pilates. Starting sunday P and I are going to be eating Extra healthy food before the wedding. I want to have pretty skin, i hate my skin all the time. If I had better control I would have better skin.

I've started to become a little obsessive with my skin care regime. Wash the face with the neutrogena wave sonic, roller stick to try and smooth and lift some rinkles, night cream. Brush teeth, lotion all my skin, scar cream on my ugly scars. Then in the morning I wash my face with cold water and cleanser, and then lotion on my face and all over my skin again. Ha ha. Okay talk about obsession.

So. I am sorry i'm such a lazy person.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Gone into shock

The past week P has been acting like a Butt. Big time.

Here is todays story:

I was on the phone with my sister and she said "I know why P has been giddy."
Me: "Don't tell me anything! I don't want to know!" pause "Did he say something to you?"
Her: "Mom did"
Me: "I don't want to know!"

I came to the conclusion that he asked my Dad to marry me. Then the idea of when he might propose started playing in my head. I debated with myself. It couldn't be soon. He said he was broke. Or was he just saying that to get me off track?

He picked me up from work and we drove to my place to get ready for a hike. We were trying to race the sunset. We drove my awesome scooter to the hiking place and had a grueling hike. Lets just say that I'm getting him a gym pass tomorrow. I nearly dry heaved because I was hiking on an empty stomach, but he needs to get his heart healthy. He was frustrated, I wanted to eat before we got to the top. He wouldn't have it!

So after we ate our food(i had a few chips with salsa, grapes, blueberries and carrots) I asked him to play the song we are going to dance to at the wedding. Then I thought how perfect of a night this would be for him to ask me. But really, that wouldn't happen. He started grabbing my left hand, and then he made a ring out of some grass.

I half expected him to just slip a ring on as he was searching for better grass. But i knew it was just me thinking he could.

He asked me "Mindy, what do you think about us since I've been home?" I evaded the question and mumbled something about a UFO. Then I asked him the same question.

I am so glad he is a forgiving person. Sigh.

So I'm sitting on this mountain trying to tie some silly grass ring on my finger so it won't fall off. He takes it from me and says he'll do it. Then he shifted on his knee and said "its like all old school, brave heart"

I was just letting him do whatever he was doing. Then, he said something and I was like..wait a second...then he said the real thing:

"Mindy will you marry me?"

I said.."Don't tease me". I had a piece of grass on my finger. Then he said.

"I'm not." He pulled out the ring and I tried to hug him and give him a kiss. But he wouldn't let me until I gave him an answer.

oh. I said Yes.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

The Scale

119.2. I was very relieved by this number. Remember a few weeks ago when I asked if I should weigh myself? Yes. I still hadn't done so

But now what? What are my goals? Someone asked my advice on losing some weight with losing 15-20 pounds within 5 weeks. I figured 3 pounds a week would be very possible. If she ate no more than 500 cals a day, alone, she could reach that. But then I told her working out gives her a little more wiggle room. In fact I think its better to switch your intake and avoid too much fasting.

So maybe something like this:
0 - light work out or stretching
400 - 30 min resistance, 30 min cardio
500 - 1 hr cardio, stretching
700 - 45 min resistance, 15 cardio
900 - 1.5 hr cardio
600 - 30 min cardio, 30 min easy resitance/stretching
400 -no work out, or light

300 - 30 min cardio, 30 min easy resitance/stretching
900 - 45 min resistance, 30 min cardio
100 - no workout/or light, or stretching
400 - 1 hr cardio
600 - 30 min resistance, 30 min cardio
900 -1 hr cardio
300 - light resistance, easy cardio

0 - easy day
300 - 30 min easy cardio, 30 min hard cardio
500 - 3o min resistance, 30 min easy cardio
700 - 1 hr cardio
1000 - 45 min hard resistance, 45 cardio
500 - no workout/stretching
500 - 45 min cardio

I'll finish the rest later. I've got to go to the salon

Leggy Blonde

Presenting::::::Camping Fun:::::::::

P's impression of Megan Fox
My impression of Megan Fox
Building a Sand Castle!!
I was very picky with my choice of sand
Ha ha my niece and her butt
two little peas by the lake
getting artistic with my new Camera
I love playing photography
My new niece and I

Sometimes I see myself and feel extremely Fat.
Like today
But then i see a pictures of myself
And wonder who is telling me I don't look okay

Fasting tomorrow with Lyndee. I need to feel control again!

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Thanks for making my Day

For all of you who commented on my last post(and to those who didn't, I know there are many who read) THANKS! I really had a boost in spirits when I got on blogger today.

Plan: Fast tomorrow.

Camping went..shitty. Ha ha. My period started the night we got there(which took longer than it should have because P and I got lost. He he.) It was horrible! I swear. The One period out of the whole year that I actually get physical symptoms(cramps) had to happen on this trip!!

and I ate a ton of crap because I felt like crap. I'm such a lame-o

Not to fret!! The day we returned(last thursday) I got a little more on track. In fact I didn't really have anything to eat at my house, so I ate when P offered me food. My weekend was....


I had to scold P a few times because he was being..spacey. Yes. Spacey. I was getting upset about things and he actually understood and felt bad. I'm not the type of person who tries and create drama, or over reacts. I can admit when I'm wrong, but in this case, I needed him to see that it wasn't my fault. I love him.

I saw my Ex last week. It caused a major mood swing. He was so depressing. I sat there talking to him and just thought "why am I here? he has nothing positive to say". And then a few hours after I felt vunerable, attacked.

Long story short. He wanted me to meet with him face to face and tell me why exactly we couldn't talk to each other anymore. I refused to even talk to him on the phone. I sent him an email. He pissed me off. I hate myself. He makes me think about the person I hated to be.

i'm doing better now. I think.

I went to the Gym yesterday!! Felt so good. Actually i feel really sore now, but if I wasn't such a lazy butt(fat butt) then I wouldn't be!

Other good news: I started a new job today(well its a second job) at a Salon!! I went in for an hour and worked on a manequin head. I have my own designated station already. I didn't even know if I wanted to work here, but I thought, might as well give it a shot. Its so messy in the back. Once I start working as a real stylist I'm going to clean it up for my new boss. She is so gorgeous, and she is a nutritional science major! I love healthy people!!!!!

I don't have much else to say, but I'm going to make a second post later tonight. It will be an excerpt from the journal my therapist suggested I start writing. I have been transfering the entries I made while I was on my trip into the journal. some of the words were very...interesting. Is that weird? A few weeks ago I was very consumed by Ana, and trying to figure out my anoretic self.

The past few days I feel very care free and happy. P told me it was contageous. I want to keep it up!

Monday, July 5, 2010

Jet Lag, Why aren't there any black people in Utah?

I miss Africa. Ugh. I want to be there, not here. And I feel weird that there aren't any black people, call me crazy, but I was very comfortable around them. he he, yesterday I saw this black guy at my church..i just stared at him until he passed by.

I feel fat today. Probably that time of the month soon to hit. Just in time for my camping trip! So convenient.

I went shopping at Costco(huge store where everything is bulk) and got food for the two meals P and I have to serve during our family camping trip. I also bought some razors. OMG. I haven't shaved with a new who knows how long. I can't stop touching myself. he he dirty

I also bought some Acai cleansing pills, I want to see if they make a difference. They say "Cleanse, purify and flush away excess weight". 15 bucks, for two 10 day cleanses. Might as well give it a try.

I want P to talk to my Dad(ask for my hand) while on this camping trip. I doubt it. I thought he was saving money for the ring, but from the information I've gathered, he isn't saving.

I'm trying to be positive. but come on! i thought we could at least have a date set. in my dreams. I'm going to have to find a new apartment to live in if we don't get married soon as I thought. and I thought it because he led me to think it.

Okay we were supposed to leave almost two hours ago, but my ADHD kicked in. I put a lighter patch of brown in my hair, and then I started organizing some stuff. P is asleep on my couch. Neither of us got very good sleep last night. he he. oops.

So I'm afraid to weigh myself... what do you think? Give it a week? I don't think I've gained anything. Before and during my finals I was really stressed and not eating. I got down to 118 or something. Oh! speaking of finals(i don't remember if I mentioned)

Media Writing : A.
Public Relations: B+(i'm really happy about this. I got 100% on the essays on my final exam)

So with those grades, and a 30/30 on this other required thing... I can apply for my major!!! WOOOP

I really need to go. P is going to kill me when he finds out what times it is.

Oh and my plans for this three day camp out: Water water water water water. Water. Food if I have to hike. And I plan to go running every morning.

ook. Love you.

P.S. Ana's Girl: I printed off a few skeleton pictures for reference, I'm going to work on something while I'm away.