You're not alone

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

This post is rated r for racy

I just feel so weird. I need to get my thoughts out of my head.

I made the decision to stay a virgin for a few reason. 1) its the way I was brought up 2) i'm very much afraid of contracting a baby. I've fooled around a little and what not, but never intercourse. P and I got close a couple times. I was never even wanting anything close to sex until I dated J. Two days ago its as though something was turned on in me, a switch was flipped to on. All day yesterday at work I was thinking about J. His body, his beautiful perfect figure. The feeling of his soft skin. The way I feel when he brushes my lips with his.

We met for coffee yesterday and after chatting for about a half hour he said,

"What do you want to do?"
"I have to go to dinner with my fucking family?" I frowned
"Your what?"
"My family"
"I'm pretty sure you didn't say that. But you don't have to leave for a while" I hid my face in his shoulder. "what is it Junebug?"
"I've been wanting to kiss you all day"

And so we found ourselves at his apartment. Yes we kissed. He laughed.
"What?"I said defensively
"I can't tell you" he said smiling
"Dirty thoughts? Yes you can"
"Nope" and for the first time in our relationship he told me a fantasy. I couldn't control myself because this new feeling, whatever was turned on the day before..well it came in full force. I had to go to dinner. That sucked.

When I came back over though..i still felt the same. At first I'll admit I wanted it in the heat of the moment.
"Lets go outside for awhile. Then if you still want to we can" I did. We talked. I still wanted him. I wanted to be closer than I ever have been. These feelings were so new.

"What if I'm bad. What if you don't like me after"
"Baby if you're going to be insecure, then we shouldn't"

Best of all was J. He was in no way pressuring me. He even said before we thought we were going to do it

"Do you have any questions you want to ask me?"
"About what?" I said embarrassed.
"About sex."

Well yeah kind of. We talked for hours. And I thought the talking would bore him. He'd not want to do it with me. And up until the point where it was my less than 30 seconds i would somehow be a woman, i wouldn't hold that title, Virgin, he was patient. He was sexy. He was cute. He was comforting.

I'm leaving out a lot of my night. I chose not to have sex though, and the part of me that made the decision truly does love him. The other part of me couldn't. I felt so insecure. So ugly So fat.

But here I am again today. Thinking about him. Thinking about how he wants me. I'm so fat. He is so skinny. So beautiful. Fuck. I keep thinking about the way he looked at me, the wanting in his eyes and face spoke for the wanting inside of my chest. Fuck fuck fuck. I can't understand everything. I probably sound sooooo stupid right now. I just. Wow I don't know. I feel so strange. I want to throw up. i want to make love to J, and afterward i want to f*ck him. he wants to f*ck me.

please don't read this stupid post.

My sister has been 2 years recoverd from her ED. I hate it. I think she knows about me. I think she'll start watching me more closely. I'm jealous of her. She had so much control. So much better than I was. I was looking at her recovery blog yesterday. I'm a failure. I don't want to become so unhealthy that I have to go to a hospital. This sister used to be a size 20+ and she went annorexic, but because she was so big before you couldn't really tell. Except for her face. She looked so...gaunt. Now she runs ultra marathons. She still has issues with herself. And she has kept her weight off.'

I just bought 'wasted'. I need to read a book like this.


ShrinkingSlowly said...

aWwWwWwWWwww~! J sounds like an amazing bf.

As for the sister thing, maybe you can just start to eat a lot around her. Not high-calorie foods but really low cal foods like salads and some fruits. (1 cup of spinach is like 7 calories).

Stick Thin said...

luckily i don't live with her. but yeah. i ate a lot in front of her yesterday. she is just very Pro Recovery!!! If that makes sense

Steph said...

Awwwww J sounds like such an amazing bf! and to me sex kinda ruins the mystery, so im all with you for staying virgin, i wish i had!

and thanks for the comment, it like made my week knowing that someone thinks im an inspiration (:

stay strong!

Ana's Girl said...

awww. J sounds like the sweetest guy out there. I was brought up to stay a virgin too, but i ended up doing it with my one bf just because he kept pressuring me. I've regretted that ever since. But trust me, it's awesome once you do it because you love the person you're with and because you want to do it. I'm so glad you've got a guy who wants it to be what you want tho. You lucky girl, i'm quite jealous. Lol

Anonymous said...

wow, damn girl. reading your post was like reading a fantasy. j sounds AMAZING. you are soo lucky to have him.

Skinniness said...

Wow, J sounds amazing :) You are so lucky to have somebody like him!

diente de león said...

Ah the famous "Wasted".
Everyone seems to read it. I don't. They don't have it in Germany.

Well ... J.
Well ... Sex. I think we feel a bit ... the same way. At least I can relate to what you wrote.
Not really, though, because I have no J. and I think there are many girls out there who are a bit scared. But have no J.
You are truly lucky to have him.
There's no need to tell you how nice it is that he accepts your decisions. That he's there for you.

From all I have ever read on this blog, I think you and J, that is true love.

And for the "please don't read this mess" bit -
I loved this.
Not only because of how honest you were ... it was also beautifully written.

Good luck with your sister ...