I just feel so weird. I need to get my thoughts out of my head.
I made the decision to stay a virgin for a few reason. 1) its the way I was brought up 2) i'm very much afraid of contracting a baby. I've fooled around a little and what not, but never intercourse. P and I got close a couple times. I was never even wanting anything close to sex until I dated J. Two days ago its as though something was turned on in me, a switch was flipped to on. All day yesterday at work I was thinking about J. His body, his beautiful perfect figure. The feeling of his soft skin. The way I feel when he brushes my lips with his.
We met for coffee yesterday and after chatting for about a half hour he said,
"What do you want to do?"
"I have to go to dinner with my fucking family?" I frowned
"I'm pretty sure you didn't say that. But you don't have to leave for a while" I hid my face in his shoulder. "what is it Junebug?"
"I've been wanting to kiss you all day"
And so we found ourselves at his apartment. Yes we kissed. He laughed.
"What?"I said defensively
"I can't tell you" he said smiling
"Dirty thoughts? Yes you can"
"Nope" and for the first time in our relationship he told me a fantasy. I couldn't control myself because this new feeling, whatever was turned on the day before..well it came in full force. I had to go to dinner. That sucked.
When I came back over though..i still felt the same. At first I'll admit I wanted it in the heat of the moment.
"Lets go outside for awhile. Then if you still want to we can" I did. We talked. I still wanted him. I wanted to be closer than I ever have been. These feelings were so new.
"What if I'm bad. What if you don't like me after"
"Baby if you're going to be insecure, then we shouldn't"
Best of all was J. He was in no way pressuring me. He even said before we thought we were going to do it
"Do you have any questions you want to ask me?"
"About what?" I said embarrassed.
Well yeah kind of. We talked for hours. And I thought the talking would bore him. He'd not want to do it with me. And up until the point where it was my decision..in less than 30 seconds i would somehow be a woman, i wouldn't hold that title, Virgin, he was patient. He was sexy. He was cute. He was comforting.
I'm leaving out a lot of my night. I chose not to have sex though, and the part of me that made the decision truly does love him. The other part of me couldn't. I felt so insecure. So ugly So fat.
But here I am again today. Thinking about him. Thinking about how he wants me. I'm so fat. He is so skinny. So beautiful. Fuck. I keep thinking about the way he looked at me, the wanting in his eyes and face spoke for the wanting inside of my chest. Fuck fuck fuck. I can't understand everything. I probably sound sooooo stupid right now. I just. Wow I don't know. I feel so strange. I want to throw up. i want to make love to J, and afterward i want to f*ck him. he wants to f*ck me.
please don't read this stupid post.
My sister has been 2 years recoverd from her ED. I hate it. I think she knows about me. I think she'll start watching me more closely. I'm jealous of her. She had so much control. So much better than I was. I was looking at her recovery blog yesterday. I'm a failure. I don't want to become so unhealthy that I have to go to a hospital. This sister used to be a size 20+ and she went annorexic, but because she was so big before you couldn't really tell. Except for her face. She looked so...gaunt. Now she runs ultra marathons. She still has issues with herself. And she has kept her weight off.'
I just bought 'wasted'. I need to read a book like this.