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Friday, September 18, 2009

i think its BS

My plan today was going to be good. Wake up in the morning. Get some coffee with J. Go to work for a few hours. Come back and have a fun friday.

Well things change
In less than 10 seconds
I was kick starting my scooter
One kick, Two Kick, Three Kick..Four Bam!
What just happened? Ow My ankle. I'm okay. Nope. Not okay
I was crying when J came back out. My ankle instantly started swelling.
I couldn't walk into the house
J had to carry me

Good thing is that I don't think it broke. But a very bad sprain. I've been icing it. The pain eventually subsided after some IB800. Greens. and Spiked coffee.

I've eaten 600 calories. Right now I feel kind of sick. I don't want to eat anymore today. I don't know how long it will be until I can do cardio. I'm so depressed at the moment because the gym really gives me release.

I believe in God
I don't blame God for things like this
or car wrecks
But sometimes... I just wonder
is this punishment?
am I being tested to see how much I can deal with?
because i'm wearing thin
(figuratively speaking. i am a fat lard)

I want to step it up. I want to just be back down to 120. I will be. I just don't
want to resort to fasting, but sometimes it feels so good. I have a family dinner
sunday. Will i eat? Will I fast the rest of today and tomorrow.

Sorry this post is a downer. I need some uplifting. I'm going to go try and sleep
for a big


ShrinkingSlowly said...

I'm sorry you got hurt. boooo...

I remember I used to get an ankle sprain almost every month during junior high (I was taking dance classes). It hurt like hell, but I got used to it. A friend told me that once your ankle becomes twisted or sprained, it is easier to twist/ sprain it again.

She also told me to try going to an acupuncturist. I was a bit skeptical about her advice, but I didn't have much to lose. The acupuncturist stuck needles on my other leg and some on my hand. He also drained the blood out of my swollen ankle which hurt... a lot. However, my monthly ankle sprains ceased after that. I did twist and sprain my ankle in the future, but it was not a continuous thing.

Sar said...

Aww I'm sorry that sucks about your ankle!! Feel better, and hey, at least it's an excuse to slow down a bit. I believe in God too, and I definitely think he has a reason for this. Stay strong!

Ana's Girl said...

Oh no. That's awful. I hope your ankle gets better soon. Take care of it and keep icing it. Don't do it any more damage by pushing yourself too hard, ok? I totally relate to what you said about God though. A lot of the time, i feel the exact same way.

zipped.lipped said...

Sorry about your ankle. I hope it heals soon so your spirits lift. :-)

obsessionperfection said...

aww its okay that this post was not superrr happy! and i am sorry about your ankle =[ i know it hurts reallly really bad. and i am so happy that i made you smile!=]

you know... about the God thing, i sometimes wonder about that too. i also believe in him=]

about fasting or not... well i guess just go with the flow you know?

=] hope you get better soon!!!!

oh p.s. we lost our football game tonight =[ lol

diente de león said...

I'm sorry your day's been such a downer. But hey it can only get better ... think about the fast and how much weight we'll lose and rewarding yourself ...
things will be okay very soon. and your ankle will be okay, too!
:) Just smile and dont let it get you down, okay?

Brandee said...

so sorry you are hurt hun. Hope J is taking good care of you. Maybe it's time to stop the self loathing (unhealthy dieting).
I have been told God doesn't punish but after a horrific custody battle, bad car wreck with a big rig, relapse in anorexia putting me back in treatment, tremendous back pain lately, losing my job of 9 years and a bunch of other shit going on I often question God myself as a person can only take so much. Then again I am much stronger than 2 years ago and after 20 years I really want recovery so while you and your followers starve and encourage each other to harm yourselves I am further driven to recovery and a healthier lifestyle. Life is too short and can be taken any second. we are not immortal like we think with all our dieting, anorexic glory! It's hideous, sad, dark, and destructive.
Maybe God wanted you to stop hurting yourself with exercise.
Allow J to envelope you with love and care that you so deserve but that anorexia robs you of.