You're not alone

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

bloated no more

I hate when I'm bloated. I look in the mirror and think I'm 200 plus pounds. I can't think about anything else and I get really down.

I looked in the mirror tonight and saw my hip bones. "I can see them again!" I thought. Immediately I wanted to jump on my scale, but i'm at J's apartment. He had just left for work. I sent him a text.

"I think i look skinnier today"
"i was just thinking that earlier today"
"Awe really? i have been bloated the past few days"
"you're pretty though"
"its because i ate gluten and laxatives and shit"
"well it happens everytime :) i'm glad you're feeling better"

Telling J about my eating disorder was really a good decision. When I feel gross and fat and worthless I don't have to keep it in. If I'm in a bad mood about my body I just say "its a fat day", and no more questions are asked.

I stayed at J's place last night while he worked the night shift. I loved waking up with is soft kisses on my shoulder.

I fasted about 20 hours. Then J asked if I could help him make a real dinner. Only after we scrounged up change to get coffee. I got a black coffee while J happily ordered his favorite drink. He was so cute when I told him "i have 5 dollars, do you want a mocha?" "Mocha???!!" He is such a dork when he first wakes up. I decided to make potatoes with lots of onions and a soy pattie. It was going to be an excellent dinner until I accidently dumped(instead of sprinkled) a shit load of oregano all over my creation. I was so upset, wanting to cry. I felt so stupid. J just smiled and help me clean off as much as we could. I hate when I mess up with anything in life, especially when its trying to make J happy. He is so nice though. It was a pretty good dinner. I gave most of it to him, ate mine slowly. I probably had around 500 cals total today. So i'm happy.

I've been reading and watching a lot of things about eating disorders. I've realized I've dealt with mine most my life. My mom was over bearing, my dad absent most my life. I can't control everything i want to control in my life, but I can control my weight. So i go crazy when I'm out of control with that. gah. anyway

Thanks for your comments everyone! Stay strong. Tomorrow I'm hoping to fast again. Maybe a few liquids.



Steph said...

Awww J sounds so great! And yay for hip bones!! I can just barellyyy see mine ):

And thank ya for the lovely comment (: I do that too with calories sometimes and they look at me funny, or hit me(my friend actually hit my head, it hurt). haha (:

stay strong!

diente de león said...

Why is it that I cannot stop smiling when I read your posts?

One day I'll come and steal J from you. Haha.

Sorry if I sounded annoyed or a bit rude in my latest post about IGH, I didn#t mean to. I just thought I#d better explain what its really like.

And I think you're amazing, too!
I really do!


Ana's Girl said...

Aww J is just the sweetest guy. I'm so glad he's so understanding and supportive of you :)

Good luck with tomorrow's fast. I'm sure you'll do great.

ShrinkingSlowly said...

Yeah for hip bones! I'm happy for u!

btw. It's awesome that J doesn't pressure you about your eating habits. He sounds like a keeper.

sorry_i_can't_be_perfect said...

j sounds great. i'm so happy for you that you're happy. you sound so relaxed and loved.
hipbones are like the single sexiest thing on this earth. i'm so proud of you for getting to that stage of seeing them. :)
you're awsome!!! x

*Princess*Smile* said...

wooo glad u can see yur hip-bones again!

J sounds f-ing adoarble :)

Keep up the good work