I looked in the mirror tonight and saw my hip bones. "I can see them again!" I thought. Immediately I wanted to jump on my scale, but i'm at J's apartment. He had just left for work. I sent him a text.
"I think i look skinnier today"
"i was just thinking that earlier today"
"Awe really? i have been bloated the past few days"
"you're pretty though"
"its because i ate gluten and laxatives and shit"
"well it happens everytime :) i'm glad you're feeling better"
Telling J about my eating disorder was really a good decision. When I feel gross and fat and worthless I don't have to keep it in. If I'm in a bad mood about my body I just say "its a fat day", and no more questions are asked.
I stayed at J's place last night while he worked the night shift. I loved waking up with is soft kisses on my shoulder.
I fasted about 20 hours. Then J asked if I could help him make a real dinner. Only after we scrounged up change to get coffee. I got a black coffee while J happily ordered his favorite drink. He was so cute when I told him "i have 5 dollars, do you want a mocha?" "Mocha???!!" He is such a dork when he first wakes up. I decided to make potatoes with lots of onions and a soy pattie. It was going to be an excellent dinner until I accidently dumped(instead of sprinkled) a shit load of oregano all over my creation. I was so upset, wanting to cry. I felt so stupid. J just smiled and help me clean off as much as we could. I hate when I mess up with anything in life, especially when its trying to make J happy. He is so nice though. It was a pretty good dinner. I gave most of it to him, ate mine slowly. I probably had around 500 cals total today. So i'm happy.
I've been reading and watching a lot of things about eating disorders. I've realized I've dealt with mine most my life. My mom was over bearing, my dad absent most my life. I can't control everything i want to control in my life, but I can control my weight. So i go crazy when I'm out of control with that. gah. anyway
Thanks for your comments everyone! Stay strong. Tomorrow I'm hoping to fast again. Maybe a few liquids.