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Wednesday, October 7, 2009

staying Focused



The pictures above were me around my lowest weight. I loved my arms back then. It frustrates the hell out of me because my arms take FOREVER to slim down/tone up. Ah well. All in due time. These pictures keep me motivated. I know I've been there once. I can get there again.

And I'm on my way there already

So yesterday I went to the gym as I said I would.
I did 30 minutes of weights
Triceps, biceps
lower back, obliques
circuit, no stopping
I still can't do cardio because of my ankle
but I'm going to keep going to the gym/ doing stuff at home

J and I had a really bonding night last night. I made us some veggie tofu stirfry, i ate about 3 bites before feeling full(which blew my mind) We almost made love, but I was too scared. I'm not ready, I know it. I felt sick to the stomach. My throat was all gross. I went to the bathroom and purged a little to get the gunk out. Then we were outside and I said I'm a horrible girlfriend.

"Whats worse than being a horrible girlfriend, which you aren't, is you putting yourself down"
"I want to throw up"
"Want or need?"
"Want. I feel so gross, my stomach hurts"
"Will you eat after?"
"No I don't want more food"
"Then I'm not going to let you"
"It hurts"I started rocking back and forth.
"Well do what you gotta do. Doesn't make me happy, but if it makes you feel better I'm not going to stop you"

I walked into the bathroom, turned on the sink and spit up more gunk, a little bit of the 3 bites of stir fry. I did feel better. Then we watched some episodes of the show "Its always sunny in Philadelphia(so funny)" He knew I was upset and he wasn't going to let me hide my head this time.

"Why would you say you are a bad girlfriend?"
"I feel like I disapoint you"
"How? With sex"
Shake my head yes. He forces me to face him, lifts my chin up.
"You are worrying about it too much. I think you have formed what you believe to be my expectations for us. Sweety, I don't need to have sex with you to know I love you. If you want to tone things back okay, if you want to go further, okay. I don't want you to do anything you don't want to do"
I wanted to cry.
"What else?"
"I'm sorry I put myself down"
"I am sorry that you don't see yourself as I see you. You are beautiful, gorgeous. I can see and feel your hipbones, and your rib cage. and well, your breasts are nice as always"
"I just feel so insecure next to you."
"you're beautiful"
"i'm sorry i threw up here"
"? as opposed to throwing up at your house? I just don't want you to keep it up. I just worry because you said you were throwing up a lot last week. Just be careful baby."
"I won't keep it up. I've been doing a lot better"

He. Is. Wow. The most understanding person in the whole world.

Today I'll be fasting again. Although veggie/tofu stir fry is a pretty low cal dinner. I mean for real. When I do decide to eat again and not feel like throwing it up, I'll probably eat that.

I won't know my weight until friday but I def look thinner. My stomach is flatter.

I feel pretty sick though. My throat is all gunked up. Bleh. I'll take some get well pills. Unfortunately I must go for now. I love you all. Thanks for being a support. 27 more followers and i'll post an updated photo of me

and by then I'll be under 120

11 comments:

ana_bella said...

wow you got so skinny I hope I can get back to looking like that too! :)

Sottile said...

Your boyfriend sounds amazing! It must be so nice to have a guy that you know will love you no matter what. And you look awesome in those old pictures! I am sure it will be the perfect thinspo for you to reach that weight again!

Ellen said...

you look amazing in your pics! and it seems like you're well on your way to being there again :) keep up the good work at the gym!!

Skinniness said...

Wow, your boyfriend sounds absolutely amazing! I wish I had somebody like him.
You look absolutely lovely at the pictures! Your stomach is soo flat! And your hips are tiny, and you arm too! I know you can get there again. Stay strong <3

SBB said...

He is... wow. But you already know that =P!!
Your body looks so hott in those pics, def. loving your arms. Those pictures would be motivational to anyone! What was your lowest weight?
Keep at it hun!
xo

Fallen-Angel said...

Can I have him? :(
I wish I had a boy who could understand me. My boyfriend just gets stressy when we don't have sex.

Lush pics by the way, gorgeous :D

*Princess*Smile* said...

I wish I could meet a guy who said he loved me and didnt expect sex in return, geeez I have dated some ass-holes! but your boyfriends sounds perfect, your lucky you found him!
& wow, total jealous them pics are brilliant,u wil b their again in no time girl, keep up the good work! but don't purge to much :(
x

Sarah. said...

Those pics are absolutely flawless!
And J sounds wonderful, he's definitely a keeper! But dont do anything with him sexually until you know for sure that you're ready.
Xo

Stella Starver said...

Those pics of you are amazing. You'll get there in no time. As for the boys, you know how to pick them!

xoxo

diente de león said...

I love your relationship.
He is so good for you. Make sure you never lose him. It'd be horrible. I dont want to read your blog without seein a "J" and nice words after that.
he's bloody skinny, though, i understand why you must feel insecure - at the same time i dont because your boody looks nice enough. why cant we see your face, though? haha.

Sar said...

I love your pics..you looked great, probably still do! Stay strong!! xo