staying Focused

The pictures above were me around my lowest weight. I loved my arms back then. It frustrates the hell out of me because my arms take FOREVER to slim down/tone up. Ah well. All in due time. These pictures keep me motivated. I know I've been there once. I can get there again.

And I'm on my way there already

So yesterday I went to the gym as I said I would.

I did 30 minutes of weights

Triceps, biceps

lower back, obliques

circuit, no stopping

I still can't do cardio because of my ankle

but I'm going to keep going to the gym/ doing stuff at home

J and I had a really bonding night last night. I made us some veggie tofu stirfry, i ate about 3 bites before feeling full(which blew my mind) We almost made love, but I was too scared. I'm not ready, I know it. I felt sick to the stomach. My throat was all gross. I went to the bathroom and purged a little to get the gunk out. Then we were outside and I said I'm a horrible girlfriend.

"Whats worse than being a horrible girlfriend, which you aren't, is you putting yourself down"

"I want to throw up"

"Want or need?"

"Want. I feel so gross, my stomach hurts"

"Will you eat after?"

"No I don't want more food"

"Then I'm not going to let you"

"It hurts"I started rocking back and forth.

"Well do what you gotta do. Doesn't make me happy, but if it makes you feel better I'm not going to stop you"

I walked into the bathroom, turned on the sink and spit up more gunk, a little bit of the 3 bites of stir fry. I did feel better. Then we watched some episodes of the show "Its always sunny in Philadelphia(so funny)" He knew I was upset and he wasn't going to let me hide my head this time.

"Why would you say you are a bad girlfriend?"

"I feel like I disapoint you"

"How? With sex"

Shake my head yes. He forces me to face him, lifts my chin up.

"You are worrying about it too much. I think you have formed what you believe to be my expectations for us. Sweety, I don't need to have sex with you to know I love you. If you want to tone things back okay, if you want to go further, okay. I don't want you to do anything you don't want to do"

I wanted to cry.

"What else?"

"I'm sorry I put myself down"

"I am sorry that you don't see yourself as I see you. You are beautiful, gorgeous. I can see and feel your hipbones, and your rib cage. and well, your breasts are nice as always"

"I just feel so insecure next to you."

"you're beautiful"

"i'm sorry i threw up here"

"? as opposed to throwing up at your house? I just don't want you to keep it up. I just worry because you said you were throwing up a lot last week. Just be careful baby."

"I won't keep it up. I've been doing a lot better"

He. Is. Wow. The most understanding person in the whole world.

Today I'll be fasting again. Although veggie/tofu stir fry is a pretty low cal dinner. I mean for real. When I do decide to eat again and not feel like throwing it up, I'll probably eat that.

I won't know my weight until friday but I def look thinner. My stomach is flatter.

I feel pretty sick though. My throat is all gunked up. Bleh. I'll take some get well pills. Unfortunately I must go for now. I love you all. Thanks for being a support. 27 more followers and i'll post an updated photo of me

and by then I'll be under 120