You're not alone

Thursday, October 1, 2009

I'm still breathing

Big sorry. I miss you all. I've been trying to catch up with blogs.

I'm proud of myself for the following situation last night:

I went to dinner with my Dad and Sister. I'd been purging(not necessarily bingeing) for the past three days. I was scared to eat out. I ordered Mineral water, it will fill me up more. We ordered these fried zucchini things. I ate one and a half. Then we ordered. I ordered a veggie burger with fruit. I ate the fruit. Picked at the burger. My Dad asked if I wanted to take it home, as I hadn't touched it. My mind thought if i eat any of this burger I'll go straight home and purge, I don't want to purge. I had no one pressuring me into eating it, I'd been eating the whole time, very slowly. So I put it in a box and gave it to my sister.

I fought the urge to purge anyway. I called J and he came over. I told him what was up.
i'm trying to convince myself not to throw up
You don't need to
I've been throwing up the past few days
Because you were sick?
You've been sticking your finger down your throat?
[i shake my head]
[he pulls me into him]
give me a kiss baby

I feel like a failure that I was purging everything up. I think I went a little manic. I'd forgot to take my meds for a few days. I took them yesterday and today and I'm feeling a lot more level headed. So I'm really sorry for being a failure regardless. I hope i still have followers

My Mom called me to set up the whole clothes shopping trip. I told her I didn't want to go. I hate the way I look in clothes. "you don't have a reason to be". I just want to hide in t-shirts and jeans. She wants to take me in a few weeks. Maybe I'll feel better about it. I wish I could give my clothes to a few of my followers. They'd look so much better in it.

Okay happy time: I:M MOVING INTO MY NEW APARTMENT TOMORROW! I can't wait. I've been loading up my car all night. I also dyed my hair a few days ago. I stayed strong today, didn't even think about purging. Stayed around 700 cal intake. Tomorrow I want to fast and should be able to. I'm staring at the cutest boy in the world. I want to kiss him. So I'll talk to you all(I hope, if you still want to support the loser) soon!!



Fallen-Angel said...

Yay! you're back :D
Argh, I know how you feel. I get manic like that somtimes too.
Good luck with the appartment :)

Sar said...

Hey there, I am glad you are back too! I like your blog, and I like your writing, and you are NOT a loser : ) I bet your hair looks awesome!! xo

*Princess*Smile* said...

Hey, Also glad your back :)
hope the new appartment is niceee!

Brandee said...

Hey hun. Don't be so hard on yourself. I didn't blog for 10 days because I was having a rough time but was able to see my dietician and therapist which really helps so I am back on track for recovery. It's a tough road but 20 years of anorexia was such a waste of life.
I will continue to encourage you to break the cycle when you are ready. You have a man who loves you a job, friends. Now it's time to take time for you and deal with what is driving your eating disorder~

Flushed said...

Wow! I'm right there with ya on being proud of you!! It takes sooo much strength to be able to do what you did! And you guy is amazing as well, it's wonderful that you have somebody like him :)

CONGRATS x's 100 on your new apartment! How exciting!!! Yay Stick Thin!!!