i am strong

Yesterday was amazing.  I got in another fight with J two days ago.  Its ridiculous.  We fixed things eventually(for now) but something he said to me hit me yesterday "Wake Up"  We were talking about my ED and how I just don't like myself at all.  How I am tired of fighting myself for acceptance, "Wake up" He said.

I did wake up yesterday.  I don't know if any of you remember A, the D-bag that tried to get up in my pants last week.  It seems that for the past year and a half I've confided in people like him.  People that I think I can trust, and in some way I get manipulated into Believing I NEED them.  I can't forget them.  I woke up yesterday.  I realized, I DON'T need him anymore.  I told him that too.  I said "I'm leaving everyone, no not killing myself, I'm just going to take charge of my life".  I am a strong woman.  I hope to continue this feeling of Strength and Courage.

I'm also feeling better with my control.  I was b/p and abusing laxatives again.  But since the beginning of this week I took a look at myself, at the way I've been behaving.  It is not how I want to do things.  Restriction is one thing, purging, bingeing.. I will not put my body through this.  I need to start thinking when I eat, and really listening to my body.  I am always sick and its mostly my fault.  I am strong though because I've been going to the gym everyday, I've been weight lifting, trying to get to bed at a decent time. 

Anyway I gained like 4 pounds the past little while, but this morning I got on the scale this morning, afraid, but pleasantly surprised by my results... and I'm back down to an acceptable weight.  I know I'll be back down soon. 

Thanks for reading.  I hope everyone knows they are worth something( i have to tell myself that everyday whether I believe it or not)