You're not alone

Saturday, August 8, 2009

numb but there is a light at the end

it went down like this:

thursday i was depressed.  i couldn't pinpoint exactly what it was.  was this real depression?  wanting to cut. all day.  I was afraid to be alone.  I didn't want to go back to cutting.  I promised myself I wouldn't.  I went to a bbq at a friends house, it was so good to see old friends, but in my head I was dreading going home.  I've been reading this book called Impulse and one of the characters in the book is a cutter.  It made me want to release.  I got home and went to find my hair cutting tools.  NO, not to hurt myself.  But I totally cut my hair.  Honestly I look a lot better with it short, and i feel a lot more confident, like myself.  

I went to J's apartment to show him my hair.  He still thought I was cute.  We stayed up super late, I was sore and my stomach hurt.   While he was getting ready for bed I started crying, the type of crying that doesn't have tears.  I pulled myself together before he came to bed.  I don't remember what/if anything was said but I cried.  Hard.  He just held me.  And then we talked about maybe why i was down.  I told him how I wanted to cut all day, but didn't give in to the urge.  

Friday:  Great day at the salon.  I had a walk in, made a little money.  My fellow stylist fixed up my hair.  I ate way too much yesterday, I felt like shit.  I went to the gym, but they closed before I could do as much as I wanted.  I'd plan to go 3 hours but only was able to do a little more than an hour.  I went home, finished reading the book(which by the way has a beautiful ending and i loved it, emotional).  Then I frantically searched for my straight edge razor.  I'd used it on a photo shoot to clean up my hair.  I looked through my make up, hair supplies, no luck.  I decided I'd break apart my shaving razor and use one of those blades.  But where would i cut?  my wrist with the tattoo was a no go(Hey remember how that tattoo is supposed to stop you from cutting?).  I didn't want to cut my right arm. I didn't want new scars.  So, just below my elbow I reopened a scar.  Not too deep, just enough to bleed.  I took a shower and let it flow.  I went back and cut into it again.  

Today:  I don't feel guilt.  I feel better.  My arm hurts now and then, a comforting feeling.  I'm drained physically and emotionally.  I made some money today, and i've gone to the gym.  I feel like I will get better too. I know this sounds like a really depressing post, but there is light at the end of this shitty tunnel.  I will survive.  I've been reading a lot of books, and all of them have had some sort of survival.  After I cut last night I got this feeling, that things would be better.  J said to me "it seems like you've had to go through a lot of crud lately"  Its because I have, but I'm going to be okay.  I don't know when things will ease up, but they will.  

So if you've read this post thank  you.  I love you for reading it I know its long.  If you stopped reading it than I hope you'll read my happier posts.   


Anonymous said...

Wow, you poor thing. I'm glad you see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and there is. I believe so too. Sometimes its hard, and sometimes we drift through life zombie-like and unknowingly, but things do get better and they always will. Thank you for your comment. It meant a lot to me, girl. <3

sorry_i_can't_be_perfect said...

hey, i can finnally read your blogs :)

aw sweetie, there is definetly a light at the end of the tunnel.i'm glad you're feeling better and everything will turn out good. just keep strong.
you know we're all here for you!
xxx <3