thursday i was depressed. i couldn't pinpoint exactly what it was. was this real depression? wanting to cut. all day. I was afraid to be alone. I didn't want to go back to cutting. I promised myself I wouldn't. I went to a bbq at a friends house, it was so good to see old friends, but in my head I was dreading going home. I've been reading this book called Impulse and one of the characters in the book is a cutter. It made me want to release. I got home and went to find my hair cutting tools. NO, not to hurt myself. But I totally cut my hair. Honestly I look a lot better with it short, and i feel a lot more confident, like myself.
I went to J's apartment to show him my hair. He still thought I was cute. We stayed up super late, I was sore and my stomach hurt. While he was getting ready for bed I started crying, the type of crying that doesn't have tears. I pulled myself together before he came to bed. I don't remember what/if anything was said but I cried. Hard. He just held me. And then we talked about maybe why i was down. I told him how I wanted to cut all day, but didn't give in to the urge.
Friday: Great day at the salon. I had a walk in, made a little money. My fellow stylist fixed up my hair. I ate way too much yesterday, I felt like shit. I went to the gym, but they closed before I could do as much as I wanted. I'd plan to go 3 hours but only was able to do a little more than an hour. I went home, finished reading the book(which by the way has a beautiful ending and i loved it, emotional). Then I frantically searched for my straight edge razor. I'd used it on a photo shoot to clean up my hair. I looked through my make up, hair supplies, no luck. I decided I'd break apart my shaving razor and use one of those blades. But where would i cut? my wrist with the tattoo was a no go(Hey remember how that tattoo is supposed to stop you from cutting?). I didn't want to cut my right arm. I didn't want new scars. So, just below my elbow I reopened a scar. Not too deep, just enough to bleed. I took a shower and let it flow. I went back and cut into it again.
Today: I don't feel guilt. I feel better. My arm hurts now and then, a comforting feeling. I'm drained physically and emotionally. I made some money today, and i've gone to the gym. I feel like I will get better too. I know this sounds like a really depressing post, but there is light at the end of this shitty tunnel. I will survive. I've been reading a lot of books, and all of them have had some sort of survival. After I cut last night I got this feeling, that things would be better. J said to me "it seems like you've had to go through a lot of crud lately" Its because I have, but I'm going to be okay. I don't know when things will ease up, but they will.
So if you've read this post thank you. I love you for reading it I know its long. If you stopped reading it than I hope you'll read my happier posts.