You're not alone

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Last time I checked NO MEANS NO!

Fuck. Last night my male friend, A, was feeling really depressed. Talking suicidal and crap. Which he does often, but for some reason i was more concerned last night. I think part of it was that last week I was feeling really sick and alone and at 3 in the morning he offered to come over and keep me company. So maybe I wanted to return the favor? He told me he was really horny before I came over, and I said as long as he was sober it would be fine. I knew we would kiss. Both of us had had sexy dreams about each other, and out of curiosity I allowed him to kiss me. But right away he was already trying to get in my pants, up my shirt. I stopped him over and over again. I was like 'holy shit i'm about to cry'. He kept pulling my shirt up and finally I said "dude i'm not taking my shirt off in your front room" his response "do you want me to take you to the bedroom?" FUCK NO!!! I would have left, but he had picked me up. He felt stupid that he couldn't turn me on enough to let him do anything. Do you want to know what it was? He wasn't gentle with me. I didn't feel like I was pretty, I just felt like some slut girl. Which I'm not, and that is why I didn't let anything happen. I'm really self concious, when it comes to physicalness with another I usually don't like it.(i used that as an excuse on the drive home so he wouldn't keep trying to hold my hand)

A. isn't a fat guy. He is probably the biggest person I've ever made out with though. I didn't like that either with the fact that he wasn't gentle with me. I felt like a little rag doll. It made me wonder if thats how J or P felt when we kissed. Like I was a big whale. Gross. Ok last night is now in my past.

Moving on: Today I've had maybe 100 cal in liquids. I feel great though. I forget how wonderful it feels when you have an empty stomach. I'm sure most of you have expreienced the "High". J talked to me last night about my ED. He said I should maybe write up a healthy meal plan to follow everyday. I wouldn't have to eat a ton, but just some sort of balanced diet. He was concerend about my fasting. After a long conversation he answered it himself by saying to me "I can't really give advice, tell, or ask anything. I eat when I'm hungry, which is rare. Lately its been a once a day thing." So i poo poo his concern. I'm going to not eat very much at all ever.

I gained a couple pounds. I'm assuming its because of being really sick, not eating or drinking anything, and now that I'm drinking..and kind of eating again I gained some weight back. No matter. It was needed to recover. It will be gone within the next few days :)

I think my plan for the rest of this week is mostly liquids/fasting. If I eat it will be when I'm around suspicious people(mostly just J I think). If I do I'll eat less than half on the plate. I'll chew each bite 20 times and drink lots of water in between. If I want to eat when I'm alone I'll write in my journal/blog, or read a book, or go for a walk, or clean, or workout(distract myself :)) Yet I feel as though I shouldn't need to distract myself. Especially when I have that control that is getting stronger and stronger. I'm going to start everyday off looking at the mirror and saying "be strong today, because if you are then you are one step closer to being happier" I'm also thinking up some reward system for losing weight.

Stay tuned for thinspo later today :)


Anonymous said...

Wow @ last night. Like that is so.. wrong. It's one thing to be intimate but another to feel used. I totally know what you mean like you felt like some "slut girl".. It's supposed to be special and sweet. Everytime. Even at its raunchiest. You can feel the intimacy in their touch. Ugh. Stupid boy.

I feel so happy for you that you got this amazing control back. I am SO jealous. It must feel amazing. I want to be where you are! You got a good plan mapped out, now put er into action. I know you can do it! <3

diente de león said...

A. ... well ... what can i say. I know those kind of blokes. And I don't really like them.
I know they can be really good mates but as soon as it comes to girls they should know better.
I am sure you are not big huge whale at all, so don't worry.
But making out with huge big whales is weird, isn't it? Since you don't want to be fat yourself ...
And a man has to be gentle. There's nothing wrong with being wild and crazy in the bedroom, but you can always make a girl feel god and ladylike and beautiful, no matter how much you play with the fire. No matte how aware you are of the fact that it could be a one time thing. That was wrong of him.
And I am proud of you for not letting him get in your pants.
Its nice that you can talk about your ED with J.
Most people cannot "talk" about it.

Oh, and something else ...
I appreciate you.
I just wanted to let you know that ... dunno. I come and go and often I don't even have time to reply to your comments but you always read my blog. And that makes me happy. I really do appreciate you :)

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