Fuck. Last night my male friend, A, was feeling really depressed. Talking suicidal and crap. Which he does often, but for some reason i was more concerned last night. I think part of it was that last week I was feeling really sick and alone and at 3 in the morning he offered to come over and keep me company. So maybe I wanted to return the favor? He told me he was really horny before I came over, and I said as long as he was sober it would be fine. I knew we would kiss. Both of us had had sexy dreams about each other, and out of curiosity I allowed him to kiss me. But right away he was already trying to get in my pants, up my shirt. I stopped him over and over again. I was like 'holy shit i'm about to cry'. He kept pulling my shirt up and finally I said "dude i'm not taking my shirt off in your front room" his response "do you want me to take you to the bedroom?" FUCK NO!!! I would have left, but he had picked me up. He felt stupid that he couldn't turn me on enough to let him do anything. Do you want to know what it was? He wasn't gentle with me. I didn't feel like I was pretty, I just felt like some slut girl. Which I'm not, and that is why I didn't let anything happen. I'm really self concious, when it comes to physicalness with another I usually don't like it.(i used that as an excuse on the drive home so he wouldn't keep trying to hold my hand)
A. isn't a fat guy. He is probably the biggest person I've ever made out with though. I didn't like that either with the fact that he wasn't gentle with me. I felt like a little rag doll. It made me wonder if thats how J or P felt when we kissed. Like I was a big whale. Gross. Ok last night is now in my past.
Moving on: Today I've had maybe 100 cal in liquids. I feel great though. I forget how wonderful it feels when you have an empty stomach. I'm sure most of you have expreienced the "High". J talked to me last night about my ED. He said I should maybe write up a healthy meal plan to follow everyday. I wouldn't have to eat a ton, but just some sort of balanced diet. He was concerend about my fasting. After a long conversation he answered it himself by saying to me "I can't really give advice, tell, or ask anything. I eat when I'm hungry, which is rare. Lately its been a once a day thing." So i poo poo his concern. I'm going to not eat very much at all ever.
I gained a couple pounds. I'm assuming its because of being really sick, not eating or drinking anything, and now that I'm drinking..and kind of eating again I gained some weight back. No matter. It was needed to recover. It will be gone within the next few days :)
I think my plan for the rest of this week is mostly liquids/fasting. If I eat it will be when I'm around suspicious people(mostly just J I think). If I do I'll eat less than half on the plate. I'll chew each bite 20 times and drink lots of water in between. If I want to eat when I'm alone I'll write in my journal/blog, or read a book, or go for a walk, or clean, or workout(distract myself :)) Yet I feel as though I shouldn't need to distract myself. Especially when I have that control that is getting stronger and stronger. I'm going to start everyday off looking at the mirror and saying "be strong today, because if you are then you are one step closer to being happier" I'm also thinking up some reward system for losing weight.
Stay tuned for thinspo later today :)