I need a break

Monday was the break up. Monday night. Tuesday day. Tears non stop. Last night my ..ex.. got to oregon(I was supposed to go on the trip with him). He sent me a text "Excuse me if I'm out of line for saying this, but I let you go too easy. I usually never give up on things like that. Its filling me up with a lot of regret" I told him that yesterday morning I wanted to hug him, but I could barely look at him because I'd start crying again. "I wanted to kiss you. I don't have a clear memory of our last kiss. I wanted to ask you to come with me anyway. I probably would have cried the whole time with you holding on to me(we were going to take is bike)" And he forgot his phone charger so we have been sending each other random texts. He said he might call me tonight on his friends phone. I really am so confused. I love him. I feel disfunctional. He told me he wishes I were with him. I looked at buying a flight. No money. Bleh.

So I'm going to go camping by myself for two days. It will be by my parents house, on the beach. But I told my mom I want to be alone. I'm not going to eat anything either. I get off work in about an hour and I'm going to go buy a few different kinds of coffee, a coffee press, some sunscreen. After that I'm going to go do my sisters hair, go for a run with her. She told me I can stay for dinner(i'm not eating) and at first I was riffling through excuses, but now I have one. I'm going to leave tonight. Hopefully I can get into the camping site, if not I'll just stay in a cabin at my parents until the morning.

I'm sick of complaining. I am so selfish. I complain about my horendus body and how much I hate it. For that I apologize. I'm doing a lot better with control as opposed to a few months ago. But I have to do even BETTER. I have to step it up. If I really want to be perfect, and thin. So I am not going to eat this weekend. I'm not going to look like a fat mess when my ex comes back on sunday. I'm not going to complain about my fatness. I'm going to get rid of it.

While I'm camping I'm going to also go running and swimming. I don't care if anyone sees my ugly body. I don't know them. I'm going to read books. listen to music. Drink water, coffee, cry, sleep. I don't care. Anything to get away from people. Anything to lose a few pounds. I really need this. I need some R&R of solitude. Hopefully it will prepare me for when J gets back on sunday. I've no idea whats going to happen. I do know that I'll be a few pounds lighter. I won't be posting until saturday. I love you all. Thanks for your support. Stay strong!!!