You're not alone

Sunday, July 12, 2009

I've missed you all!

So I left wednesday night to go camping by myself.  It was indeed what I needed to pull  myself back together.  I had a fun time setting up my tent in the dark, but I was excited to finally be alone.  Thursday morning I woke up and went for an hour and a half run.  I returned to my camp and waited for the sun to heat up.  I spent most of the day by the water.  I swam a few times, drying off and reading inbetween.  I applied sunscreen continuoulsy but managed to forget random places on my body.  It took me forever to get a fire started that night.  In defeat and frustration I thought "fuck it" and kicked the wood together.  Then i noticed the fire started to go! Ha Ha.  I played my guitar until I ran out of wood and went to bed.  I slept soundly.

  So to avoid further burning I decided against going swimming on friday and instead drove to a touristy town near my camp and saw a movie, bought more wood, determined to make a better fire than the night before.  I went on a shorter run before I decided to make my fire.  I started to get a head ache.   I had bought an apple and decided to bake it in the hot wood.  After eating it and drinking some coffee I got a major head ache.  I realized I hadn't had enough water that day, but soon after the migraine my stomach started hurting.  I tried to fall asleep, but drunken neighbors kept me awake.  I went to the bathrooms and made myself throw up(I knew it was going to come up eventually).  I still felt so ill so I asked my ex if he would call me. I just was worried not knowing what to do.  I knew he couldn't do anything to help but it was distracting of my sickness.  We got off the phone and I leaned out my tent and threw up again.  This time tasting bile.  They locked the gates at 10:00 but I still tried to drive out, I planned to go to my parents.  But to no avail.  When I got back to my camp I laid my car seat back and held my stomach.  It was much quieter in my car.  I wanted to kill my neighbors.  I brought my sleeping bag into my car and finally fell asleep.

Yesterday I was planning on packing up camp and swimming for a few hours, but it was windy and cloudy.  So I drove to my parents and dropped off the camping supplies.  Anxious to get home and get ready for the show I'd be playing.  I was scared to weigh myself.  I had found food to eat here and there the past couple days but I was still anxious.  I was 133-134 when I left.  After taking a shower I stepped on the scale.  129.4.  Satisfied that I was under 130 again I decided I should eat something a little nutritional.  It resulted in a binge and followed with a purge.  Very disappointed in myself I wanted to cry.  Crying would do nothing.  I found my skinny jeans that I bought a few months back.  "I should have already been able to fit in these by now.  If I only would control myself"  I struggled with the first pair and threw them at the wall.  The other pair I could get on, and am currently wearing :).  I am going to continue with new vigor.  

My lifestyle is a sacrifice.  Its not easy to have the will power to deny yourself of what your body "needs".  I've done it before though, and so many of you girls are so strong.  I feel worthless.  Self absorbed with my own failure.  No more.  I'm staying strong.  For me, for you, for anyone.  I don't want to be a failure.  I am getting back to a happier weight.  I am going to continue losing.  Stay strong ladies.   I know we all go through hard times, we all live different lifestyles.  But truly I understand how most of you feel.  We are all striving for the same thing, prefection, thiness, beauty, being a size 0, whatever you want to claim.  I know I feel so alone at times.  I feel bad that I've secluded myself from my friends, faimly, and lovers.  But its just part of the sacrifice.  I can't give up my control, not even to myself.  I'm happier this way.  



Matilda B. said...

aww i've wanted to go camping for sooo loonng! but haven't been able to.. booho! :(
god you got me worried girl! are you okay now? :S i hope so, i really do!! and yes i mean it's hard... but we gotta do what we gotta do... and that's what we're here for! we're not alone... we understand each other right! :) so stay strong sweety! And don't feel lonely, i mean i do sometimes, but then i remember all of you and how you're the only ones who TRULY understand me! and that comforts me in a way! :)

diente de león said...

oh my god ... i feel very sorry for you right now, to be honest. that first day sounded awesome and I thought "oh good, that's what she needed, guitar, swimming and fire" but those next two days ... i hope you're alright now? Please tell us you're okay, i don't know why but i think matilda is right - that post really does worry a bit.
at least you fit into those jeans now ... and you will soon fit into the other pair, too.
just wait. we'll do our big fat fatburnthingie this month and then we'll be gorgous.
I know ... you#re right. Whatever we say ... we all want to be a size 0.
and we will be.

Anonymous said...

that last part of your blog was so inspiring.
it just made me wanna do good so i can get to my ideal size. i want to see 129.4 SOO bad. so bad. i cant wait til i get my bloodwork done. i want to see 110.
we can do this.
i can do this.