So to avoid further burning I decided against going swimming on friday and instead drove to a touristy town near my camp and saw a movie, bought more wood, determined to make a better fire than the night before. I went on a shorter run before I decided to make my fire. I started to get a head ache. I had bought an apple and decided to bake it in the hot wood. After eating it and drinking some coffee I got a major head ache. I realized I hadn't had enough water that day, but soon after the migraine my stomach started hurting. I tried to fall asleep, but drunken neighbors kept me awake. I went to the bathrooms and made myself throw up(I knew it was going to come up eventually). I still felt so ill so I asked my ex if he would call me. I just was worried not knowing what to do. I knew he couldn't do anything to help but it was distracting of my sickness. We got off the phone and I leaned out my tent and threw up again. This time tasting bile. They locked the gates at 10:00 but I still tried to drive out, I planned to go to my parents. But to no avail. When I got back to my camp I laid my car seat back and held my stomach. It was much quieter in my car. I wanted to kill my neighbors. I brought my sleeping bag into my car and finally fell asleep.
Yesterday I was planning on packing up camp and swimming for a few hours, but it was windy and cloudy. So I drove to my parents and dropped off the camping supplies. Anxious to get home and get ready for the show I'd be playing. I was scared to weigh myself. I had found food to eat here and there the past couple days but I was still anxious. I was 133-134 when I left. After taking a shower I stepped on the scale. 129.4. Satisfied that I was under 130 again I decided I should eat something a little nutritional. It resulted in a binge and followed with a purge. Very disappointed in myself I wanted to cry. Crying would do nothing. I found my skinny jeans that I bought a few months back. "I should have already been able to fit in these by now. If I only would control myself" I struggled with the first pair and threw them at the wall. The other pair I could get on, and am currently wearing :). I am going to continue with new vigor.
My lifestyle is a sacrifice. Its not easy to have the will power to deny yourself of what your body "needs". I've done it before though, and so many of you girls are so strong. I feel worthless. Self absorbed with my own failure. No more. I'm staying strong. For me, for you, for anyone. I don't want to be a failure. I am getting back to a happier weight. I am going to continue losing. Stay strong ladies. I know we all go through hard times, we all live different lifestyles. But truly I understand how most of you feel. We are all striving for the same thing, prefection, thiness, beauty, being a size 0, whatever you want to claim. I know I feel so alone at times. I feel bad that I've secluded myself from my friends, faimly, and lovers. But its just part of the sacrifice. I can't give up my control, not even to myself. I'm happier this way.