I've missed you all!

So I left wednesday night to go camping by myself.  It was indeed what I needed to pull  myself back together.  I had a fun time setting up my tent in the dark, but I was excited to finally be alone.  Thursday morning I woke up and went for an hour and a half run.  I returned to my camp and waited for the sun to heat up.  I spent most of the day by the water.  I swam a few times, drying off and reading inbetween.  I applied sunscreen continuoulsy but managed to forget random places on my body.  It took me forever to get a fire started that night.  In defeat and frustration I thought "fuck it" and kicked the wood together.  Then i noticed the fire started to go! Ha Ha.  I played my guitar until I ran out of wood and went to bed.  I slept soundly.

  So to avoid further burning I decided against going swimming on friday and instead drove to a touristy town near my camp and saw a movie, bought more wood, determined to make a better fire than the night before.  I went on a shorter run before I decided to make my fire.  I started to get a head ache.   I had bought an apple and decided to bake it in the hot wood.  After eating it and drinking some coffee I got a major head ache.  I realized I hadn't had enough water that day, but soon after the migraine my stomach started hurting.  I tried to fall asleep, but drunken neighbors kept me awake.  I went to the bathrooms and made myself throw up(I knew it was going to come up eventually).  I still felt so ill so I asked my ex if he would call me. I just was worried not knowing what to do.  I knew he couldn't do anything to help but it was distracting of my sickness.  We got off the phone and I leaned out my tent and threw up again.  This time tasting bile.  They locked the gates at 10:00 but I still tried to drive out, I planned to go to my parents.  But to no avail.  When I got back to my camp I laid my car seat back and held my stomach.  It was much quieter in my car.  I wanted to kill my neighbors.  I brought my sleeping bag into my car and finally fell asleep.

Yesterday I was planning on packing up camp and swimming for a few hours, but it was windy and cloudy.  So I drove to my parents and dropped off the camping supplies.  Anxious to get home and get ready for the show I'd be playing.  I was scared to weigh myself.  I had found food to eat here and there the past couple days but I was still anxious.  I was 133-134 when I left.  After taking a shower I stepped on the scale.  129.4.  Satisfied that I was under 130 again I decided I should eat something a little nutritional.  It resulted in a binge and followed with a purge.  Very disappointed in myself I wanted to cry.  Crying would do nothing.  I found my skinny jeans that I bought a few months back.  "I should have already been able to fit in these by now.  If I only would control myself"  I struggled with the first pair and threw them at the wall.  The other pair I could get on, and am currently wearing :).  I am going to continue with new vigor.  

My lifestyle is a sacrifice.  Its not easy to have the will power to deny yourself of what your body "needs".  I've done it before though, and so many of you girls are so strong.  I feel worthless.  Self absorbed with my own failure.  No more.  I'm staying strong.  For me, for you, for anyone.  I don't want to be a failure.  I am getting back to a happier weight.  I am going to continue losing.  Stay strong ladies.   I know we all go through hard times, we all live different lifestyles.  But truly I understand how most of you feel.  We are all striving for the same thing, prefection, thiness, beauty, being a size 0, whatever you want to claim.  I know I feel so alone at times.  I feel bad that I've secluded myself from my friends, faimly, and lovers.  But its just part of the sacrifice.  I can't give up my control, not even to myself.  I'm happier this way.  

xoxo