Last night I told my boyfriend about my eating disorder. I don't know what compelled me to tell him, but there I was, texting him that I wanted to tell him something very personal. I told him how much I've hated myself and how much its killing me to try and be "healthy" or "normal". I was so used to being thing, fragile, weak, cold. The control I had was my addiction. I told him that I basically had to let that control go to recover from my accident. At first I just tried to go with it. Eat "normal" and be healthy. Then I told him that what is torturing me the most is the loss of control. I want that control, that high. I asked him if I creeped him out at this point"Not really. I'm actually not creeped out at all. I don't know what to make of it for sure but its not creepy. I don't know why you would want to settle into anything less than you are or enjoying being. so fighting to get it back is something I can understand. I ranted a bit more. I'm really not creeped at all. It makes sense to me in general. You're in control of your life and lifestyle, you're happywith it and yourself, and then something drastic happens and you're forced to let it slip away. You hae a chance to get it back and you're doing what you have to to get it. If I'm understanding correctly. I don't see what I would do different in your situation. I then said. you wouldn't stop me? Or tell me what I should or shouldn't do? Do you expect me to tell you waht to do ro stop you? I wouldn't stop you but I wasn't sure if you wanted advice. Everyone else has to get in my business. I respect your opinion. He then said he didn't see anything wrong with my eating. Thats where I told him..I don't eat enough. I don't care to eat enough. Then he said this. "So do you have a problem in your eyes with eating less like you did?" I told him no because I'm unhappy now. "I don't care. Whatever makes you happy. Other people shouldn't change that for you." I said thank you. I wanted to get this out of my head. I wanted you to understand me better. I don't have any more secrets now. His reply "You're welcome. I still think you're the most wonderful girl ever" One of the last things I said before drifting off to sleep was. It helps a lot that you didn't freak out, and you listened. "Thats because I get it."
He invited me to come over for smokes and coffee this morning before I went to the salon. I don't regret telling him. I feel like ana visited me last night. I feel like I can completely give my control back to ana. I think a big fear I had was that if I started losing, and started going back to my old lifestyle my boyfriend, the one who sees me the most, would stop me. But he isn't. He is just going to be there for me. I am confounded.
And I'm 132.8 lbs. I'll be out of the 130s this week for sure