That was the basically it the rest of the night. What was going through my head? Him seeing my body. Him seeing my imperfect body. How could he enjoy that? How? I don't even feel like I can please him anymore. I'm useless.
You're not alone
Monday, May 18, 2009
Yesterday was frustrating. I woke up next to J to hear him tell me with a sigh "You have a beautiful body". I felt beautiful all day. It was just long. By the end of the night I was so tired. We were having a good time and then something in my brain switched and I just shied away from J and curled up in a ball. He went to the bathroom to get ready for bed and I stayed there. Motionless. He climbed in bed, I got under the covers, back to him. I couldn't move. I couldn't talk. "Why are you doing this? Why are you going all emo on me?(bad thing to say to me. I hate when people call me 'emo'. its just a rude connotation toward any human) You shy away from me and don't talk to me for a half hour, what am I supposed to say? What am I supposed to do. Can you try and understand how frustrating this is? You do it so often. I don't know what to do anymore" My response was "It doesn't have anything to do with you, its me"