You're not alone

Friday, May 15, 2009

My story part 1

In high school I never thought much about my body.  I was a swimmer and pretty thin.  My senior year I was going through a lot of stress and my body started changing from a thin swimmer to a muscular gross pasty thing.  I remember at one point I thought I was a lot fatter so I bought these bigger size pants.  When swim season was over I realized how huge the jeans were on me.  Did I lose weight or was it all in my mind? There were a few times that I didn't really eat.  Usually when I had projects, tests.  I had a boyfriend for a few months and I remember when I broke up with him I kind of stopped eating.   I didn't try, I just had no appetite.  I didn't do it becuase I missed him.  I think I did it because I wanted someone else to notice me.  I didn't really think I had an eating disorder or anything.   In fact it was my senior that I finally broke away from trying to be someone I wasn't and just being myself.  I was a lot happier, I made new friends and I was confident.
 When I graduated I started going to the gym and eating healthier.  I didn't really lose weight, but I lost my bulky swimmer body.  I was really happy with myself.  That same summer I met P.  My first love and best friend.  We had so much fun together and I was really happy with myself and life was fun.  I knew P thought I was good looking and that was good enough for me.  When I moved to college things started changing.  I lived with my best girlfriend who has always been skinnier than me.  We shared clothes, I was always jealous of her body and her ability to get boys.  I was still in a long distance relationshiop with my boyfriend so the boy part didn't matter so much.  Yet when I would come home to visit we would talk about our weights.  He always weighed less than me.  This is where the self conscious about my body was re triggered.  I constantly thought. How did he like me?  I wish I weighed just a little less so I didn't look so fat standing next to him.