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Monday, May 18, 2009

My story part 2

In January (after dating P for about 6 months) we mutually decided to break up.  The decision was good.  I wanted to take it back two days later, but in the end we both knew we needed to break up.  For two months I wanted to die.  I would go to the gym for at least two hours a day.  This was my time to forget about P.  When I would go I would literally say to myself, outloud, before I went in "Goodbye P".  I realized I was over doing it at the gym, but I didn't care.  We hung out "as friends" one night and for once I weighed less than him.  We still felt strongly about each other, but he didn't want to get back in a relationship.  It killed me to be around him because all I wanted was to be close to him.  One time after coming home from the gym I ate dinner with a roommate and right after asked her if she wanted to go to the gym. "Didn't you just go?" "Yeah but I just ate and now I want to work it off" My other roommate says "Dude are you annorexic?"  This was the first time I realized that maybe I did have an eating disorder.
    P and I got back together a few months after our break up.  I gained my weight back and I hated that I was so fat around him.  I loved those few months when I weighed less, but I didn't worry about it too much.  I was happy to be with him again.  We spent so much time together.  We had our favorite places to eat.  We spent time in the sun, swimming, playing music.  He was getting ready to serve an LDS mission for two years.  I was getting ready to start Beauty School.  I stayed in shape as much as I could.  I felt healthy, but still fat.  When he left on his mission I promised him I would stay healthy, not over do it at the gym.  I kept that promise becuae my gym pass expired.  I stopped eating though. I didn't try.  I just stopped.  Right before I was going to re new my gym pass I weighed my self.  128 pounds! I felt amazing.  I knew some of it was muscle loss.  But still.  I liked being under 130.  I renewed my gym pass and got a personal trainer.

This is where things got bad.

to be continued

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