This is what I looked like at 120-125. Sigh.  I'll get there

I'm going to the horrible world of Wal Mart to go buy a scale.  Its about time ha ha.  My weight is down 3 pounds!!  I'm feeling my control coming back.  Yesterday I went up to my parents and there was a ton of vegan/gluten free food.  I know my mom loves me because she accommodatedso I could eat.  So I loaded up my plate with all the food.  I think a week ago I would have eaten it all.  I didn't though. I ate bits and pieced of all the different food, but then I just went and made myself a spinach salad(the caterers idea of a salad was lettuce, croutons, and i'm sure super calorie dense dressing.  I just went to my parents fridge and added some spinach, almond cheese, berries).  Then this morning I had 150 cals worth of chips(allowing myself only 9 or so chips), some carrots and celery.  I made some gluten free cookies.  I wanted to see if they even tasted good.  But i just picked out the chocolate chips and so probably only ate 100-150 cals worth of it.  I'm at the coffee shop now and I asked the barista to only put a little bit of soy in my soy mocha.  So this drink is probably 100-150 cals.  that puts me at....500-600 cals.  I won't eat anything else today.  

I will look like that picture and much skinnier soon :)

xoxo

beautiful

What do I love about this picture?  Her long hair.  Her bony elbows.  Thin silhouette.  I am inspired everyday by beautiful pictures like this.

Today was pretty good.  I was supposed to do a photoshoot but I really didn't feel well enough so I rescheduled.  I worked for a few hours and then went to the coffee shop to steal internet and work on the book I'm writing.  Afterward I went up the canyon to utah's version of a beach.  I took a guy friend with me.  It was fine. I know he is attracted to me.  He knows about my eating disorder and sometimes its nice to be able to talk to him openly about it.  I drove him home and after he got dressed for work we were getting ready to go. He stopped me and hugged me.  Then pinned me against the wall. Tried to kiss me. I just said no.  I'm not a cheater "you sure?" "yes" "its all good. thought i'd try".  I hate men

no food today.  i have a dinner i'm going to tomorrow "there will be vegan and gluten free food there so you have to eat" my mom said.  After that I don't have obligations to eat for a while.  I'm doing the weight loss competition. wonderful idea btw

ta  

My Story part 4

I got in a car accident in January. I fell asleep at the wheel while I was on my way to work. No one knows the whole truth. At this point in my life I was having a hard time. I mean a really hard time. I was using pills. Cutting. Everything. That morning before I left I took a couple pills. I thought they wouldn't hit me until I got to work. I was wrong. I remember going off to the left of the road, correcting myself, and then going completely off to the right. There was snow, so as my car was going through the snow I remember thinking "oh man, what is going to stop me". It all happened so fast. I was in so much shock I hardly remember anything from that point on. I remember hearing people, they told me my leg was pinned, they were asking me questions. What day was it? Whats your name. Then they asked me what hurt more, my leg or my foot? I remember saying "i'm cold. i'm cold."
When we got to the hospital I was still pretty out of it. I wanted water. I was cold. I kept repeating myself. They asked me who they should call. I told them to call P(my bestfriend)'s mom. The first familiar face I saw was P's dad. The tears came. As more family and friends trickled in I just remember crying. I feel lucky that I can't remember much from the accident, or the hospital. I don't want to remember something like that.
The next week was hard. I couldn't sleep. I didn't want to eat. I went underweight. I nearly over dosed on pills(unintentionally). I was happy to be alive. I was frustrated with my body. I had never gone through something like this. I was drinking diet coke non stop to try and keep food in my body. I went from 110-120 within a few weeks. I started working out again. Then I went on a trip. I ate so much bread. When I got back from that trip I was 125. Not as bad as I thought. After that trip I started doing full time school. I was eating so much crap and not working out very much. I was spending more time with my bf. No time at the gym. Long story short. Here I sit 135. I am finished with school. I have more time for myself. I am going to get my weight back down to 120 within a few months. Two at most. It shouldn't be hard. Thats where I was somewhat happy with my body. Still not perfect.
Life can get hard. It doesn't have to stop us. My accident has slowed me down, but maybe it was needed. Maybe I needed some form of recovery from my ed. I don't know if I would have gotten through school. Many people were freaking out about my low weight. I think a few were ready to take me to a center. Now I'm in control of my life. My leg is healed a lot more. I will do this. Never giving up. Fighting Strong. Love you all

June

Yesterday was a busy day. I woke up early to go to the dentist by my parents house. It was about an hour and a half drive. I am a baby when it comes to the dentist. I get the worst anxiety. Ha ha boo hoo for me.
When I left their town I planned to go straight to work but my boyfriend wanted coffee so I picked him up and we visited. I stayed at work for about an hour and then drove over to the new salon I'm working at. My boss wasn't there so I hopped back on my scooter and just went cruising. I ended up driving to the base of a canyon. I had my workout clothes, I had 4 hours to kill before my dress rehearsal for a movie i'm acting in. So I changed my clothes and started hiking. I hiked a straight hour( all uphill) before deciding to turn around. So a good two hours of some nice fresh air, burning calories, listening to music. I went to the gym afterward to do some stretching, ellipitcal, and abnominals.
Nature is beautiful though. I'm so glad its getting warm so I can enjoy it more. I love being done with school. I'm still really busy, but I'm not in school ha ha. I woke up at 7:30 this morning to take my motorcycle road test. I've been working since 9:00. I'll leave work and go to my school to get some stuff turned in(final paperwork and what not), I'll hit the gym, and then go over to the salon to assist. Another long day, but it keeps me busy. I like that
Now I just wish I could get my boyfriend to be more productive. I feel like he is dragging me down. I understand depression, and everyone feels it at one point or another. I believe, however, you can control the mood you will be in. You don't have to mask or hide your sadness. But you don't always have to be sad. You can try and make each day count or worth something. My boyfriend's response to the question "How are you" is usually "Tired" or "Worn out". It drives me mad.

xoxo

Endless and Deep

I feel like i'm drowning. Trying so hard to make everyone happy, but pleasing no one.
i can't even make myself happy. So what do I do? I'm not going to complain. That does nothing. I'm going to keep going.

gw1 130 130. 130. i can do this. I've done it before, I'm happier when i'm thin.

It takes time

Sometimes I see pictures and I'm just like..woah she is beautiful.

I'm taking everyday..one at a time. I realized my life was droning on. I love the feeling of control my ed brings me. The past few weeks I've been regaining control, but not enough. I started this morning off with a trip to the gym. I weighed in but I'm not sure if it was right. Reason being(TMI) I've been going to the bathroom a ton since. So Now I want to know what I really weigh. Note to self: buy a scale.

cals so far: 0
cw: 136( this is unbelieveable)
gw: 128.

Small steps. Stay strong ladies

Graduated

I just finished my hours at school!  I am going to go run for an hour. I will now have an extra 38 hours a week!  Woo hoo time to get skinny again

I love you all.  Thanks for reading, posting, caring.  

Shagef you are an angel

xoxo

Feeling light

I love the feeling when you have the control.  I love working out.  I love the sun.  

I'm doing a liquid fast this weekend.  I'm going to weigh in on saturday.  I have two days left of school!! And I just got a job as an assistant at a salon!  

I miss  my bones.  I can't wait to have them back.  Stay strong everyone.  Whether you believe it or not mind over body!

xoxox

You know, the sun is in your eyes

And hurricanes and rains

Blacken cloudy skies

You're running up and down that hill

You turn it on and off at will

There's nothing here to thrill or bring you down

And if you've got no other choice

You know you can follow my voice

Through the dark turns and noise

Of this wicked little town

Oh Lady Luck has led you here

And they're so twisted up

They'll twist you up, I fear

They're pious, hateful, and devout

You're turning tricks 'til you're turned out

The wind so cold it burns

You're burning out and blowing 'round

And if you've got no other choice

You know you can follow my voice

Through the dark turns and noise

Of this wicked little town

The fates are vicious and they're cruel

You learn too late you've used

Two wishes

Like a fool

And then you're someone you are not

And Junction City ain't the spot

Remember Mrs. Lot and when she turned around

And if you've got no other choice

You know you can follow my voice

Through the dark turns and noise

Of this wicked little town 

i'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight

My Story part 3

When I started training I had a really good system. I would eat what I wanted when I wanted, in small porportion and I would make sure I really craved it. My trainer ruined that good habit by having me write down everything I ate, count calories. She wanted me to be eatin 5-6 times a day, small meals, understandable. I started gaining weight, which I knew would probably happen because of muscle gain. A few months after I started training I shaved my head for a charity. I was confident enough in myself to shave my head, but after it all it really took a toll on my personal confidence. I continued to gain through the summer. I hated the way I looked, I always felt like a boy. One day I was at my parents and this asian family friend was talking to me. He was trying to get me to eat some sweets. I told him I didn't want any. He asked why. I told him I didn't want to get more fat. His response was "your not fat, maybe medium". All the sudden I realized, wow I looked horrible. I truly did. I looked at pictures, I looked at myself. I needed to change. So in september I started working out more, I stopped eating crap food. I decided to be vegetarian. I stopped eating dairy. I joined livejournal. I got ideas on how to lose weight. It started working. I went from 147 to 125 in about a month. I loved it. I started peaking though. Bouncing around from 120-125. The holidays came. I was having a hard time losing more, but I wasn't gaining. So I kept working out, running. If i hate too many sweets, I purged. I was purging a lot in the winter. I was freezing too. But I wasn't going to gain anymore. I continued to lose. I think the lowest I got was 115. Everyone was talking about me. I hated it. I wished they would stop. This was my life. My choice. I couldn't be 'normal' this was just the way I was. Then in january I was in a car accident.

more later

Why are you going emo on me?

Yesterday was frustrating.  I woke up next to J to hear him tell me with a sigh "You have a beautiful body".  I felt beautiful all day.  It was just long.  By the end of the night I was so tired.  We were having a good time and then something in my brain switched and I just shied away from J and curled up in a ball.  He went to the bathroom to get ready for bed and I stayed there.  Motionless.  He climbed in bed, I got under the covers, back to him.  I couldn't move.  I couldn't talk.  "Why are you doing this?  Why are you going all emo on me?(bad thing to say to me.  I hate when people call me 'emo'.  its just a rude connotation toward any human)  You shy away from me and don't talk to me for a half hour, what am I supposed to say?  What am I supposed to do.  Can you try and understand how frustrating this is?  You do it so often.  I don't know what to do anymore"  My response was "It doesn't have anything to do with you, its me"  

That was the basically it the rest of the night.  What was going through my head?  Him seeing my body.  Him seeing my imperfect body.  How could he enjoy that?  How?  I don't even feel like I can please him anymore.  I'm useless.  

My story part 2

In January (after dating P for about 6 months) we mutually decided to break up.  The decision was good.  I wanted to take it back two days later, but in the end we both knew we needed to break up.  For two months I wanted to die.  I would go to the gym for at least two hours a day.  This was my time to forget about P.  When I would go I would literally say to myself, outloud, before I went in "Goodbye P".  I realized I was over doing it at the gym, but I didn't care.  We hung out "as friends" one night and for once I weighed less than him.  We still felt strongly about each other, but he didn't want to get back in a relationship.  It killed me to be around him because all I wanted was to be close to him.  One time after coming home from the gym I ate dinner with a roommate and right after asked her if she wanted to go to the gym. "Didn't you just go?" "Yeah but I just ate and now I want to work it off" My other roommate says "Dude are you annorexic?"  This was the first time I realized that maybe I did have an eating disorder.

    P and I got back together a few months after our break up.  I gained my weight back and I hated that I was so fat around him.  I loved those few months when I weighed less, but I didn't worry about it too much.  I was happy to be with him again.  We spent so much time together.  We had our favorite places to eat.  We spent time in the sun, swimming, playing music.  He was getting ready to serve an LDS mission for two years.  I was getting ready to start Beauty School.  I stayed in shape as much as I could.  I felt healthy, but still fat.  When he left on his mission I promised him I would stay healthy, not over do it at the gym.  I kept that promise becuae my gym pass expired.  I stopped eating though. I didn't try.  I just stopped.  Right before I was going to re new my gym pass I weighed my self.  128 pounds! I felt amazing.  I knew some of it was muscle loss.  But still.  I liked being under 130.  I renewed my gym pass and got a personal trainer.

This is where things got bad.

to be continued

Dying to know

I want to know my weight.  I don't have a scale.  All my golds gym are closed around here sundays.  Stupid.  I told my boyfriend to pick me up and guess how much I weighed. He said 120-125.  I wish.  I'm sure I'm down to 132 or something.  Who knows.  Gah.  

I went and bought flowers today :)  J and I are going to plant them today.  Today was supposed to be a 0 cal day but I forgot that I'm having dinner with J's parents.  I'm vegan so it can't be anything too bad.  I'll just eat slow and very little.  

I hope everyone has a lovely day. Stay strong. Chin up

My story part 1

In high school I never thought much about my body.  I was a swimmer and pretty thin.  My senior year I was going through a lot of stress and my body started changing from a thin swimmer to a muscular gross pasty thing.  I remember at one point I thought I was a lot fatter so I bought these bigger size pants.  When swim season was over I realized how huge the jeans were on me.  Did I lose weight or was it all in my mind? There were a few times that I didn't really eat.  Usually when I had projects, tests.  I had a boyfriend for a few months and I remember when I broke up with him I kind of stopped eating.   I didn't try, I just had no appetite.  I didn't do it becuase I missed him.  I think I did it because I wanted someone else to notice me.  I didn't really think I had an eating disorder or anything.   In fact it was my senior that I finally broke away from trying to be someone I wasn't and just being myself.  I was a lot happier, I made new friends and I was confident.

 When I graduated I started going to the gym and eating healthier.  I didn't really lose weight, but I lost my bulky swimmer body.  I was really happy with myself.  That same summer I met P.  My first love and best friend.  We had so much fun together and I was really happy with myself and life was fun.  I knew P thought I was good looking and that was good enough for me.  When I moved to college things started changing.  I lived with my best girlfriend who has always been skinnier than me.  We shared clothes, I was always jealous of her body and her ability to get boys.  I was still in a long distance relationshiop with my boyfriend so the boy part didn't matter so much.  Yet when I would come home to visit we would talk about our weights.  He always weighed less than me.  This is where the self conscious about my body was re triggered.  I constantly thought. How did he like me?  I wish I weighed just a little less so I didn't look so fat standing next to him.

Small Vent

Lately I have been hearing a lot of people joke about eating disorders. "I'm working on being annorexic"  "I tried being annorexic and bulimic but I just love food too much"  Seriously shut up!  I get really pissed when i hear people talk about it in such a way as though you can just choose to have an ed, or turn it on or off.  I can't help but reply by saying "How do you try to have an ed?  Why would you try to have an ED?"  Do they really want to hate themselves no mattter what weight or size you are?  Do they really want to always be counting in your head?  Cereal 125 for 3/4 cup.  10 grapes 20 cals.  Small banana 90 cals.  No you don't just one day decide to have an ED.  I think it is just part of me.  At one point I was able to control my ED.  I ignored the fact that I hated myself.  I didn't worry so much about food, exercise.  That was a long time ago though.  Its not a joking matter at all.

  Selfish people don't stay thin.  Ignorant people get fat and are jealous of those who can take care of themselves, ed or not.  They are selfish because they never know who may be around.  It always seems to be me though.

Sigh.  Staying strong today on my liquid fast.  I know I posted earlier but I just had to say something.  I'm not really wanting food.  I just want my head ache to go away and go to sleep.If I ate right now I would be disappointing a two people.  But I'll be here at school another 8 hours.  I'm hoping my boyfriend will come in later so I can cut his hair.

What if

This was a conversation I had with my boyfriend last night:
Me: Would you date me if I weighed 200 pounds?
J: No

Me: 180?

J: No

Me: 150?

J: I think there would be a cut off between me being okay with you having extra weight and you totally letting yourself go. I wouldn't love looking at you..but I'm past that part in our relationshiop where looks totally matter. So probably 160
Me: Ew I've never weighed that. I've never weighed 150. I don't ever even want to be in the 140's again..So how about 140 is the cut off :)

J: Okay

Me: What if I weighed 100 pounds?

J: Well that depends (I was very surprised by this answer). Would you look sickly annorexic at 100 or sexy? If you looked sickly annorexic at 100 doesn't mean you couldn't look sexy at 110.

I am so surprised by that answer. He would be fine with me being underweight. Do you know what this means? I won't be given shit for getting skinny. Sure I will by mostly everyone else in the world, but not him. He never pushes me to eat food, or asks if I'm eating. Its not uncommon for him to eat while I do something else. Sometimes he subtely guilts me into eating. He knows he can get me to eat if I'm high(depending on the food). I think a couple of times he's used that factor. But other than that. I feel so motivated. He wouldn't mind if I was 100 pounds?!? I'll settle for 103.

Staying strong today with my liquid fast. Praise the lord that I found someone to talk to. I haven't had very much control lately and with this fast I finally feel like my old self. Like MYself.

I signed

I signed with an Agent yesterday.

I need to lose at least 12 pounds. I am almost done with school. That will help mucho. More time to workout. I plan to workout at least an hour everyday. Running 3 times a week. Double workouts twice a week.

Its business now. I want people to want me as a model. I want them to see my pictures and say..yeah we need that one. Bam. I'm doing it

Please don't cry

Last night I was at my brothers place with my boyfriend.  We had a fun time drinking pina coladas and playing the game bull shit, which I won.  I have this on going thing with my brothers.. I will never learn to play poker ha ha.  It was still a fun night.  When my boyfriend and I went to go to sleep I could tell he wanted to talk.  So we did.  You see this morning I went to my bestfriends(old bf) house.  He is out of the country and we talk through email.  It being mothers day though, he got to call home.  

So my boyfriend, J, asked me if my friend, P, knew about him.  I said I hadn't told P yet.  We are still working out other things in our relationship.  J kept pushing the subject.  I was somewhat drunk so that didn't help.  I started crying "babe please don't cry" J says.  I was so upset though.  I wanted to yell at him, tell him to go away, don't touch me, don't talk to me.  I just cried. 

I'm sick of life right now.  I miss P.  I really hope he gives me a second chance to be his friend.  

Sorry this entry isn't very uplifting

Letter to myself

Dear Self,

How do you feel? Unhappy right? Who brought you here? Yourself. Do you remember having ultimate control? Feeling empty. Feeling light. Feeling numb. The kind of numb that only comes after 3 days of barely eating anything. The kind of sensation you get when you know you have that power to choose wheather or not you think you should eat. What happened? You used to be so small. People used to say "You're too skinny" "You need to eat more". You liked hearing that didn't you? Because then you knew you were at least thin enough to other people that they noticed you. So what is your decision? Are you going to get back that control? Or are you going to continually hate yourself more and more. The choice is yours and yours alone, as it always is. Do you like feeling like a huge fat whale when you are being held by your bf? Where did your hip bones go? Where are your collarbones? They are still there babe. And you are still here. You can make the change. I know you can. Small steps at a time. You can do it.

Love Your Skinny Self

I've compiled a list of Foods I should never consume:
Milk Chocolate(I'm trying to be pure vegan) So no candy unless it is dark chocolate with no milk added.
Peanut Butter
Candy (I'll allow myself some every so often as long as there is no animal prodcut. But I'm a chocolate fan so this most likely won't be a problem. Plus its too sweet)
Cookies, Cakes, Breads, Muffins (I'm allergic to Gluten so I really shouldn't eat those, and they are all made with eggs. Again, trying to be vegan)
Soda(I haven't had this in months, nor does it appeal to me..but still just in case)
Butter
Foods I can eat:
Vegetables!!!
Fruits!!!
Rice!! Rice cakes, Rice Milk, Rice Cheese, Rice Ice Cream(on special occasions. I don't really crave it that much)
Berries.
Almond Milk, Almond Cheese, Almond Butter
Black Beans ( I don't really like any other kind)
Indain and Thai Food (within reason. I don't have money to buy it, so again not a problem
Vegan Cookies that I make myself
Game Plan (gp)
Start cutting calories to 800-1000 a day. Depending on how much I workout that day
Today I've eaten: 1 banana..about 100 cal. a few sips of coffee. Lunch will be an orange 60-70 cal. I might have a protein shake before I workout tonight =130 cals.
Its a new day. Stay Strong

May 6

I love the hair on this model. plus she has a beautiful body.

Happy Continuation day to me.
I don't feel like I'm 20. I feel like I'm 17 years old. I think its because when I was 17 I was completely happy. I loved myself. I love my life. I had the most wonderful boyfriend. You can't go back in time. You can only try and make the present life worth all you can.

I'm going out with my parents in a few hours. Probably Thai food. Being vegan is wonderful. I just don't like white rice because it has no nutrtional value. Oh well. It should be a good day. My best friend is stopping by my office in a bit. She got married last August and I really have seen her much since. After lunch I'll probably go to school, or have a visit with my boyfriend. Then I have to do one client tonight. Afterward I plan to get wine happy..maybe smoke some peace. I haven't decided. I just want to have a good stress free day.

xoxo

Agent

I'm signing with an agent tomorrow!  I am so excited.  I also have a photoshoot in the morning.  

and tomorrow is my Birth DAy!!! I'm going to get wine happy.

This is motivation to the max.  I worked out just barely.  I still have weight to lose.  Now that possible jobs will depend on it..its going to happen

Ok so totally fat

These were the two that I like the most from a mini photoshoot yesterday. I'm so fat. And I have a photoshoot tomorrow with a photographer. He is bringing the wardrobe. I'm so in trouble if I don't fit into them. Not eating anymore today. Took 4 laxatives. Vaccuum treatment tomorrow and water pills tomorrow morning. I hope it works out.

Still, I'm very excited to get into modeling. I have at least 10 more pounds to lose

break up

I think I need to break up with my boyfriend.  I don't know what to do.  There are days where I absolutely love him.  Then there are days when I don't think I love him the way he loves me.  

Damn it all

Not so Bad

Ok so last night I went to the open casting thing for a bikini calendar.  It wasn't what I expected.  In fact it was better than what I expected.  They are a new company and if they choose me as a model it would kind of be like an agency.  Yet, they are totally fine and encourage their models to work with anyone that wants to use us.  I don't hear back from them until today or tomorrow.  I don't know if I'm calendar material..but it would be amazing if they chose me.  

If not.  I'll live.  I have a few other shoots lined up for other photographers.  I have one tomorrow for some headshots.  On monday I'll be working with someone all day.  Then a few others.  This is so motivating for me.  I feel like I have more control.  I need to get back in shape.  I've already gone down in weight.  

Ha ha this might be tmi.. but yesterday I peed green.  I took some laxatives wednesday night to make sure anything in my stomach would be out. Then yesterday I was taking water pills to look as slim as I could for the casting.  I think maybe a mixture of both did something.  Ah well. 

My boyfriend got really down last night when I talked about me modeling.  I asked him if he would be jealous when I worked with male photographers.  He said yes.  I told him he didn't need to worry about it because it was all business.  He said "I think they are getting the better end of the deal"   Bleh.  I can understand where he is coming from, but I wish he would be more supportive.  Like "babe I'm really glad you are getting to work with some photographers.  You're doing what you want"  Instead its "oh other boys are going to photograph you."  Sigh.  I can't please anyone.