so sick so sick of being tired

and oh so tired of being sick! - taking back sunday

I love that band.

So I just took my third test for this class. 76 percent. Now, before you think i'm stupid, this is a science class and the average is like a 60 precent. The last test had an A at 74 percent. I am happy!

I am not happy about my face and how chubby it looks in pictures. I want my old body back.

I've been wearing ankle weights like everyday ha ha. Every calorie counts, right?

Food stinks

I have agreed to go out to eat with a girl I met in treatment. She was the one that suggested dinner. I feel like I can't really make up any old excuse. She'd know. Plus, I want to see her. We really connected.

Last time I weighed in I was 135.8.

My husband has been baby sitting me a lot more with meals. He knows I've been cutting too. No reason to hide it. I know I need to stop.

I ran four miles yesterday! It felt soooo good. But I didn't stretch ha ha. Bad girl. Can't wait to go home and use my foam roller on my sore muscles.

I haven't been able to blog. My husband started getting annoyed with me reading your blogs.

I'll be back sooner than last time

Xoxo


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

why are you cutting such small bites

I went on a double date Saturday night. I felt pretty confident. I didn't eat a ton. I had:

b: half a pumpkin chocolate chip homemade muffin

soy mocha

l: chicken apple cashew salad, veggies, corn chips

So dinner at Texas Roadhouse (never thought I'd go here but my friend sold me when she said salmon) didn't scare me. I had one and a half of a small roll. Shared a frozen lemonade with hubby. a few peanuts. And then 1/4 sweet potato and 1/4 of my Salmon.

Well, whilst eating my friend asks me:

Why are you cutting your food so small

great. now all eyes are on me. she knows I have an ED and am struggling. It was so awkward. So effing awkward. Why did she have to say anything? I don't think people should ever comment on how someone eats. I talked to my husband about it last night, and he agreed.

He said one time he was at work, eating a few spoonfuls of ice cream out of the tub. He didn't want to get a bowl, it was his ice cream. Then someone walks in and says "what are you doing oinker? going to eat the whole tub to yourself?" He said

that pissed me off

and I don't even have an eating disorder

Stooopid people. stupid. stupid. stupid.

Workout for the weekend. Stair climber, 30 min. Lazy me

Today. was.

interesting.

I rented "The Black Swan" and watched part of it during work. Very triggering if you have an ED or suffer a multiple personality. ha. that's me. I don't think I'm bi polar, but when I get sucked into my ED its like I have two people talking to me.

anyway.

I didn't get to finish all of it before I drove to coach my swim team. On my way there I was kind of having a breakdown. I texted my sister who has recovered from years of bulimia/anorexia etc, and who is also a therapist. We did some guided imagery therapy. I told her that the Center for Change taught me how to cope and blah blah blah. But I never felt like I learned how to deal with the "real problem".

She didn't pressure me to come back anytime soon. She just said

I love you

let me know if you need to come back

It was nice to talk to someone who understands.

I went to the gym just a while ago.

biceps, lower back, shoulders and abs

25 min bike

15 min eliptical

I'm weighing myself in the morning.

Quckie

Here is today's intake. It says "late dining" but that's only because I entered it at night.


Total: 1,000

I was on the go pretty much all day. I was also on my feet almost all day. Once I finally got done working I went to my sisters house to help them move.

Lost of lifting and walking up stairs. I count that as my workout. Besides, my butt is so sore from yesterday's workout. I did like 60 lunges.

3 sets of 20(10 each leg)
Rd 1: normal
Rd 2: diagonal, so right leg goes across left, vice versatile
Rd 3: side squats/ lunges.

I also did a lot of incline on the treadmill. Here is a good butt workout.
Speed 3.5-4.0.
5 min warm up
2 min : 2.0 incline
2 min: 0
2 min 4.0 incline
2 min: 0
2 min: 6.0 incline
2 min: 0
2 min: 4.0
2 min: 0
2 min: 2.0
2 min: 0
5 min Warm down
30 min total.

Yesterday I went all the way to 8.0, repeated twice then went back down. You will feel my pain if you do this workout. The best thing is that I don't get bored, and I am in the fat burning range.

I'm trying to decide if I'll weigh in tomorrow or wait a couple more days.

i love skinny jeans

I also love fall because you can bundle yourself up, and I feel a little more confident in my skinnies when I'm not so exposed up top.

Weigh in: 137.2. UGH that is such a big number to me. Before treatment I was in the 120-125. I am however pleased with my weigh in. Intake today? I don't know how I feel.

b: toast (2) 220

l: chicken and rice 400?

skittles: 220 (bad of me)

cheese sticks lindt chocolates(purged)

d: 1/2 spinach greek wrap ? 400?

under 1500.

Out put:

weights: triceps, biceps, back, lunges

1 miles run - 10 min

35 min treadmill fast walking, alternating incline

20 min bike.

I'm guessing at least 500

I have a headache from purging. Why did I do it? Anxiety. Frustration. Stress. I didn't want to cut.

I am the "manager" at my salon. My boss moved about an hour away to finish school. She comes down "once" a week. We are currently losing business. I predicted this would happen when she left. She is making money by doing nothing, so she doesn't have to provide for herself.

We stylist however, have bills to pay. Since we make commission, sitting around not doing clients is not helpful. I personally have enough clientelle to make due, but yeah. Long story short. I set up a meeting for all of us, so we can try and get some change happening.

My fears: my boss gets defensive, she doesn't want to change things, i have to find a new job because i am getting tired of working under someone who doesn't care about "her" salon anymore.

Ok. gotta study.

sweater weather

b: toast with a pat of butter - 150?

s: banana - 90

l: chicken soft taco + mt dew - 210 + 220

s: skittles 230

d: 5 piece nuggets + sweet and sour sauce 280

= 1, 180

So now i'm trying to decide if I will allow myself a final thing to eat. Its a slimfast bar, 200 cal. I would be pleased to be at 1400 today. I definitely think I need to cut out the calorie drinks. Water. Water water. right? I love water. Unfortunately water doesn't have caffeine.

I can't cut back a lot of calories too sudden. For one, I'm afraid of binges. I would rather allow myself food when I still want it, not Everytime I want it, but you know what I mean. I also can't put myself in the dangerzone. I don't want to argue with people. I don't want to talk to a therapist. I don't want to even think about treatment.

So for those of you who think 1400 is too much. It's not too much for me.

can you tell that I'm 'afraid of what people think of me?

I think I'm going to weigh myself tomorrow morning. Scary. Sort of.

Does anyone have blogs they'd recommend? Or if you are a follower, and I don't follow you, let me know!

xoxo

smiles

I've been reading your blogs today. Everyone seems to be in a similar funke.

I wish I could help you out. Sometimes life sucks, it really does. When I have been really really down, I remind myself of this: Nothing is constant. Change happens for better or for worse. So which will you make it?

I don't have a lot to say today. I slept until 12. I hate the period. ooo do I hate it.

I went to the gym and did 55 minutes of cardio, 15 minutes of abs. I did this while reading my homework. Two birds with one stone!

my husband asked what I was doing just now. he was mad to find out that I was reading your blogs. I am going to bed.

xoxo

compliments, or trying to get a better tip?

I have had a busy morning. It's my first day off from work in a week.

• I took my dog to the vet
• bought him some toys and a cute sweater thing
• got a mani and pedi
• renewed my cosmetology license
• paid a bill

And now I am going to go to the gym.

But while I was getting my pedicure, I tell the Vietnamese that I run a lot, and it makes my feet get callused.

"you run a lot? that's why you're so skinnny"

I tried not to smile, and maybe he was just trying to compliment me to receive a better tip. Either way I liked to hear that.

xoxo

Drum roll please

I have finally lost a pound. Go ahead and laugh at my small accomplishment.

I feel powerful today:

B: Toast

Iced mocha

L: Banana

D: Slim fast bar

m&m's

total is probably what? under 800.

If I start trying to count calories too obsessively I won't do very well in my Physical Science Class

Among other news.. I am finally getting internet starting in October. No longer will I have such sporadic posts, plllluuusss... (plus)

I'll be able to do better with following other blogs.

xoxo

Winter Girls

I started reading that book again. (Winter Girls) I am sure the author did a lot of research, but I have a hard time reading books, written by people who have never gone through what we've been through.

I re opened the cut again. It's like feeling that small bit of pain keeps me on track.

I didn't do as well will my intake as I would have hoped, but I am not unhappy with what I've done.

I want to go to the gym. But my friend wants me to come over. Unfortunately for her, I want to go to the gym more. HA. I want to fit back into my jeans. The ones I got when i was around 120-125. I think I can get at that weight without people worrying about me. I won't go super fast, I'm not in a rush.

Slow and Steady

Sleeping

Today I hid from the world by sleeping. Yes. Signs of another season of depression? Probably. But I am going to try and take 5HTP again(herbal supplement containing seratonin)

I have taken anti depressants twice in my life. Each time for only a few months. They worked to help stabilize things, but in the end I feel better without them. I'd rather be able to feel all my emotions, instead of just feeling that numbing zombie like buzz.

So I slept until 1:00. I worked out on the treadmill. My but is still sore from doing the stair climber for 30 minutes straight on Monday. I love exercise.

I know I said I wanted to fast, but I got ahead of myself. I knew if I tried to fast too soon, I would end up over eating.

So I ate:

1 piece of toast
Pudding cup
Handful of raw almonds

Builder protein bar
Watermelon jolly rancher sucker

Chicken tortilla soup
1 piece of toast
Frozen yogurt

You know, I am not disappointed with that. I haven't dropped any weight since Monday, but I am already starting to see a change in my waist.

Xoxo

Lapsing Relapse

I am on the verge of a relapse. The source of the stress I am feeling in my life is a

long story

so I will spare you the head ache and skip to what it has produced. I am in a physics class so i just have to use a formula:

Stress + ED = potential triggers hmm not sure if that works. dang.

There has been stress building up, slowly. And then all the sudden i'm being sucked into "negative coping skills" as treatment would teach me. What caused the sudden reaction? A really big stress.

I am blabbing. We are being taken advantage of by our old Landlords. For whatever reason, because there are several factors, that feeling (being taken advantage) is one of the biggest triggers for me. I start to feel invisible, voiceless, powerless. I instantly want to gain control of something.

So I've been doing well at not using my ED to cope, but I let this landlord stress get to me, and I gave in to a few behaviors.

Starting with: cutting. just a small one, minimal bleeding. My husband still doesn't know.

Then: restricting (not a ton, but when i get stressed like this I find it easier to not feel hungry, i feel more emotions.

And last night: I was watching ED movies all day, A secret between friends, Sharing a secret, hunger point. Well. I had a reasonable dinner. But I wanted to skip my dinner and was mad that I decided to heat. so. fastest way to get rid of the food in my stomach...you know

I told my husband about purging last night.

and i cried. i felt scared

he handled things very well.

but i am still struggling and I want to start restricting again. I know what i would be getting myself into:

thoughts being consumed with food, isolation, depression, emotional, dysfunctional

AHHHH

But somehow i feel like i function better with it. Ugh

Tomorrow I am going to try and liquid fast until dinner, when I'll eat with my husband. I want to lose 8 pounds.

ok really i want to lose 18 pounds. It's easy to do it during the colder season.

I can't focus in class right now because of these thoughts. If you read this, thank you.

Itch

I just want to be skinny again. I want my hip bones


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Why is it so hard

Below are my new running shoes. No one told me how to break them in properly, so maybe I've been healing from some pretty bad blisters for a week :p


Okay the title of this post is maybe too dramatic for how I am feeling and what I'm thinking.
I look in the mirror and rarely like what I see. I ran across some pictures of me a year ago. 15 lbs lighter. I felt a lot more confident with myself. Was I too skinny? I don't think so. I have been skinnier.
I run and exercise a pretty good amount. But I still feel chubby. It frustrates the hell out of me really.
I am afraid to cut back or calorie count because I know I will get obsessive, and with school starting I need to use my brain power there.
I swear when I was restricting I could focus on projects easier. Noe that my brain isn't always thinking about being anorexic, coupled with my ADHD, I have more to think about. Ha ha.

So what to do? I think I need to eat smaller meals throughout the day. I do pretty well on my days off. But night time can be bad too. I think my worst days are weekends. So perhaps i'll have two goals this week.

1: no eating after 8:00 (I know that might sound late but I usually don't get home from work until 6:30.
2: 1-2 sweets for the weekend.

I have been in the process of moving :( Bleh. I can't wait to be in our new place.

My puppy has been so much fun! I love running around with him (gives me more exercise too :). He is a ball of energy for an hour and then he'll sleep for three. I love him

Puppy love!!

This is my new puppy!!

Running is Cleansing

i've resolved to push myself even harder with my running. I'm trying to listen to my body

but at the same time not pooping too soon

I ran 4 miles today

1) 11:20

2) 9:30

3) 10:47

4) 10:52

So total time was around 33 minutes

I enjoy running during the hottest time of day

it makes it harder to keep a fast pace

but i like the challenge

i am weird

I try to not weigh myself too often. It is very triggering for my because I can get quite

obsessive

I am happy that the scale is down a couple pounds.

I have been doing more lifting and not just running

so for a while i think i was gaining muscle weight

to be honest. i don't care as much about weight, as I do about what my body looks like

This may make some people mad, but I'm going to say it

obsessing about numbers is silly. Weighing yourself everyday is not productive

too many factors affect your weight and it WILL fluctuate

But that is just my opinion.

Life after treatment has been interesting. I think at the time I needed it. But I learned to make

excuses for my eating. "Listen to your body" "be intuitive" "your body will naturally start

craving what it needs"

I call bull shit. I used those excuses to eat far too many sweets. The body does not need as

much sweets as I had been allowing myself. I was obviously over eating and no, it was

not my "Eating Disorder" telling me so, it was just true.

I am glad that I was able to get help for my depression though, because my husband and I

are so much closer! We are trying to start a family, and that is keeping my mind in a

responsible zone.

Is it disturbing to anyone that I miss restricting. I miss the looks people give me. The

worry and attention i received from loved ones. I hope that we get pregnant soon.

because i'm having a hard time not getting back into my old ways.

It's been a while

I've been quite the absent blogger. I will make some attempts to update a little, but no promises!

I was on a birth control, the depovera, for 9 months. I'd heard that it can sometimes make you gain weight. Up until the third shot I didn't notice anything. I started running a ton a few months ago, but my body shape was making little changes. So I don't know if the shot made me "gain" weight, but I definitely felt like it was kind of making me retain weight.

Now that I've been off it for a couple months I am finally starting to tone up! I had the muscle underneath it all ha ha.

My husband and i have also been trying to get to the gym together. It helps to have someone else making goals with you. I am trying not to do anything drastic. I could definitely eat a little better, but I've come a long way since going to the treatment center.

When I left the center I felt like I didn't know how to eat. I didn't like the ideas they put in my head. I had to redefine what and how I would eat.

It sucked.

Butt!! I am a lot happier these days. So that's good, right?

Its been gloomy a lot this summer. My thinspo for today is inspired by the weather outside:

Restricting

Makes me feel high

Makes me anxious

Makes me not able to sleep

Makes my husband worry

Makes my husband want to feed me like a child

Makes me feel in control.

Cons outweigh Pros, but often reason is shoved under the bed and I let the illogical 'sick' self roam free.

Past

I hate seeing pictures of myself from when I was thin. I still wish I looked small and fragile. It's a battle to not jump into restricting again.

I have been running regularly. My. Legs are looking really toned, but my upper body? Yucky. I wish I could just be happy with the way I am.

Running

I am done with CFC and it feels good. I am just trying to balance out my life, rediscover things, decide what I want to take from treatment, and move forward.

I have been running regularly since mid February. At first I felt like I was just getting fatter, but I told myself it was just muscles. Well the last week or so I've really noticed my body tighten and tone up! I have lost 3-4 pounds, but I am most happy about how I feel when I run.

Free. It's exciting. Ah.

Going to do 4 miles now. Ta

Let it bleed

Sometimes it's easier to bleed. Lose weight. Hunger pains. Weak body. Tired brain. Lost soul. Broken heart.

You are passive. You don't know what happened yesterday, last week, a month ago, a year? The hole is always too small

To climb into. Smaller.

Being smaller will cure everything. You know, ultimately. To fit into the hole. Means

You are dead. If it doesn't kill you today, tomorrow, in a week, month, or years, it will get you. Even if you live until your hair is white, your skin is folded

It's taken

Time.

Do you really want to continue in pain? Do you really want it to destroy.

Relationships. People are frustrated. You wish they would
Let
You
Suffer

Because that's what you deserve. You don't belong. You don't fit in. People see you and are afraid. To talk to you. Who is that girl. Why is she here?

Do you believe those voices? Or do you dare.
To
Fight
Back