You're not alone

Monday, August 1, 2011

Running is Cleansing

i've resolved to push myself even harder with my running. I'm trying to listen to my body
but at the same time not pooping too soon
I ran 4 miles today
1) 11:20
2) 9:30
3) 10:47
4) 10:52
So total time was around 33 minutes
I enjoy running during the hottest time of day
it makes it harder to keep a fast pace
but i like the challenge
i am weird

I try to not weigh myself too often. It is very triggering for my because I can get quite
obsessive
I am happy that the scale is down a couple pounds.
I have been doing more lifting and not just running
so for a while i think i was gaining muscle weight

to be honest. i don't care as much about weight, as I do about what my body looks like

This may make some people mad, but I'm going to say it
obsessing about numbers is silly. Weighing yourself everyday is not productive
too many factors affect your weight and it WILL fluctuate

But that is just my opinion.

Life after treatment has been interesting. I think at the time I needed it. But I learned to make
excuses for my eating. "Listen to your body" "be intuitive" "your body will naturally start
craving what it needs"

I call bull shit. I used those excuses to eat far too many sweets. The body does not need as
much sweets as I had been allowing myself. I was obviously over eating and no, it was
not my "Eating Disorder" telling me so, it was just true.

I am glad that I was able to get help for my depression though, because my husband and I
are so much closer! We are trying to start a family, and that is keeping my mind in a
responsible zone.

Is it disturbing to anyone that I miss restricting. I miss the looks people give me. The
worry and attention i received from loved ones. I hope that we get pregnant soon.
because i'm having a hard time not getting back into my old ways.

8 comments:

Fed Up said...

I 100% know it's ridiculous to weigh myself every day and multiple times a day at that. Can't help it. Or don't wanna help it. Either one. So glad you are in a good place in your life right now. Running sucks for me! I think maybe once you get into it and build stamina it has to get better but I don't know if I could get to that point. 4 miles is awesome! Oh, and my hubby took that pic of me in the bathroom just to be funny..which it was.

Grace said...

babe so glad ur embracing recovery as well. how lucky to have a supportive husband as well. . . xoxo

Miss Burton said...

hey honey :)

wise words. weighing yourself every day is silly. but sometimes you just have to do it ... weird.

it is nice to hear you're doing so well. but why's everyone "recovering" all of a sudden? :D don't get me wrong, i'm happy for you. Its just - ive been reading so many blogs tonight and it seems like everyone's trying to get better. people are not as obsessed as they used to be. Which is good.

and you're running regularly now? Very good!!! 4 miles, too! I'd never be able to do that so I'm quite proud of you my dear. :)

Sophie said...

Congratulations on your decision to start a family! Super-exciting for you :) It sounds like you're doing superbly at managing your recovery without going overboard in either direction. I know what you mean about missing the... drama, I guess, of really heavy restricting - I do too. But an obsession like that is hard on relationships, isn't it. So glad things are going well for you both, and glad to have you back on blogger! <3

MiniandMerry said...

ahhh running in the hottest part of the day? only if they invent portable air con :) I can either run at the gym or early in the morning, I love the dewy air in summer when it's dawn. I weigh myself everyday and panic after weekends away without a scale, especially as I managed to gain 12lbs when I was travelling for 6 months - too much exotic food...well most of it was fried! Fantastic about trying for a baby, don't give up too soon as my aunt and uncle tried for 7 years until my little cousins came along so don't worry if you have a couple of months with no luck :) xx

K said...

nice you're awesome!! i wish i could run that far!

mary4697 said...

You are in a perfect place in your life to focus on recovery. I have been dancing with the Dragon (what I've always called my anorexia) for 36 years. I am the mother of 4 grown children and the grandmother of 2 little boys. Our dance has stolen so much from me. I am 54 years old and walk with a cane. I live with chronic pain every minute of every day. I lost several babies. One of them developed with her intestines outside of her body, a hole in her kidneys, and brain deformities. The four that survived were at-risk pregnancies. The illnesses and disorders I suffer from today completely fill a sheet of paper ~ typed, single spaced. I had to quit a career I loved because I am now classified as disabled. I could go on and and on about all that this decades-long dance with the Dragon has robbed me of, but that wasn't the purpose of this comment. I wanted to congratulate you on your decision to stop being one of the Dragon's dance partners. You have time to walk away from that unhealthy lifestyle and adopt one that will increase your chances of easy pregnancies, healthy children (if you plan to have them) and a future for yourself free from chronic pain. I realize now that I was never fat to begin with. Ironically, the medication I must now take because of the illnesses 36 years of starvation caused have the side effect of weight gain. My metabolism, in the words of my doctor, "is completely burned out due to excessive dieting." And the Dragon and I still keep on dancing...

Jenn said...

ya, when you're pregnant it is SO wonderful all the attention and it's all just so fun. The suck thing is when you have the baby and you're not the star anymore and you're sleep deprived and feel fat.

I got post partum depression twice and post partum psychosis once and it sucks but I'm SO over it and through it and my life is magic and not depressed. Keep talking about your feelings about the attention. Its ALL WORTH it in the end I promise, but if you ever feel crazy, you're not alone and it's okay to ask for help and be honest because EVERY mother can relate and will want to help you.

that's my two cents
xo