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Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Lapsing Relapse

I am on the verge of a relapse. The source of the stress I am feeling in my life is a
long story

so I will spare you the head ache and skip to what it has produced. I am in a physics class so i just have to use a formula:
Stress + ED = potential triggers hmm not sure if that works. dang.

There has been stress building up, slowly. And then all the sudden i'm being sucked into "negative coping skills" as treatment would teach me. What caused the sudden reaction? A really big stress.

I am blabbing. We are being taken advantage of by our old Landlords. For whatever reason, because there are several factors, that feeling (being taken advantage) is one of the biggest triggers for me. I start to feel invisible, voiceless, powerless. I instantly want to gain control of something.

So I've been doing well at not using my ED to cope, but I let this landlord stress get to me, and I gave in to a few behaviors.

Starting with: cutting. just a small one, minimal bleeding. My husband still doesn't know.
Then: restricting (not a ton, but when i get stressed like this I find it easier to not feel hungry, i feel more emotions.
And last night: I was watching ED movies all day, A secret between friends, Sharing a secret, hunger point. Well. I had a reasonable dinner. But I wanted to skip my dinner and was mad that I decided to heat. so. fastest way to get rid of the food in my stomach...you know

I told my husband about purging last night.
and i cried. i felt scared
he handled things very well.

but i am still struggling and I want to start restricting again. I know what i would be getting myself into:
thoughts being consumed with food, isolation, depression, emotional, dysfunctional

AHHHH

But somehow i feel like i function better with it. Ugh

Tomorrow I am going to try and liquid fast until dinner, when I'll eat with my husband. I want to lose 8 pounds.

ok really i want to lose 18 pounds. It's easy to do it during the colder season.

I can't focus in class right now because of these thoughts. If you read this, thank you.

4 comments:

Kate said...

You'll be okay. Just remember how much your husband means to you and how much you want to be healthy and happy. Just hold on.

xXzapxfireXx said...

Stay srong and think of the positives in your life! Focus on your husband and how you're trying to be healthy now.

.something.so.small. said...

Its greats that your husband understands (sort of) what you go thru. stay strong, you can lose the weight! xx

Miranda, AKA Fed Up said...

I know the urge to restrict is strong but don't go there if you think it's going to take over and threaten everything you have worked so hard for. It's a very fine line.