It was the Wine

Last night was wine happy night.  My boyfriend and I had a little fun.  I said way too much about myself though.  I told him about how I needed to start counting calories again.  "Vegetables, fruit and rice don't count as calories" he explained to me.  False.  Rice has calories, some fruits are heavy in calories.

  I was saying a bunch of silly things and then all of the sudden I broke down in tears.  I told him I was sorry that my insecurities probably created a strain between us.  I cried about how I wish I could love myself.  I told him I didn't even know how it happened. I used to remember what it was like when I was happy with myself.  He said to me "hopefully me loving you can help you love yourself".  

I feel bad because dating him really doesn't help my ed.  I want to be as skinny as him.  I want to be under 100 pounds.  I'm slowly getting my weight back down and I'm happy about that.  I know as I progress though I'll still never be satisfied.  I just try and trick myself into thinking I'll be happier when I'm X weight.  I will be happy when I'm out of the 130's again.  Bleh.  This is def un-natural weight.  Its all the sugar I'd been eating.  I forget how few calories I do consume when I'm eating lots of veggies.  Its hard to eat over 800 if I really think about it.  

I am getting ready to try and model.  I've been talking to a few people about doing some shoots.  I got a few people asking for some head shots.  I even applied for an online modeling site.  I really hope things start going.  I want to model.  I think I have what it takes.  Especially when my body is in shape.  

Thanks for reading :)

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