Embarrassing to admit that I'm that weight again. I haven't been over 130 since september/october. For a while I could say it was because I needed to be somewhat healthy to let my body recover from my car accident. Now I have no excuse. I weighed in a few days ago at 137. So although 134 is still disgusting..at least I'm going down. With the realization that I truly am the one to blame for staying this fat I feel a lot different. I feel the change coming. There is an open cast call for a bikini shoot in a month and I really want to do it. So I will. I will continue getting back in shape. I can do it in that time. At 125 my body is acceptable. It would be better if I can get back to 120 though. I just have to take things one day at a time.
Well I got to go bring my boyfriend his cancer. My eating disorder really creates a strain between us. When I'm feeling down about my body I try not to complain..and lately thats all I can think about. I don't want to always be saying how I hate myself. He asked me today if I'd tell him whats wrong or if it was too personal.
Me:"I want to tell you. You could probably guess".
Him "or you could just be upfront"
Me: "I'm fine. "
Him: "you're fine with not being up front? ok"
Me: "I'm happy. Its my own problem"
Me: "Forget I said anything"
We haven't said anything to each other since. He doesn't know that I didn't have to go to school tonight, and neither did I he he. So I'm going to go make up, surprise him at work. Bleh sometimes being single is so nice. Then other times its like..I don't like being alone