Last night was wine happy night. My boyfriend and I had a little fun. I said way too much about myself though. I told him about how I needed to start counting calories again. "Vegetables, fruit and rice don't count as calories" he explained to me. False. Rice has calories, some fruits are heavy in calories.
I was saying a bunch of silly things and then all of the sudden I broke down in tears. I told him I was sorry that my insecurities probably created a strain between us. I cried about how I wish I could love myself. I told him I didn't even know how it happened. I used to remember what it was like when I was happy with myself. He said to me "hopefully me loving you can help you love yourself".
I feel bad because dating him really doesn't help my ed. I want to be as skinny as him. I want to be under 100 pounds. I'm slowly getting my weight back down and I'm happy about that. I know as I progress though I'll still never be satisfied. I just try and trick myself into thinking I'll be happier when I'm X weight. I will be happy when I'm out of the 130's again. Bleh. This is def un-natural weight. Its all the sugar I'd been eating. I forget how few calories I do consume when I'm eating lots of veggies. Its hard to eat over 800 if I really think about it.
I am getting ready to try and model. I've been talking to a few people about doing some shoots. I got a few people asking for some head shots. I even applied for an online modeling site. I really hope things start going. I want to model. I think I have what it takes. Especially when my body is in shape.
Thanks for reading :)