134.5

Embarrassing to admit that I'm that weight again.  I haven't been over 130 since september/october.  For a while I could say it was because I needed to be somewhat healthy to let my body recover from my car accident.  Now I have no excuse.  I weighed in a few days ago at 137.  So although 134 is still disgusting..at least I'm going down.  With the realization that I truly am the one to blame for staying this fat I feel a lot different.  I feel the change coming.  There is an open cast call for a bikini shoot in a month and I really want to do it.  So I will.  I will continue getting back in shape.  I can do it in that time.  At 125 my body is acceptable.  It would be better if I can get back to 120 though.  I just have to take things one day at a time.  

Well I got to go bring my boyfriend his cancer.  My eating disorder really creates a strain between us.  When I'm feeling down about my body I try not to complain..and lately thats all I can think about.  I don't want to always be saying how I hate myself.   He asked me today if I'd tell him whats wrong or if it was too personal.  

Me:"I want to tell you.  You could probably guess".  

Him "or you could just be upfront" 

Me: "I'm fine. "  

Him: "you're fine with not being up front? ok"

Me: "I'm happy.  Its my own problem"

Him: "Yea"

Me: "Forget I said anything"

We haven't said anything to each other since.  He doesn't know that I didn't have to go to school tonight, and neither did I he he.  So I'm going to go make up, surprise him at work.  Bleh sometimes being single is so nice.  Then other times its like..I don't like being alone

Xoxo