We're All A Little Disordered

I wrote this on my personal blog, shared it with friends and family :). Enjoy


I have been trying to come up with a clever title for this post. Hopefully I can draw something from what I am about to say to give it a smashing one.

I am not angry at you, world. I am sad. I am sad that (usually) the first compliment we give to friends or strangers is about their bodies or personal image. As my husband says, comments like these are easy because they don't require you to directly interact with a person or to even really know the person whatsoever. The are comments that can stem purely from observation. You don't have to know me to notice my good hair, nice eyes, great legs, or changes in body shape from when we may've last met (cause trust me people I rarely talk to have talked about my weight with me). We all do it, we will keep doing it, and it is WRONG.

I started my recovery process for an eating disorder in the fall of 2010. It has been a long process, but over the past year and a half I have been way more candid. I have opened up and told my story to people. And do you want to know what the first question I usually get asked? 

"What kind did you have?"

I hate answering that question because I think it's irrelevant. I wish people understood this very important thing: Any form of disordered eating is not healthy. Why do we have to put a label on what kind someone has? I was about to rant about how there are three categories, anorexia, bulimia, and EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified), but I guess onestudy they have added two categories: Psychogenic Vomiting (the relation between patterns of vomiting and psychiatric diagnoses)

, and Pica (characterized by an appetite for substances largely non-nutritive, such as ice, clay, chalk, dirt or sand).

Whatever

Now my ADD has kicked in and I want to take this post all over the place. I will not. I will keep it brief and to the point. 

We are all a little disordered okay? Maybe you don't focus on food or body image in the same way as someone who has (or hasn't) been diagnosed with an eating disorder. But, society focuses on body image and food so much, I truly believe we are all a little disordered (in case you can't tell, I have used this for my title by now. I actually came up with the title in the third paragraph).

We all make comments on our bodies, or how "bad" we are being for eating that dessert. We compare our bodies to our friends, we peak at their plates to make sure our portions match.

People are trying to be positive with the compliments, but by stating positives we imply negatives. So when Sally says "Mindy you are so good for not eating that cookie, I can't say no." Would she then tell me the next time I ate a cookie, "Mindy you ate that cookie, you are bad, you can't say no". (Do it, I dare you.)

If you want to talk to me a simple, "Hi Mindy" would suffice. If you want to say something positive about me "I notice how hard you work" "You are a very passionate person" would work for me. 

If you want to have small talk, I enjoy talking about the weather, not clothing sizes. 

Can't take back

There is something in my brain that gets switched on. The worst but easiest example of what I am talking about is:

I am eating a cookie. I eat two. I don't want to eat anymore. But I have 3. The idea comes in that maybe I can purge.

And then I want another. I can just purge in 10 min

Soon I have had five. I have already decided I am going to purge. It turns into an over powering, physical and mental NEED.

It is scary that a switch like that lives inside me

That is the disturbing part of an eating disorder that is hard for people to understand.

I could call my husband when these urges happen. But in those moments they are more than urges. The decision has already been made.


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Survival

January. May.


I am just trying to survive right now. I am trying to balance many urges, impulses, actions, and so forth.

Therapy- I want to end it. Our last visit, 3 weeks ago, was hard for me. It basically came down to me deciding, am I ready to give up the eating disorder?
Honest truth.
no

I can't will this away. Do I want to live like this? NO! Do you know how pathetic it feels to purge in a public bathroom after a meal? Or to cry because you can't stand the fat on your arms? There are a lot worse things to cry about.

But no one can tell me HOW to recover. Why? Because I have to choose to really recover.

I am exhausted. Mentally. Physically. And emotional.

The guilt I feel because of what I it my husband and family through is unbearable. The shame I feel for being 24 years old, having gone through treatment almost 3 years ago, being a binge drinker last summer, hurts. It just hurts.

How do I do it. HOW?
I will never be good enough.

Mal-Adaptive

-this is me

Mal-Adaptive
I had a pretty good therapy session today. I thought it was going to be a lot harder than it was. I want to tell you all what he explained to me, and then I will continue to ramble. BUT READ THE FOLLOWING PARAGRAPH!

He compared to adolescent males. The first one is exposed to pornography in some way. At first this behavior is just a way to relieve tension. And then, something emotional in his life happens. Let's say he..breaks up with his girlfriend or something, instead of talking about it, he turns to pornography to control his emotions. He is never able to talk about his feelings, overtime pornography becomes an addiction in dealing with his emotions. Maybe overtime he also feels guilty or ashamed of his addiction, he can't talk about it, so it's an endless cycle. He called this Mal-adaptive.
Now, boy number 2 looks at porn, decides he doesn't want to go down the path, and talks to someone about it. His girlfriend breaks up with him, he talks to someone about it. He feels stressed at school, talks about it. He is able to adapt to his emotions by talking to others.
But the other boy never learned how to do that.

It is very comparable to my Eating Disorder. Although the actual food restriction didn't really start until I was 18, I definitely think I internalized my emotions at a young age. I love my mother very much, but she was sometimes very critical toward me (but as I have grown up I realize this is how she is with everyone). So rather than acting out in rebellious ways, I internalized everything. Rather than tell her how I felt about my father being gone, I internalized. I never learned how to vocalize my feelings. I started cutting when I was 16. I had low self esteem and self worth at a young age.

I guess it was really good to have him explain that to me in front of my husband. It made me feel like, hey I am not so screwed up after all. There is nothing 'wrong' with my brain. I just am tightly bonded to a Mal-adaptive behavior
Last time we met, our therapist asked us to think about what direction we wanted to go in, because he might be leaving the office we go to. P and I originally went in to get marriage counseling. Last summer we were pretty rocky. Most of it attributes to losing our baby.

Anyway, we have hit the one year mark of losing her, and I survived that pretty well. Our last few sessions have always seemed to land on my Eating Disorder. This topic became more prevalent after my family found this blog and my Instagram account. But just as I sometimes express myself pretty harshly on here, I sometimes do in therapy when I am on my own. I am able to speak my mind. So we have decided that I will go every other week for now.
I told my therapist I did not want to find a new person, I didn't know if finding someone who specialized in ED would be better(he is a sex therapist more or less). But he said, they find most therapy is successful because of the relationship and trust you build with your therapist. So I am pleased.

Unfortunately I am struggling. I have lost almost 10 pounds the last 4-6 weeks. Some of it is normal, some is because of restriction.

How the hell

How in the hell am I supposed to connect with anyone these days? My younger sister has started using Herba Life supplements and shakes. Every other fucking day is a post of how she has lost weight, progress pics, blah blah blah. She has gotten my other two sisters to join her. I am not raining on their wellness parade. (Well maybe I am a little). It's just like, agghhhghhhhhhhh Shut up. Please.






She invite me to her "shake" party.
Me: sorry that stuff is way to triggering for my eating disorder.

Two weeks later my other sister invites me.

I gave the same response.

I just am so triggered. I am already teetering on relapse mode. When I see the obsession and constant focus from them, it makes me want to puke. It also makes me think
why am I not trying to lose weight? I should be trying to lose weight. I should be only eating once a day and drinking shakes like they do

You get bet that I get the worst anxiety just thinking of what we would talk about if we got together " weight loss. Weight loss weight loss weight loss."

I love them. But I can't be around them right now. I just can't. I am happy they are achieving what they want. I truly am.

But I have to set boundaries. And I wish I didn't

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Can you let yourself go there?

I had a therapy appointment today. Just me and the therapist. We have been seeing him as a couple since June/July. I felt like going alone because sometimes its hard to talk about my eating disorder in front of Perry.

A: How are things going
Me: I am having a hard time.
A:what's going on?
Me: I have been restricting.

After a few sentences he states
A: I have never seen this side of you. You seem very open, vulnerable, real. I wonder what it would be like if you were this way around everyone

That has stuck with me all night. I definitely was different today in front of him. I came to him very humbled. Very worn. Very eager for help. Maybe he saw the side of me that is scared. The side of me that really wants help. Really wants freedom.

Me: I feel like I want to evade the emotions. I need to be empty(oops ED language came out)
A: what do you mean empty
Me: ... I don't know why I said that .... I guess I meant when I restrict I feel numb. It numbs my emotions.

My therapist is a marriage/family/sex therapist. He is not really in the ED realm. But I feel like he is very aware. I usually refer my baby as "the baby" "our baby".

A: does it bother you if I refer your daughter as your daughter?
Me: no. But I can't
A: why is that? Do you feel like you have a daughter?
Me: no

I cried a lot. It's hard to call her my daughter. It's hard to call her by the name we gave her, Olive. It makes it more real if I call her those things.

A: does not referring your daughter as anything more personal make it easier to numb your emotions?
Me: yes.
A: what would you want to say to her if you could talk to her?
Me: I hate disappointing people
A: how do you do that?
Me: by the way I act and how I cope

After more talking:
A: are you going to be okay this week?
Me: I am not going to do anything majorly stupid
A: should I be worried about you?
Me: I doubt I will stop restricting. I am sorry but I can't promise I will stop
A: I understand. But I want you to try and get back to where you were emotionally today. I want you to try and let yourself feel how you feel today. Did it feel good, as hard as it may have been, to talk to me about what is going on?
Me: yes. And it feels good to cry
A: then I want you to try and get back here and not hold back those emotions.

I really liked therapy today. And I am going to try and do what he asked

Loves

-M

I'm glad you are still doin hair

I had a client tell me "I'm glad you are still doing hair" as he left the salon. I forget that people appreciate me. Not just family or the husband. But coworkers, clients, acquaintances. I know I make it pretty hard for people to appreciate me. I am not always the most patient. Not am I very open.

I have a hard time trusting people. And this is not something I suddenly have a problem with, it's been the last 4 years. Do people have a hidden agenda? Why aren't they giving more effort to the relationship? Etc. I set expectations on people, sometimes realistic, other times not. There are some people that I feel accept what I have to say without judgement. There are others who I know try to listen with open ears, but judge.

And I don't blame them.

I do that myself.

Why do I create walls?

Fighting with myself

I don't expect people to understand why I do what I do. Or how I react and lead my actions. Hell. Half the time I don't know why I do it. Take last night for example:
Husband is running his hands through my hair, but is doing it in a way that hurt. I try to tell him that it hurts, and proceed to show him an example of how to do it differently. He gets peeved, I shut down and am ready to go to bed.
That story ends well because we reconciled 10 min later. That is not he point though.
The point is I don't purposely try to shut down, over react, or be dramatic. I am normally a very easy going person, who evades drama like someone who is ill and I don't want to get what they have.
I really think I have an imbalance in my body. Hormonal? Chemical? I don't know.
And right now my brain wants to relapse. I am fighting so hard the past week. With all of the emotions of losing my baby coming to head(March 25th is the year), and on top of it all a big family issue has come up, I want to cope in the way I know how.
I am angry that I can't ride out my feelings of loss and grief on its own. I feel like that it will only prolong needing a "vice" to "handle" my emotions.
If my family is reading this right now, please remember this is where I vent. This blog is where I release my impulsive thoughts. This blog is where I vent my irrational thinking. And with that as a precursor: I am angry
I don't want to have to feel ashamed, or angry, or bitter toward family right now. It is not fair that my baby is not given my full attention. I have not cried about this all month because I am on the defense. I am not happy that I have to deal with you finding my blog and losing my baby at the same time.
It happened. It is done. Can't change that.
But please let me grieve. Let me honor my little baby. Let me cry for her and feel how I need to feel. That's all I want. But I have yet to do that.
I just want to feel what I need to feel.

Weight Budging

Back in November(when I think my thyroid started acting weird) I put on 15 extra pounds. Now, some of this was actual diet choices, eating out, being depressed and not physical, but as soon as I felt the weight got too much I changed my habits. I tried healthy eating habits. I started working out. It's so frustrating.

Nothing changed.

And after taking some supplements for my thyroid, I finally got my energy back! I finally got the drive to start exercising again. And FINALLy I feel like my body is getting back to normal

I try and not focus on the actual number. I see it in my face though, in my legs. I was actually pretty content of where I was last fall. So hopefully things continue! And I can continue to work on healthy habits.

But I am not perfect




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Anxiety

I have never been the person to have panic attacks. I have never experienced one. At least two of my sisters do though, and I have been present when it's happened.

The anxiety I feel is more internal. It builds and builds. Never really causing me to have an outburst. And I get to points though, where I have to release this anxiety. Cutting, starving, purging, drinking, whatever it may be. And I sometimes honestly can't stop it. The more and more I try and stop those urges, the easier it is to try and do positive things.

But it's not easy. And sometimes I feel broken. I am broken because I keep coping in negative ways.



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Running

In my lowest of lows of my ED one thing I didn't ever abuse was running. Yes I would get obsessive with a set running schedule. Yes I would beat myself up if I missed a run I had planned. That was me just needing to have a routine, and then punishing myself for "failing".

I love running. I love being able to push myself with something, pushing my mind and body (even after 2 minutes into my run I think I can't do another 18). I especially love outdoor running!

I can't wait for spring. I can't wait to do some trail running. The rythmn my body and mind get into while running is comforting to me. And it has been so long since I have been able to run.

After my time at the treatment center I was able to do a couple 5ks. But the fall of 2011 I started relapsing, and then I got pregnant. After I lost the baby, well for many reasons, there was no time(I wasn't making time).
It has literally been almost 1.5 years since I have ran more than once or twice a month.

Currently I average 3 runs a week. This week i will make it 4. My goal is to do the following
2 3-5 mile runs
1 sprint run OR hill run
1 long run 4+ miles

Reason is my friend wants me to run a half marathon with her. The only reason I don't think I will do it is because of money. But I do know I will be running 5ks.
I am so happy

Update your blog girl

Lol. I don't know who posted that comment but it made me laugh. Does anyone know how to filter spam comments? There was like 5 on my last post

I am alive and doing a lot better than in December. I have made a lot of lifestyle changes. I have stopped drinking(minus one relapse in Jan) and am trying to stay focused.

I have slowly and surely been getting physically active again. I have tried to just get my butt to the gym as much as I can. I don't get down on myself if I can't go as much as I like. I started running again and it feels amazing!

Health update: my thyroid is finally getting back to normal. I have started having more energy again, I am functioning better! It's amazing.

Mental health update: this is the month. The 25th is the day I lost my baby. So I am teetering on an edge of impulsiveness. I am working really hard to stay smart and strong. But overall I feel a lot happier. I have cut back how much I work. I have more free time. I am feeling like myself. I still have a lot of work to do but I will get there.




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