I am just trying to survive right now. I am trying to balance many urges, impulses, actions, and so forth.
Therapy- I want to end it. Our last visit, 3 weeks ago, was hard for me. It basically came down to me deciding, am I ready to give up the eating disorder?
Honest truth.
no
I can't will this away. Do I want to live like this? NO! Do you know how pathetic it feels to purge in a public bathroom after a meal? Or to cry because you can't stand the fat on your arms? There are a lot worse things to cry about.
But no one can tell me HOW to recover. Why? Because I have to choose to really recover.
I am exhausted. Mentally. Physically. And emotional.
The guilt I feel because of what I it my husband and family through is unbearable. The shame I feel for being 24 years old, having gone through treatment almost 3 years ago, being a binge drinker last summer, hurts. It just hurts.
How do I do it. HOW?
I will never be good enough.
2 comments:
I think that the place that you need to get to is where you understand that you are who you are and that's the only person you can be. Being better or being a certain way will only work if it compliments the kind of person thata you are. Trying to conform to crazy standards that others set for you is a recipe for disaster and one which will leave you feeling hopeless and a failure. It is important that you figure out what makes you happy and what you want to do. To pursue those things. Otherwise, you are living someone else's happiness and no your own. I feel like I went through this quite recently too and what I learnt was that it is okay to have flaws and problems, but when you start trying to act like you think they are problems because other people do - this is the issue. Let your freak flag fly and if you do things - do it for yourself. Binge drinking isn't a problem, i don't think. as long as you're having fun. And the ED - purging is dangerous no doubt. But you will give it up when you are ready to. Xo
Survival is good. Balance is good.
Sad that you're not ready to kick this out of your head just yet, but it's a fucking hard thing to do and if you're not ready then you're not ready.
I respect that you're grown up enough to make your own damn choices and I still love you, ne.
*Huggles* I wish you weren't so exhaustipated right now. If I lives closer I'd come force you to have a rest while I did your housework so there was one less thing to worry about :p
Just because you're still alive, I think you're good enough. I don't care WHAT your head tries to tell you, you're plenty good enough in my book.
Love you, ST <3
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