I am just trying to survive right now. I am trying to balance many urges, impulses, actions, and so forth.
Therapy- I want to end it. Our last visit, 3 weeks ago, was hard for me. It basically came down to me deciding, am I ready to give up the eating disorder?
I can't will this away. Do I want to live like this? NO! Do you know how pathetic it feels to purge in a public bathroom after a meal? Or to cry because you can't stand the fat on your arms? There are a lot worse things to cry about.
But no one can tell me HOW to recover. Why? Because I have to choose to really recover.
I am exhausted. Mentally. Physically. And emotional.
The guilt I feel because of what I it my husband and family through is unbearable. The shame I feel for being 24 years old, having gone through treatment almost 3 years ago, being a binge drinker last summer, hurts. It just hurts.
How do I do it. HOW?
I will never be good enough.