You're not alone

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Can't take back

There is something in my brain that gets switched on. The worst but easiest example of what I am talking about is:

I am eating a cookie. I eat two. I don't want to eat anymore. But I have 3. The idea comes in that maybe I can purge.

And then I want another. I can just purge in 10 min

Soon I have had five. I have already decided I am going to purge. It turns into an over powering, physical and mental NEED.

It is scary that a switch like that lives inside me

That is the disturbing part of an eating disorder that is hard for people to understand.

I could call my husband when these urges happen. But in those moments they are more than urges. The decision has already been made.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone


Peridot (G+P) said...

The addiction component of Ed? I don't know :/

Love you *huggles*

Jenn said...

Yes, you have articulated this phenomenon very nicely. Just perfectly. ugh

Anonymous said...

I'm 15, not underweight or diagnosed with an ED, but I understand completely what you're describing and even though I dont purge so often I think about it so much!

XO said...

I have that feeling too... I've never been the size I am today and only started eating more because I wanted to fall pregnant.. that hasn't happened and now I'm forever in the "just one more" or "just another bite and I can't stop myself. I used to love counting my ribs but now as I sit here I feel a bulge and my cheek bones aren't so visable and as much as I try I just can't loose the weight!. I need help to lose the weight fast, I can't stand to look at myself or the feeling of the fat wobble.