I had a therapy appointment today. Just me and the therapist. We have been seeing him as a couple since June/July. I felt like going alone because sometimes its hard to talk about my eating disorder in front of Perry.
A: How are things going
Me: I am having a hard time.
A:what's going on?
Me: I have been restricting.
After a few sentences he states
A: I have never seen this side of you. You seem very open, vulnerable, real. I wonder what it would be like if you were this way around everyone
That has stuck with me all night. I definitely was different today in front of him. I came to him very humbled. Very worn. Very eager for help. Maybe he saw the side of me that is scared. The side of me that really wants help. Really wants freedom.
Me: I feel like I want to evade the emotions. I need to be empty(oops ED language came out)
A: what do you mean empty
Me: ... I don't know why I said that .... I guess I meant when I restrict I feel numb. It numbs my emotions.
My therapist is a marriage/family/sex therapist. He is not really in the ED realm. But I feel like he is very aware. I usually refer my baby as "the baby" "our baby".
A: does it bother you if I refer your daughter as your daughter?
Me: no. But I can't
A: why is that? Do you feel like you have a daughter?
I cried a lot. It's hard to call her my daughter. It's hard to call her by the name we gave her, Olive. It makes it more real if I call her those things.
A: does not referring your daughter as anything more personal make it easier to numb your emotions?
A: what would you want to say to her if you could talk to her?
Me: I hate disappointing people
A: how do you do that?
Me: by the way I act and how I cope
After more talking:
A: are you going to be okay this week?
Me: I am not going to do anything majorly stupid
A: should I be worried about you?
Me: I doubt I will stop restricting. I am sorry but I can't promise I will stop
A: I understand. But I want you to try and get back to where you were emotionally today. I want you to try and let yourself feel how you feel today. Did it feel good, as hard as it may have been, to talk to me about what is going on?
Me: yes. And it feels good to cry
A: then I want you to try and get back here and not hold back those emotions.
I really liked therapy today. And I am going to try and do what he asked