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Sunday, March 17, 2013

Fighting with myself

I don't expect people to understand why I do what I do. Or how I react and lead my actions. Hell. Half the time I don't know why I do it. Take last night for example:
Husband is running his hands through my hair, but is doing it in a way that hurt. I try to tell him that it hurts, and proceed to show him an example of how to do it differently. He gets peeved, I shut down and am ready to go to bed.
That story ends well because we reconciled 10 min later. That is not he point though.
The point is I don't purposely try to shut down, over react, or be dramatic. I am normally a very easy going person, who evades drama like someone who is ill and I don't want to get what they have.
I really think I have an imbalance in my body. Hormonal? Chemical? I don't know.
And right now my brain wants to relapse. I am fighting so hard the past week. With all of the emotions of losing my baby coming to head(March 25th is the year), and on top of it all a big family issue has come up, I want to cope in the way I know how.
I am angry that I can't ride out my feelings of loss and grief on its own. I feel like that it will only prolong needing a "vice" to "handle" my emotions.
If my family is reading this right now, please remember this is where I vent. This blog is where I release my impulsive thoughts. This blog is where I vent my irrational thinking. And with that as a precursor: I am angry
I don't want to have to feel ashamed, or angry, or bitter toward family right now. It is not fair that my baby is not given my full attention. I have not cried about this all month because I am on the defense. I am not happy that I have to deal with you finding my blog and losing my baby at the same time.
It happened. It is done. Can't change that.
But please let me grieve. Let me honor my little baby. Let me cry for her and feel how I need to feel. That's all I want. But I have yet to do that.
I just want to feel what I need to feel.


Peridot (G+P) said...

Oh bloody hell *Hugs*

Blogger is an important and incredibly valuable place to vent things and get them out of your system so they don't build up and explode.

I wish that you were able to deal with the Angelbaby Anniversary properly without other stuff getting in the way. It's so many kinds of unfair that I want to punch life in the face for you.

This combination of events is such a massive trigger-recipe, you are so awesome for fighting the relapse urge off. I demand the highest of long-dustnace high-fives and I'm squishing a ton of bear hugs and imaginary tissues through the internet for you.

I hope they can respect your wishes and your privacy and give you the space to grieve as you need to.

I'll reply to your comment when I'm less braindead. Stupid no-sleep is stupid. Thank you for the warm fuzzies about my art, you are AMAZING *glomps*

Love you to bits, ST. Sending you all my love <3

Anlipanman said...

Vent all you want, non of us are here to judge, but here to listen :)

You are incredibly amazing for fighting through the urges and giving me strength.

Hope all goes well, and I wish the best for you.