B: half bagel with light cream cheese. A couple small handfuls of cheerios.
D: made P a birthday dinner, chicken veggie stirfry with rice. Oh and don't forget salad. I made it through a couple bites of stir fry and half my salad.
I rested my forehead on hands and said to P defeatedly:
It's really hard for me to eat right now.
He sweetly said, maybe finish your salad and have a couple bites if you can.
Minutes after his family showed up o celebrate his birthday. I offered them the uneaten meal.
Desert: small portion of brownie, no bake peanut butter thing, and about 1/3 cup of ice cream.
Dinner, take 2:
1/2 cup of cheerios, 1/2 banana, almond milk
Why does restricting make me feel so good? When I had the choice of grabbing food for lunch, I by passed it. I wanted to skip it. What drives me to want to starve?
Here are a few triggers:
Sense of control: cliche, but so unbelievable true that it's haunting
Depression(although this can also lead to carless eating)
Punishing myself or others
Coping with stress, anger, fear
Does anyone mind if I ask what weird compulsions or rituals you have? I got asked that while I was being assessed at the treatment center. My answers:
Hot drinks have to be hot, cold drinks have to be iced(and usually I have to be able to drink them with a straw or without getting liquid on my upper lip.
I don't like touching metal on doors. I am a germaphobe. I hate when things aren't organized.
I usually like eating with a fork and knife so I can neatly it my food. I don't like using big spoons.
I don't like eating food with my hands, I hate when food makes them greasy or sticky.
I am sure there are more but can't think of any and may not notice some.
I love being married. Ah. P and I are excellent lovers for each other. I retire to sleep before I say too much.
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