You're not alone

Thursday, October 14, 2010


B: half bagel with light cream cheese. A couple small handfuls of cheerios.
L: ---
D: made P a birthday dinner, chicken veggie stirfry with rice. Oh and don't forget salad. I made it through a couple bites of stir fry and half my salad.

I rested my forehead on hands and said to P defeatedly:

It's really hard for me to eat right now.

He sweetly said, maybe finish your salad and have a couple bites if you can.

Minutes after his family showed up o celebrate his birthday. I offered them the uneaten meal.

Desert: small portion of brownie, no bake peanut butter thing, and about 1/3 cup of ice cream.

Dinner, take 2:
1/2 cup of cheerios, 1/2 banana, almond milk

Why does restricting make me feel so good? When I had the choice of grabbing food for lunch, I by passed it. I wanted to skip it. What drives me to want to starve?

Here are a few triggers:

Sense of control: cliche, but so unbelievable true that it's haunting


Depression(although this can also lead to carless eating)

Self esteem

Punishing myself or others

Coping with stress, anger, fear

Does anyone mind if I ask what weird compulsions or rituals you have? I got asked that while I was being assessed at the treatment center. My answers:

Hot drinks have to be hot, cold drinks have to be iced(and usually I have to be able to drink them with a straw or without getting liquid on my upper lip.

I don't like touching metal on doors. I am a germaphobe. I hate when things aren't organized.

I usually like eating with a fork and knife so I can neatly it my food. I don't like using big spoons.

I don't like eating food with my hands, I hate when food makes them greasy or sticky.

I am sure there are more but can't think of any and may not notice some.

I love being married. Ah. P and I are excellent lovers for each other. I retire to sleep before I say too much.

- Posted usin BlogPress from my iPhone


Ana Gaia said...

It's difficult to know which of your own compulsions are 'weird'; mine all seem pretty reasonable to me.

Hot food needs to be scalding hot - I want to get my food last so it doesn't cool down while waiting for everyone else to get theirs.

NOBODY else is to dish up my meal! I know how much or how little I want; you don't.

I'm also a germaphobe and usually clean the kitchen twice a day. I can't leave the house in the morning if the kitchen hasn't been cleaned.

Not a compulsion, just a comment: I like reading your posts. You have interesting things to say :)

Anonymous said...

I have quite a few compulsions which other people would classify as 'weird'.

I can't have someone serve up my meal, I have to put what I want on my plate. It also has to be put on in a certain order, healthiest foods to least healthiest foods.

And I have to wash my plate etc before anything gets put on it, even if its just come out of the dishwasher.

I have to eat cereal, soup or anything which requires a spoon with a teaspoon not a normal sized one. I hate normal sized ones for some reason.

I hate 'mixed' foods, different types of food have to be seperated and not touching.

Before I start eating everything has to be cut up into tiny pieces.

Very strange :D I also agree with you, restricting does feel good :)

Anonymous said...

oh mindy i love you! I'm sorry this has come such a horrible part of your life in a way i feel like this is my fault we both encouraged each other so much...
but how can we not love it restricting is so freeing...

weirdest compulsion, only i can put my food a plate,
must leave at least a 1/4 of what i started out with on my dish.
meals must consist of either mostly veg or lean protein, and minimal sugar.
organize my desk, bag, and room, and have everything ready for the next day...

I love you girly and i'm glad you are enjoying married life so much

Mich said...

I'd love to know when my weird habits crossed the line to compulsion...

I'm a bit of a nazi when it comes to measuring things--everything I eat or drink gets measured, and if I'm having a cup of soup, it must be EXACTLY one cup (like I'll stare at the measuring cup to make sure it's right on the line or I have to re-measure). And I carry a tsp measure around in my purse.

There's an endless list of other ones, most of them not food related, just me being wacky.

Avani said...

your compulsions sound a lot like mine. I love automatic doors cause then I don't have to touch ANYTHING. At college, sometimes I'll walk around the whole building just to get to the one or two auto doors they have.

Sottile said...

Oh compulsions, how I love thee.

After I finish breakfast, I cannot eat anything until after the clock strikes noon. Otherwise no lunch.

Once it becomes 4pm, I cannot eat until dinner, and dinner must come after 5pm and before 6pm, not one minute outside of those 60 minutes. Otherwise I cannot eat dinner.

No eating after 8pm. Drinking okay if it is water, but I hate getting up at night to pee, so I usually don't drink anything anyway.

I must always leave at least one bite of whatever I am eating. Never eat the whole thing.

I always use a dessert fork and teaspoon instead of eating with large utensils. (It's funny how a lot of people have this same thing!)

Small bites, always!