You're not alone

Friday, April 23, 2010

Rainy Days, Grayed Skies

Date Taken: 4.22 - a sweater I made with my b/f band logo
Do you ever feel like you don't know yourself? Caught between some alternate reality, or state of mind. I think it might have to do with getting older in general. My boyfriend says I'm a woman, but I still feel like a girl. A few days ago I was working out, I think I was doing rows with a pulley machine. When I do resistance training I like to look in the mirror and check my form. I feel in the writing/story mood, so here is the rest of the experience:

Working out comes hard for some, impossible for others, and then exciting for anyone like me. When I walk in the doors, get my pass scanned and walk to the dressing room, I keep my chin up and hold my posture well. I start getting into the zone. I pass males who give me the eye, and ignore their interested looks. I roll my eyes at the girl just sitting on the machine, texting on her phone, or flirting with someone.
I am not ashamed to dress in front of anyone in the locker room. I work out and whether or not I'm the best looking person at the time, it motivates me. Just before I walk onto the gym floor I put in my ear buds and turn on some favorite workout music.
I'm wearing my tennis shoes, simple shorts, baggy t-shirt. I don't see anyone. I hear my music and I begin with the task ahead. Today I plan to workout my chest, triceps, back, and lower abs. After that I'll run on the treadmill for at least 3 miles.
Its always annoying to use the pulley machines. I'd venture to say most girls don't go near it, and the ones that do are super in shape and toned. So when this thin figure walks up to the pulleys, I have to guard where I am! Guys are rude and overlook me.
I start doing my set, I'm always moving. Tricep pull down max out on reps, pushups, triceps, leg lifts, triceps, push ups. Then I move to the chest, and so on. The whole time I continually check to make sure my body is in proper position. My back is straight, my legs are bent, and I'm using the right muscles to do the exercise.
I was doing rows, checking the alignment on my back, when I looked at my face in the mirror.

I wanted to dropped the bar and get away from my reflection. I stared at my face for what seemed like ages. I wanted to cry. I was searching for the 17 year old girl. The girl that was happy to go to the gym because it made her feel wonderful. I stared at the soon to be 21 year old stranger who enjoyed the gym, but mostly went because she'd hate herself if she didn't go.

I searched for the young, care free smile that was nearly always spread across her face. The young self that had never made herself fast for 5 days, or eat herself sick, knowing she'd throw it all up. The young girl hardly stepped on the scale, she was content with her average weight: 137 lbs she would admit to people, without resentment. The young girl that loved herself and focused her energy on loving life itself. If I could have only found her, and told her not to end up like me.
I couldn't see a trace of her in the mirror. Who was this narrow-faced person looking at me. When did I change into such a different person? Why did I decide to look up tips of starvation and extreme weightloss? God help me. Who is that sick person I call myself? I hope I'm dreaming. But I reach up and touch my cheek, that is who I am.



i also sometimes wonder when all this started.and why? i vaguely remember feeling unhappy in my body shape and some clothes feeling a little tight, but i can't pin point the first day i woke up and decided food was my enemy. i don't remember the first proana website i visited.
i don't know who i am now. and i don't know how to be the me i was before.
it actually scares me.

hun, we all feel like that sometimes, you're not alone. everyone goes thorugh struggles in life, but one day you will look back and see you've become a stronger person.
stay strong

Sottile said...

You are not alone. Know that. We all forget who we are. I know this won't fix things, but I just want you to know you have a community here :)

Elegant Thinspo said...

i can only add the same thing: you're not alone, these are the questions everyone of us asks themselves.

stay strong,

Charr. said...

Ask myself the same thing every day :/
Having those digital photo frames projecting pictures of me with my family when I was younger...smiling, happy & innocent just makes me feel that much worse > <

Kristal said...

I think we often forget the raw beginnings of it all. Always remember the middle of it as that's the hard part. I'd just like to hope when it ends, I'm not in a hospital and/or coffin.

You're a lovely creature no matter how alone you feel. Which btw, you're not alone.

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