You're not alone

Sunday, August 8, 2010

I feel loved

I'm obsessing. I'm writing everything down. I'm checking out my body every morning and night. I poke my bones to see if they are there. I anticipate to step on the scale in the morning. My arms are flabby, they could use some work. I have to get rid of this sugar fat.

I went to the treatment center to pick up the pricing information. It went like so:

i walked into the building and was warmly greeted by the receptionist. i stumbled over the words "inpatient...treatment...pricing". admissions lady is busy, but receptionist can answer some questions.

"we usually recommend 3 months for bulimia, 4 months for anorexia, keep in mind everyone is different" she was interrupted by the admissions lady on the phone.. i stepped away and got a drink. I nearly cried right in front of her.

she asks me to wait, i take a seat, trying to hide behind a floral arrangement. i'm freaking out inside, 4 months? no. 3 weeks is what my therapist talked about. would they want me to do more? this sucks. RUN AWAY MINDY!

i stayed seated, a girl walks in with her mother. she is being dropped off. she looks healthy, i try not to make eye contact but it happens. she is wondering why this fat girl is sitting at the front of the building crying.

admissions lady takes me into her office. we talk, i tell her i'm overwhelmed. she is so nice. "i know its hard, but you're doing the right thing"

I don't deserve so much love and support. from you guys, from my fiance', Perry. There you go, that is his name. I adore him. I love him. He was so sweet with me last night when I was talking to my mom about treatment. I'm still scared.

I'm a little less fat today. I know I went over my calorie goals for today, but I worked hard at the salon and I've been doing really well so I don't feel too guilty. I am hoping to get rid of some stomach flab. its gross.


thinxXxspo said...

wow, you are so brave! defo an inspiration to me! it takes courage and bravery to have it out in the open and even more so to go into treatment. i love you darling i hope you do well! keep us posted on when, how long, etc. xxoo

Spacecadet18 said...

I know that I'm going to miss you, but I'm happy that you're getting healthy again. It's a huge step, and you're such a strong woman. Yes, woman. Best wishes and hopes for your future. You are so loved by me and the other people who blog, as well as your family and the people trying to help you.

The Crazy Rose said...

Getting real treatment is one of the most important decisions that you can make for yourself. But just know that you will get out of it what you put into it. No one can force you to want this, that has to come from you. And it won't feel like wanting it all the time, it will be a huge struggle. As long as you know that part of you, somewhere in there, wants it, for P, for your marriage, for your health, for your future children, but mostly for YOU. If you can remember that part, you should be golden. I'm so proud of you! Good luck :)


Annie said...

you are so strong. to be able to do this. and to not run away when you felt overwhelmed.

i support you, and i know you can do it! :)

much love.

Anonymous said...

Good for you!! How hard that must have been for you. You have all the support you need and you can do it if you want to.

Princess.Smile said...

I'm so happy for you that you want to get better! It takes a lot to admit you have a problem and ask for help, so I'm really proud of you!!

I know you'll be fine, and I hope you and P have a MONUMENTAL wedding day, hunnymoon and marriage!

Much Love! xx