Right now I'm stable, I'm happy, I'm managing my obsession, my compulsion.
"Hi my name is Mindy and I'm an anorectic. It's been over two weeks since I've purged, many months since I've had a real binge, and a few weeks since I've had a full fast." It looks good on the outside right?
As I'm fighting it though, its starting to wear me down on the inside. I'm looking at my body and hating it. I'm ashamed of the scale. Ashamed of the gross fat I feel as I walk, move, breathe. I am repulsive and worthless.
Its serious. This is serious.
Today I met with my therapist and P. I went in being pissed at him, but came out timid and needing him more than ever. Before I went to Congo I was restricting, I even cut one night. I dropped down to 115 for a few days. I started looking into more serious treatment, and I mentioned to my therapist I was afraid it might come to that.
Well the weeks went by and I stabilized. The first therapy session was good we talked about what I discovered about my relationship with my parents. The next therapy session we talked about perhaps reconsidering more serious treatment. Now I'm thinking..sure, group therapy? 12 step program. She also wanted me to bring P in. She wants us to have a good marriage.
Today as we slowly started talking about my situation and she finally asked "So have you talked to Perry about the other thing we discussed"
I looked at my hands in lap as I said, "P, I think I might need to get more serious help."
She started talking about me getting in-patient treatment. Defenses flared up, how could she say that! How dare she say that. Me? Give up MY control? I know what inpatient means, I know what it entails, I know how much it would suck and how much I would hate it.
But at the same time, a subconscious part of me felt a small piece of relief, calm and sanctuary. Yes it would surely suck ass. But I'm weary, I'm broken.
She said "Mindy is very strong willed. This is serious P. It will be a strain on your marriage. She has the power to starver herself to death, and I'd rather have you take care of it now rather than wait 10 years of built up anger and a couple kids crying in the background"
God, please help me be strong. Please send me some Angels. I can't do this by myself, I can't give it up by myself.
So what is the conclusion? I am most likely going to become an inpatient come November. I talked to P about doing it during thanksgiving. Would anyone agree that thanksgiving is the hell of any person suffering a disorder? Its too much food, too much anxiety, too much stress. So yeah. Until then, I think about the wedding, I think about looking beautiful in my dress.
Output: ? I worked in the salon for 3 hours.