You're not alone

Thursday, August 5, 2010

don't read if you're anti recovery

I'm looking at this ring on my finger. Its beautiful. We got a better diamond and we rotated it so that it is now parallel with the band. I'm thinking about what it means, because its a lot of money to put into a piece of jewelry!! Its commitment, its trust, its love, its my best friend asking me to be his forever. Yes, eternity. We are about to start a journey. Mrs. Mindy Burton? It still sounds foreign...but I'll get used to it.

Right now I'm stable, I'm happy, I'm managing my obsession, my compulsion.

"Hi my name is Mindy and I'm an anorectic. It's been over two weeks since I've purged, many months since I've had a real binge, and a few weeks since I've had a full fast." It looks good on the outside right?

As I'm fighting it though, its starting to wear me down on the inside. I'm looking at my body and hating it. I'm ashamed of the scale. Ashamed of the gross fat I feel as I walk, move, breathe. I am repulsive and worthless.

Its serious. This is serious.

Today I met with my therapist and P. I went in being pissed at him, but came out timid and needing him more than ever. Before I went to Congo I was restricting, I even cut one night. I dropped down to 115 for a few days. I started looking into more serious treatment, and I mentioned to my therapist I was afraid it might come to that.

Well the weeks went by and I stabilized. The first therapy session was good we talked about what I discovered about my relationship with my parents. The next therapy session we talked about perhaps reconsidering more serious treatment. Now I'm thinking..sure, group therapy? 12 step program. She also wanted me to bring P in. She wants us to have a good marriage.

Today as we slowly started talking about my situation and she finally asked "So have you talked to Perry about the other thing we discussed"

I looked at my hands in lap as I said, "P, I think I might need to get more serious help."

She started talking about me getting in-patient treatment. Defenses flared up, how could she say that! How dare she say that. Me? Give up MY control? I know what inpatient means, I know what it entails, I know how much it would suck and how much I would hate it.

But at the same time, a subconscious part of me felt a small piece of relief, calm and sanctuary. Yes it would surely suck ass. But I'm weary, I'm broken.

She said "Mindy is very strong willed. This is serious P. It will be a strain on your marriage. She has the power to starver herself to death, and I'd rather have you take care of it now rather than wait 10 years of built up anger and a couple kids crying in the background"

God, please help me be strong. Please send me some Angels. I can't do this by myself, I can't give it up by myself.

So what is the conclusion? I am most likely going to become an inpatient come November. I talked to P about doing it during thanksgiving. Would anyone agree that thanksgiving is the hell of any person suffering a disorder? Its too much food, too much anxiety, too much stress. So yeah. Until then, I think about the wedding, I think about looking beautiful in my dress.

Intake: 1,060
Output: ? I worked in the salon for 3 hours.


thinxXxspo said...

you know, ive thought about being in a hospital for a year and a half now. ive been so terrified of it but like you said basically, at the same time it brings a sort of sanctuary and relief feeling. at least i wouldnt have to freak out/give in to over eating or eating grease because the nutritionist would provide the amounts i need to progress to being mostly normal. i dont know if i ever will go into inpatient (or outpatient for that matter), but i do need/want a therapist. it has only been a week of, somewhat, recovery for me, but i know how you feel about hating your body and feeling repulsed by what you see. i hope you find a more peaceful frame of mind <3

Peridot (G+P) said...


All I can give, though you need more.

I'm here for you no matter what.


Spacecadet18 said...

If it makes you happy. Whatever makes you happy, I am supportive. Find peace in your life, and find peace with your body. I love you, so much, no matter what you choose to do.

zette said...

kudos to you for doing what makes you happy. stay strong, darling, in whatever you do.


Fed Up said...

The thing about marriage is it's not just you anymore. When you don't take care of yourself it is sort of a betrayal to this person who wants to live a long happy life with you. You can't be selfish anymore. I think it's great you are getting counseling and being open about the issue and trying to address it.

Emry said...

I wish you tons of luck in whatever you decide to do to get where you need to be.

Sar said...

Check it out!

Love ya too, ST! : )

Sottile said...

You are so strong, my love! I admire you for talking to someone about the demons we are all dealing with here. I think it's a good idea that if you are to do an in-patient treatment, that you take a while to just be married and have peace in the glow of being a just-married couple :) I know you are going to look gorgeous for that wedding, and that is all that matters right now! xoxo

Analise said...

*big hugs*

I am anti-recovery but for my own reasons. I have anorexia as a symptom of something else. Something that for me, is much worse.

I don't know what it's like to suffer from anorexia by itself but I can imagine it's awful.

Do what you need to do. You've got our support and your husband's support and your therapist's support and most of all you have strength inside yourself. You'll find it when you really need it. So go for it. Be whatever you want to be :)