the dress is on its way

2 and a half weeks! Believe it or not. Eish

Eish

Eish

The announcement:

The dress: It still needs a few thinks tweeked. Like..i dunno..the love handles!! Created by the hips sewn in too tight so all the fabric bunches around my hips. Ugh. I'm a little nervous. Other than that my sister has done a fantastic job. Its very beautiful with the lace on top! I will get some good photos of it up once its finished.

I've been working hard. 6 days in the salon last week, just trying to get money! I am so ready for the wedding to be done. Even though I'm not really ready as far as planning goes. Sigh.

soon. very soon.

Loves!!!!!

fail

yes I am a failure at updating my blog. Its been busy with the wedding plans.

3 weeks left!

I feel stressed. I can't wait for it to be all over

last time I weighed I was 117. i'm hoping to maintain around there. I hope everyone is doing well and not sucking at life/blogging like me.

xxoxoooxo

another one bites the dust

I'm down 3 more pounds since my last post. 7.2 pounds total(ish)

Here is what is confusing me. I went to the doctor and the electronic scale weighed me in at a horrendous weight. I was horrified. I weighed myself earlier that day and I was 4 lbs lighter. Water retention? I can't remember if I ate right before I had the visit. Either way it freaked me out.

So I've been restricting the past week in result. Working out? A little. Working hard? EVERYDAY! I can't believe its Thursday!! Here is my week:

Mon: Went back and forth between the office and the salon.

Lots of driving on my scooter

(I know this sounds pigheaded of myself,

but anyone in the tipping industry might understand.

I HATE when people don't tip. especially since this salon is so low priced

AND we know what we're doing!!)

Although, in this case, I can't complain because my friend earlier that day,

and P's band member gave me really good tips,

I almost made 100% on the hair cuts

(minus one jerk who didn't tip, glad i took you on my day off)

Dropped of my prescription order

Got my nails done. I filed them down quite a bit more though

Picked up my prescription (Hallelujah!!! I'm not dependent on the Adderall, but it was getting harder and harder each day to deal with stuff)

Ran to the gym, worked out 30 minutes, ran home

1 hour total, at least 400 cals burned

P picked me up on his way home to try and sell some of his old recording equipment.

We picked up Pizza on our way to meet with his band.

We ate pizza(yes I am admitting i ate it, shame on me)

We went to the recording studio to pick up the rough mix of their EP album

I was totally tired and depressed feeling.

I was in the room with one of his guitarist's girlfriend.

she never smiles and is very bad at socializing

oh and she is super skinny and pretty

and i'm thinking

why the hell did i eat the pizza

total intake for the day: I guessed 1500

Tues: woke up depressed. took a bubble bath with incense and music

considered cutting but knew i didn't want that

i took my adderall and debated going to the office

decided to go out with my roommate to get color for her hair

i wanted to do a photoshoot of her

we went to an antique shop, i found a really pretty yellow slip

i sent P a text "can i get this vintage lingerie for $13?"

he called me instantly

"hell yeah you can get it"

ha ha

Whilst coloring her hair in the salon..i ended up staining the new nails

oops. i'm a failure at being girly :)

That night P said to me

"Mindy I want you do be done with that job by the end of the month"

!!!

Intake: 1,130 ish

Wed: Gave in my two weeks notice at the office

went to P's work to train to be a temporary secretary for a week

it will be fun, i can write addresses

went to the salon and gave two hair cuts

grown men do NOT know how to sit up straight

had fun with my boss

signed the contract for our new apartment

Intake: 600

Current mood: Tired :) I love you all.

Weight a minute

Down 2lbs with this mornings weigh in!! Yahoooooooooo

We went to our soon to be first apartment. I am moving in this weekend, and I hope to do a ton of painting before we move furniture in. It will be hard living there by myself, but it won't be too much longer before he joins me.

Thanks for your support btw. I'm considering going into treatment in November, that way I can maybe bypass thanksgiving. I dunno. I feel bad missing our first thanksgiving. but i told him how much I hate being around so much food, he understood.

well. not much to say. I need to sleep, going to busy with both job tomorrow and I want to run 4-5 miles.

xoxo

I feel loved

I'm obsessing. I'm writing everything down. I'm checking out my body every morning and night. I poke my bones to see if they are there. I anticipate to step on the scale in the morning. My arms are flabby, they could use some work. I have to get rid of this sugar fat.

I went to the treatment center to pick up the pricing information. It went like so:

i walked into the building and was warmly greeted by the receptionist. i stumbled over the words "inpatient...treatment...pricing". admissions lady is busy, but receptionist can answer some questions.

"we usually recommend 3 months for bulimia, 4 months for anorexia, keep in mind everyone is different" she was interrupted by the admissions lady on the phone.. i stepped away and got a drink. I nearly cried right in front of her.

she asks me to wait, i take a seat, trying to hide behind a floral arrangement. i'm freaking out inside, 4 months? no. 3 weeks is what my therapist talked about. would they want me to do more? this sucks. RUN AWAY MINDY!

i stayed seated, a girl walks in with her mother. she is being dropped off. she looks healthy, i try not to make eye contact but it happens. she is wondering why this fat girl is sitting at the front of the building crying.

admissions lady takes me into her office. we talk, i tell her i'm overwhelmed. she is so nice. "i know its hard, but you're doing the right thing"

I don't deserve so much love and support. from you guys, from my fiance', Perry. There you go, that is his name. I adore him. I love him. He was so sweet with me last night when I was talking to my mom about treatment. I'm still scared.

I'm a little less fat today. I know I went over my calorie goals for today, but I worked hard at the salon and I've been doing really well so I don't feel too guilty. I am hoping to get rid of some stomach flab. its gross.

don't read if you're anti recovery

I'm looking at this ring on my finger. Its beautiful. We got a better diamond and we rotated it so that it is now parallel with the band. I'm thinking about what it means, because its a lot of money to put into a piece of jewelry!! Its commitment, its trust, its love, its my best friend asking me to be his forever. Yes, eternity. We are about to start a journey. Mrs. Mindy Burton? It still sounds foreign...but I'll get used to it.

Right now I'm stable, I'm happy, I'm managing my obsession, my compulsion.

"Hi my name is Mindy and I'm an anorectic. It's been over two weeks since I've purged, many months since I've had a real binge, and a few weeks since I've had a full fast." It looks good on the outside right?

As I'm fighting it though, its starting to wear me down on the inside. I'm looking at my body and hating it. I'm ashamed of the scale. Ashamed of the gross fat I feel as I walk, move, breathe. I am repulsive and worthless.

Its serious. This is serious.

Today I met with my therapist and P. I went in being pissed at him, but came out timid and needing him more than ever. Before I went to Congo I was restricting, I even cut one night. I dropped down to 115 for a few days. I started looking into more serious treatment, and I mentioned to my therapist I was afraid it might come to that.

Well the weeks went by and I stabilized. The first therapy session was good we talked about what I discovered about my relationship with my parents. The next therapy session we talked about perhaps reconsidering more serious treatment. Now I'm thinking..sure, group therapy? 12 step program. She also wanted me to bring P in. She wants us to have a good marriage.

Today as we slowly started talking about my situation and she finally asked "So have you talked to Perry about the other thing we discussed"

I looked at my hands in lap as I said, "P, I think I might need to get more serious help."

She started talking about me getting in-patient treatment. Defenses flared up, how could she say that! How dare she say that. Me? Give up MY control? I know what inpatient means, I know what it entails, I know how much it would suck and how much I would hate it.

But at the same time, a subconscious part of me felt a small piece of relief, calm and sanctuary. Yes it would surely suck ass. But I'm weary, I'm broken.

She said "Mindy is very strong willed. This is serious P. It will be a strain on your marriage. She has the power to starver herself to death, and I'd rather have you take care of it now rather than wait 10 years of built up anger and a couple kids crying in the background"

God, please help me be strong. Please send me some Angels. I can't do this by myself, I can't give it up by myself.

So what is the conclusion? I am most likely going to become an inpatient come November. I talked to P about doing it during thanksgiving. Would anyone agree that thanksgiving is the hell of any person suffering a disorder? Its too much food, too much anxiety, too much stress. So yeah. Until then, I think about the wedding, I think about looking beautiful in my dress.

Intake: 1,060

Output: ? I worked in the salon for 3 hours.

something to be happy about

And its more than just the shoes :) These are what I'll wear on my wedding day.

Thanks to Spacecadet's Space post i read yesterday about making herself run for 2 hours.. I ran for about 50 minutes! Okay. I ran for about 40 until the muscles in my left leg were hurting beyond simply ignoring them or fighting through the pain. I thought about fighting it for 3 more laps to complete 4 miles, but then I also thought how much it would suck to be injured and not be able to run for a while. I walked another lap, tried to run the last 2, and then I had to go pick up P.

I'm pissed at him right now. I have nothing sweet to say about him. And this isn't just petty girl stuff..ugh I'm not going to bore you with it. We'll get over it in a few days.

My intake is getting in better control. It feels like I'm overcoming some huge addiction, but is been getting easier each day. What kind of addiction...close your eyes..you may not want to read my shame: Sugar, Ice Cream, cookies...pretty much a lot of things that make me look gross.

Monday was hard, I had to buy myself a dark chocolate Godiva bar. Tuesday was okay, I had a hawaiian shaved ice(it was really hot okay), today.....brace yourselves....NADDA!!!!! I thought about it, but it was easy to fight of the temptation. I love fresh food :)

Okay so I go to bed tonight feeling a little less fat, but I have a lot of work ahead of me.

xoxoo

Beautiful Skin?

Today was eventful. We met with a caterer, not a fan of the style she wanted to use for decorating. This means I'll just do it myself! Ha. But at least we got the food picked. I got my new diamond(its so sparkly. the one he got me wasn't as good as the first one we saw. last week i went to get my ring rotated and asked them if they could find a better diamond. i'm spoiled)

I look forward to the ring though! I told them to do the most petite prongs as possible so my diamond looks like its floating even more.

Confession: I wish I was rich. I went shopping with my Mom today. We got estee lauder facial cleaners and what nots, I want my skin to be lovely as can be for the wedding. I could never have afforded the entire system, its expensive stuff. But my Mom was nice enough to buy it for me.

She also bought me my wedding shoes :) They are really pretty. I'll have to post a picture. I wish I had money. I want to be one of those beautiful nice girls and have nice things. i'm sick of looking like a punk, I want to look like a woman. But I stare at my wardrobe, full of t-shirts, lots of t-shirts. I'm not going to be single anymore and be able to binge shop whenever i want. I'm doomed. I want to look sexy and I want my husband to be checking me out everyday.

I went tanning tonight. I failed to get to the gym, and my excuse is the damn Migrain I've been experiencing all daaayyyy. ARGGGHH. I'm going to sleep. Fat and worthless until the morning! YAY

p.s. has anyone tried the cabbage soup diet? I'm considering doing a cleanse in a few weeks.

The period, boys are so lucky

It started today. i hate it. oh how i hate periods. Its gross, it makes me feel gross. And don't forget: FAT. Bloaty sick nasty bitchy moody defensive cranky chubby ugly.

I found an interesting addicting sight: http://www.pro-thinspo.com/EATINGATNIGHT.html

I love those type of finds. Aside from my bitching about my period...we found an apartment! I will be moving in a couple weeks, hopefully repainting a lot of it before i actually move in. Its a pretty cool place, and after a little touching up we can make it a nice first apartment. Eek. I'm going to be a wife.

Today we bought our cruise tickets, and my parents let us use their "sky miles" to pay for the airfare. I am so glad for that! We are going to go on a 4 night cruise to the bahamas. I wanted to go to Oregon sooooo badly. But when I think about it...two virgins(i regret anything i ever did with my ex) what do you think we are going to be doing for most of our honeymoon? We have known each other for 4 years. I'm surprised we never had sex, but it will be an adventure. Marriage in general I mean.

I leave you with these tips from the site(link above, but edited slightly)

10 fasting tips

1. Tell the least number of people that you are fasting

2. Turn off the TV

3. Get alone and discover Yourself and Who You ARE

4. Feast on YOU

5. Meditate

6. Go for walks

7. Take a phone break(turn it off or leave it behind)

8. Be quiet and peaceful

9. Do not enter into needless temptation

10. Sleep