You're not alone

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Sleeeeppy

I wanted to cut my hair this morning:
Instead.. I got some stuff to make extensions. Don't laugh
June 10 (from my new journal)
I met with the friend P's Dad referred me to. It took me a lot of guts to tell P about my ED. And a few weeks ago we decided to talk to his dad for advice. He knows about my ED, and he said he'd look into finding me a therapist through his connections.
I felt a major relapse about to begin, I was scared. Would I binge/purge again? I didn't want that, I couldn't put myself through that. But I was having a hard time restricting, so I wanted to learn how to cope and control the urge to b/p. I also wanted to move forward. Hopes to get married were being hindered because of my issues. P was so willing and ready to help me, and after I told him I wanted help he said he felt better about continuing with getting engaged.
I started restricting more after I talked to his Dad, although nothing extreme. I started going back to the gym habitually. My body knows its control was about to be interrupted, my ED was about to be questioned.
Despite my positive actions and sincerity to 'get help', I know it is more serious than I am telling everyone. For the past few months I've been eating pretty well, I haven't put on much weight but i constantly felt my body changing. I tried to restrict, but gave in to rationality.
Today it was easy not to eat:
B - Breakfast drink (130 cal)
L - nothing
D - Grapes, lemonade
Later - milk shake, pudding
Meeting with a therapist was hard, and I was skeptical. i felt out of body as I sat in her office and told her everything about my ED. All he words coming out of my mouth were ironically familiar. I was just like the girls in books, movies, or blogs who suffered annorexia/bulimia.
I don't want to constantly worry about what is being put inside my body. I try to enjoy food like i used to, but I fear it.
How can I recover? It seems impossible for me, but I guess most of us ED sufferers have thought or think it. Can I rediscover the love for my own self?
Today I took one step toward recovery, but I know it will not be easy. Its as though my disorder knows its about to be exposed, and its controlling me again.
I don't want to eat, I am scared. I am going to lose the control I've had hidden to myself.
M (therapist) said these words "sneaky, lies, manipulative" I do not want to be that, but I AM! I'm horrified to admit that I do that to others, and myself.

5 comments:

R Harlow B said...

seriously you are cute as a button!

that was a big step telling P's dad about it. huge.

Spacecadet18 said...

Aww... Your hair is adorable. I really like it. It makes me miss my hair before I cut it off. And you've taken some big steps to get help. More than I've been able to do in the past.

SBB said...

Gorgeous as always hun =)

You've taken some huge steps, you should be very proud of yourself. Telling P, and talking to his dad about it must've take a lot of courage... And you followed through with the therapist. Wow. The words the therapist used do not discribe you.
xo

Ana's Girl said...

Looking good, sweetie! I'm half-heartedly trying to reach recovery too... but i will not go to a therapist... i wish you well, darling. I really truly do want you to be able to recover more easily than i think i can.

LadyB said...

Love the hair!