You're not alone

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Scaled down

Weight: 119.4
B - breakfast drink -
L - none
D - salad with lots of healthy stuff, Pasta, fattening sugary dessert
and I just had a pudding cup with raisins.

I don't feel guilty about the intake. It had been 2 days since I had a real meal, rather than just liquids and little things.

I just got done bawling my eyes out. I don't know what is up, but I have a few theories:
1) My roomates don't clean their damn dishes. I am too nice to say anything, and double nice because I clean them. I haven't used a dish in days, but I still clean them. AAAAAHHH!!! I can't stand the smelly unclean kitchen. And no one, but myself, takes out the trash. It doesn't matter if its full!! They just keep piling things on top.
2) I can't sleep
3) I don't know how to handle the fact that I've started moving toward recovery. How have I handled it?? Hardcore relapse. I have no desire to eat. At dinner.. I cut my food into tiny bite size bits. First time in a long time, and I nearly cried while P was away from the booth. I don't plan to eat unless it comes up with P, then yeah I'll eat. He knows I'm struggling again. I feel so bad that he has to deal with me. Will he leave me? Screw this ED. I don't want to lose him.
4) I'm a girl
5) I want to get married but money money money....i hate it.
6) I'm alone

Everyone, stay strong. I can't keep my eyes open right now, splitting migraine.

7 comments:

SBB said...

I have some opinions on your theories...
1. Your roomates are absolute pigs who still need to live with their mommies.
2. No sleep will make you go crazy
3. P loves you and he is in this for the long haul. Through the bad and good...
4. Being a girl sucks, but P wouldn't be interested if you were a guy?
5. Money is the root of all evil. I hate it as well.
6. You absolutely are not alone. End of story.
Maybe if you have msg or yahoo we could talk? I just want you to know that you're really not alone. I know I'm in Canada and everything, but I'm as here for you as I can be =)
xo

Liz said...

Don't feel guilty about it :)
And you're not alone! You have us. You can count on us.

Fed Up said...

If you keep cleaning up after roommates they will start to expect it and NEVER do anything. It sucks to be the neat one in the middle of a bunch of slobs. Hang in there.

Dreaming of Revelry said...

What does your Breakfast Drink Consist of?

I really need to find something that is low calorie, filling, & will get my metabolism going in the morning
(especially instead of late at night !! )helppp

skinnybusiness said...

Wow, your room mates suck. They sound like my family. You should sleep. That makes me a hypocrite of course. I know how lonley you feel. It sucks. Leaste there is the blogs.

Ana's Girl said...

All of those things adding up are probably what's making you cry... THey're all difficult to deal with. As for the relapse... I think it's much harder to eat when you're supposed to do so then when you're not. As for marriage but money, money, money, i'm in the same exact boat. Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

Wow, maybe your splitting migraine is stemming from your deteriorating health after years of abuse to your body.